Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Squid
“Oh my, Hogwarts is in a rather ruffled state, isn’t it?” Trelawney commented airily.
“You might put it that way, though I – Stupefy! - consider it a huge understatement. Stupefy stupefy STUPEFY!” Growled McGonagall disdainfully, shooting yet another hex at yet another Death Eater plus a few more for good measure.
It was true; Hogwarts was crumbling before their very eyes. Looking out over the grounds, it may seem like it was the Fourth of July, what with all the spells being shot back and forth, it was really quite mesmerizing. There was one teeny problem. It wasn’t the Fourth of July; it was, in fact-
“-DOOMSDAY, POTTER!” Voldemort cackled as he stood on the lawn in front of the lake. Its shimmering surface reflected the oddly colorful starless night sky, though, now we know the source of the colors, it is no longer, well, odd.
“Never, Voldywarts!” cried Harry Potter, who had resorted to childish name-calling in light of his impending doom. “Your underpants are as big as Russia! And you smell worse than my grandmother’s Rafflesia plant!” he then proceeded to stick his tongue out at the Dark Lord in an irritating manner.
Voldywarts – I mean, Voldemort – tastefully decided to ignore the annoying boy-who-wouldn’t-die. “I AM LORD!” he declared, thus sealing his victory over all muggle- and wizard- folk alike and achieving world domination (cackle cackle).
As you can imagine, this was all causing quite a ruckus. From deep below the surface of the black-as-night-save-for-fireworks-which-aren’t, really-lake came a rumble of sorts, shaking the very foundations of Hogwarts castle. As if someone had frozen time itself, everyone ceased fighting and turned, in unison, to look at the lake.
“I AM LORD!” Voldemort declared once more, because he had a tendency to forget he had done something and do it again (as evidenced by the fact that he had tried to kill Harry multiple times).
Anyway, a single bubble broke the still surface of the water. A huge tentacle shot out and, just like that, wrapped itself around Voldemort before pulling back into the dark heart of the lake.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Dark Lord was defeated.
All was quiet for a moment as it took a moment to sink in.
Molly Weasley was the first to break the silence. “Why, Bellatrix, that’s a lovely robe you’re wearing. Where did you get it?”
Noise broke out over the crowds, as, without the Dark Lord’s influence, everything was fine and dandy and everyone got along enormously well. Sirius and Snape were best friends and Lupin and Tonks rushed back home for a joyful reunion with their son Teddy. Dumbledore appeared magically with a bag of Lemon Pops and James and Lily turned out to be alive after all.
“NOOOOO!! BUT I’M THE ONE WITH THE PROPHECY!!” Harry whined, after, like half-an-hour had gone by. Apparently, he was the last to get it.
When no one took notice of him, Harry opened his mouth to whine again, but thankfully a trapdoor suddenly opened up beneath him and he fell through into oblivion.
And they all lived Happily Ever After.
The End.
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