Heart of Glass. [Chapter Eleven.]

Though a part of me felt anxiety, and as if this was just a big mistake, another part of me just wanted some peace. At least for a while. I tried to hold back many tears that escaped my eyes and cascaded easily down my face, but it was no use.

Past memories began to swarm through me, regrets taking their place as my movements became more hesitant. I finally felt as though I were living amongst the dead; each breath that I took seemed unreal, feeling like my very last, my heart was sunken underneath my chest, my legs could barely move an inch without me breaking down repeatedly time and time again and I began to hear both deceiving and helpful voices fighting in my head.

Even if they weren't hard to tune out, I reminded myself to remain as sane as possible. However, even that was hard to do, for every time I pondered on what I was really doing, what I was leaving behind, pain surged through me, making it all the more impossible to achieve that reminder. Every ounce of me felt like someone had lit me on fire. Sure enough, the more I fantasized about the idea, the more I began to believe waves of smoke entered through my nostrils. I was inhaling my own corpse that was being reduced to nothing but ashes.

With those thoughts, it took all I had to just focus on walking, and breathing steadily. Even if all I had wasn't too much to begin with, I was surely making progress. A single thought finally occured to me:  I didn't know where Derek lived now. Nor did I even have his number. Frustrated, I shoved myself down next to an empty building, and, in spite of myself, threw a nearby rock into the road. I put my head in my hands, and silently scolded myself for being so foolish.

Only a fool - like myself - would wander throughout the city, seeking the very ex that had hurt them in the first place without knowing any of their recent information. Now, I probably even looked like a poor, homeless person sitting here. Or an incredibly broken person. As soon as I looked up, disguising my thoughts, a teenage couple passed me.

Their fingers were intertwined, and they were whispering softly to each other. Their echoing laughter scorched my deadened heart, and I watched - with desperation, and a hint of jealousy - as the boy stared at the girl with burning and unending passion. The light-hearted smiles on their faces melted every organ in my body. I clenched my chest, forcing myself to return back to reality. My heart slowly began to beat then, a few ounces of warmth left within it as even more pain was resurfacing along as well. I began to wallow in my own self pity, seeing as though I had almost nothing left to live for, or to even hold onto.

My heart had been shattered and cracked, blowing to bits and pieces as dynamite had been shoved through it. Knives seemed to be piercing all throughout me, leaving both emotional and physical scars. Scars that would always remind me of everything I've went through, everything I've done, and only for one man. One man that had only pretended to share the love, all the while seeing another feminine figure. When I tried to please him, it simply wasn't ever enough.

Still, the pain that he indulged me in drove me to this awful pit of heartache and suffering. It was everlasting, and I was drowning in my own pitiful tears. The oxygen that I had was slowly being taken away, only because it wasn't enough. A slight breeze began to blow, but even that wasn't enough to drag me out from the point I was at now. Further and further I slipped, fell, and was lost, confused, empty, and completely broken now. Slowly, my life was circling down the drain.

Not a single thing could be done to stop it. I was too far down to be saved now. No savior could begin to lift my spirits, not even slightly. Paralyzed and numb, I watched my own life drift away from me even more. No matter how many people I believe went near me, human presence couldn't be acquired any longer. The only existence I could acknowledge was mine, and even that wasn't very far behind from the death train.

Perhaps no one would care enough to help me here for weeks. Maybe even months. Would I still be alive by then? Surely, not fully alive. All hope had been lost long before now, and there was no grabbing it back any time soon. To reach sanity, to become alive again, to awaken from the dead . . . it all seemed useless, and nowhere near my reach. My whole life was crumbling before every human being on this Earth, soon to dissolve and fade away, continuing to be forgotten in the inanimated crowd. Scents from close coffee shops and restaurants filled through my nostrils in excruciating depth, and complexity.

They were so vivid, that my mouth began to water, saliva threatening to ooze out of my mouth. I imagined myself back in one of those restaurants, eating sensible food, and consuming the rather warm coffee. The liquid would fill me with heat, surrounding myself in caloricity as the food tasted well, and settled in my stomach without a problem. Music from the jukebox, or a CD player would soon soak in the environment, slipping into my ears with both wonderous and relaxing sounds. Beneath me, the seat would feel comfortable with its' soft and soothing features, reassuring me that I was truly witnessing peace itself.

Laughter from all around made my heart soar, uplifting my very being. All in all, I would finally feel wanted, whole, and at home. When I would walk out, there would be a new rhythm, or bounce, in my step. A gloomy person had transformed into a cheerful one. Life was suddenly better, and the sun shone brighter, radiating off of my already tanned skin. Instead of harming me, or poking my eyes with an unbelievable amount of force, it would comfort and assist me in multiple ways.

A pleasant nap would wrap up the mighty swell day, as my body would be as one with the comforter. The sheets surround me with love, and the blanket would gently tuck me in, being careful of my frail nerves. My muscles would finally untense, and all was forgotten as sleep overtook me entirely. The very thought of it all almost made me forget about reality, and what grave danger I was truly in.

Rain drops pouncing onto my face woke me from my invincible sleep, reality shifting its' way back towards me, springing onto me only to make me frown. The realization of it depressed me once more, and my gaze fixated on the road. If only things were easier again, the worst problem being deciding on which crayon I would use to color a picture.

I inhaled deeply. Shaking from the cold, - and not so much from fear - I watched each car speed past me miserably. One car followed through with the action of splashing me, purposely racing over a puddle in the road. Eventually getting the hint, I stood up, set my hood over my head, and walked down the sidewalk. Somehow, there was still a morsel of hope within me. As tightly as I could, I clung onto it, and continued making my way past many streets and shops.

Without having an idea on where I was going, I placed my hands on my arms for some sort of comfort, and trudged on. I found myself becoming more miserable with each hope-filled step that I took. A cold was starting to develop as some stores around me closed down, increasing the amount of darkness that already had been crawling on all sides of me.

The air only seemed to thicken with the dampness, and I was unsurprised as it became much harder to keep breathing. My struggles only seemed to be more futile, and it seemed easier to just give up; like I wanted to from the very start. Suddenly, headlights screened behind me, growing brighter as an unrecognizable car came into view.

I felt my heart race as my pace quickened. Many stories of kidnapping, and even my own experience came bounding into my head, heightening my apprehension. However, as I sped up, the car mimicked my movement. When I hoped to lose them by slowing down, it copied the exact same idea.

The process had became both nerve-racking, and frustrating. It kept on, the pattern repeating, for quite some time. That is, until I turned into an alley, running to the dead that I hadn't expected to come so rapidly.

Footsteps sounded off in the distance, and a hand slammed down on my shoulder, resulting in an inaudible scream tumbling out. The captor spun me around to face him, my eyes completely wide in terror. I couldn't begin to prepare myself for what was in store for me next.