The Would-Be Fantasies

 

“Where would you go if you could travel anywhere in the world?”

 

            You ask me where I would travel if I could travel anywhere in the world and my answer (like usual) is not simple. Though there is a destination, I do not know where it is. What I do know is what it will be like. I have spent my entire life traveling and moving from place to place never remaining anywhere long enough to call it home. It gets tiring. I love the beauties that come with traveling, but they rarely make the trips worth it. For example, Colorado is one of the most breathtaking places in the world. For the past three summers, I have gone there to hike and find some tranquility. I always find that peaceful view that fills my heart and mind with absolute quiet, but Colorado is not where I would travel because like all other trips, the quiet is always temporary. Pleasures that accompany me on such a trip soon vanish. I must always go back “home” before the scenery overtakes me. I look back to Arkansas where I spent most of my early years getting raised. We moved within those early years, but it was always to somewhere else in Arkansas. This sense of regional similarity made the places we moved feel like homes. It was a pleasure I soon lost after moving to Kansas. The country was beautiful. The people were lovely. Everything was nice, but why Kansas never felt like home was because home is where the heart is and I did not have enough heart remaining in me. It was then I lost my home. My family moved six more times. I moved nine. I spent years trying to find my home and it never came to me. The most perfect places never had family and the worst always did. I always find peace in solitude which is totally ironic because after I find my peace, I want to share it with someone and, soon afterwards, I lose my newfound peace (quickly). My dream place to travel to would not be a place to vacation. It would be a place to live. I fantasize about finding a place I can call home without lying to myself. Do not mistake what I say as sulking or as a disdainful act against my family. I love everybody in my family. I am just a prominent introvert with a fake smile and a limited tolerance for relatives. I seek a place where I can expose my heart and never have to worry about uprooting it ever again. That place is not here nor Colorado nor even Arkansas. You ask me where I would travel if I could travel anywhere in the world and my answer is not a destination. It is a state of mind. I would travel home. I do not know where that is, but I do know what it will be like one day when I arrive. It will be quiet and breath taking. My relatives will not be there, but they will be close and I will still be with my family. She will be there. Like the destination, I do not know who she will be yet, but I cannot help but believe she will be the most beautiful thing in my life wherever we live. Soon after her, they will come and I pray they look like her because if they do not, they will likely look like me and that would be quite saddening. I do not know exactly what we would do together, but it would be different. Most people in my class are worrying about college, work, relationships, and, above all else, leaving home and here I am fantasizing about finding mine. I live in a world without answers and you ask me the most difficult question: where would I go. And I do not have an answer. All I can say is this place will be absolutely beautiful and it will not always be a fantasy.