A Marionette

The husk rises from the vivid carnage, now a social swinger in his carriage.

As he rides down city streets, the war plays over and over in his nightly sheets.

A back scratcher to royalty shakes hands in shadows inexplicitly.

Isolated but, he smiles harshly, his performance truly a masterpiece.

Once baptized in scars, the blood still flows quite viscidly.

To him, gold is as useless as aluminum. The dialog of echos has made him numb.

But then he sees the stage, a silhouette of a marionette dance to a bards page.

Her dance swirls and mimics his echoed scars. Who is she? What is this farce?

King and monarch, his heart dead-headed, she now works to re-bloom. He's hardheaded.

She is melting him slowly.

Author's Note

Boooop

Reviews

[JayG]

• The husk rises from the vivid carnage,

You're going for pretty language, but the only person in the universe who knows what you mean is you. What am I to take "The Husk," to be? And what in the pluperfect hells is "vivid carnage?"

You have intent, and context guiding your understanding of this piece. The reader has only "Huh?" because a great deal of the story this connects to remains in your head, and never made it to the page—and the reader's mind.

Write from your chair, of course. But always edit from that of a reader, who has only what the words suggest to them, based on their life-experience, not yours.

[Wordless_Prism]

Since you don't like “pretty language” I’ll dumb it down for you and your 40+ years of experience. If you read the next line “the war plays over and over in his nightly sheets.” or further, “Once baptized in scars, the blood still flows quite viscidly.” clearly saying he's a veteran and he's putting on a face as he's adjusting to civilian life, and getting better by meeting a girl. Empty husk and past carnage are pretty clear if you read. If that's not your “life-experience” and I’m only writing from your paradigm sorry, I should have known that when I read Anna Karenina and related 100%. Anyway, thank you for review on a site i visit once a year or so.

[JayG]

You have noticed, I hope, that no one else commented on this piece? Or, that of the last ten pieces you posted you got virtually no response?

You're writing for your own pleasure, then posting it in public. But you know what they say about pleasuring yourself in public. 😆

Poetry is a field that's been under development for centuries, and in school we're given ONLY nonfiction writing skills, to prepare us for employment. So digging into the skills that your readers expect you to be using makes sense. Railing at people who took time out of their day to help you become a better poet does not, because the goal is to entertain the reader, and you're not yet doing that.

Take a read of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's one of the best on the basics. Here's a link to where you can download a readable copy, free.

https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

[Wordless_Prism]

Alright, I’ll concede that you’re right to an extent. that extent being that I’m to write for the reader's understanding, I understand the idea that people don’t want to read something that makes no sense, however, I write what I like to read, an example being Led Zeppelin's stairway to Heaven highly debated song on what it means. I’m not saying I’m Jimmy Page or Robert Plant. What I am saying, and what you failed to address, is that while yes, my writing is terrible and needs some explanation within it, being ambiguous is the point and people don’t have to find a relation to their life in every piece of work to make it good or bad. To use a biblical example, you don’t have to really think about what the book of Psalms is saying, you do have to think about Isaiah, both books are highly poetic. also, I wasn’t railing at you, just pointing out my disagreement. You pointing out that my work has no reviews is a very passive-aggressive way to get me to “see I need to do better” when it only sent to message “you suck” so next time you critique find a better way because I knew my works sucked anyway, lol.

[JayG]

• I understand the idea that people don’t want to read something that makes no sense, however, I write what I like to read, an example being Led Zeppelin's stairway to Heaven highly debated song on what it means.

If you were writing a song, the lyrics would blend with the music. America's Tin Man is a perfect example of that. But you have only the words.

• I write what I like to read.

And that's gotten you how many comments? Unless you write what the reader likes to read, you're writing to please yourself, then posting it in public.

And you know what they say about people who pleasure themself in public. 😀

When writing poetry, if you take the time to learn what people react to, and what they don't, you have the power to make someone you will never meet laugh, cry, or feel any of the human emotions as, and when you want them to. That's an awesome power. But it's also a learned skill.

None of the approach you learned in school works for poetry, because it's you talking TO the reader, mostly about you. But the entire purpose of poetry is to move the reader emotionally. And our School-days writing skills are designed to inform.

Suppose your teachers had given you the skills of poetry. You'd be writing far differently than you are, and getting a lot more empathy from the reader.

So why not invest a day or so in acquiring those skills. They might not make you into a great poet, but like the proverbial bowl of chicken soup for a cold, it sure can''t hurt.

[Wordless_Prism]

OK, well you missed what I was saying and then just repeated yourself. like I said in my last post I've already agreed and understand what you're saying, I've taken the construction from you and now all you're giving is useless re-regurgitated criticism. I've already admitted where you're right, but I'm afraid I have to disagree with you on some things. Because of your lack of understanding, this conversation is useless.

So if I read something I like and replicate it, but because no one is commenting or likes what I write and what I do is wrong then I'm just not going to write anymore. But chances are maybe in a few years. Anyway, say what you want about me not giving up or taking what you said and learning to write better, in the end, if you have to have the last word I don't care.