The Letter

A Poem by Joe W

This is the story f my life.

Hey just figured I would write a letter, seeing if you’re doing better. I know last time you had asked me, how I been doing with everything. Well I gotta tell it to you right, I ain’t feelin that sometimes I alive. Well you know me but I been struggling spiritually. Trying to find my identity, it’s harder than it looks you see. So, I was writing some lines, rapping and rhymes. Though it ain’t getting me nowhere. It seems like there ain’t no care. About what I may feel inside, so it’s a single solo ride. Up and down with no real purpose to it, can’t see where the pieces fit. I don’t know how to discuss this, I’m torn but is it worth this? Pain that I feel inside, just trying to feel alive. Moving past the point of fatality, seems out of perception of my reality. So I guess I been ok despite this sin I in, just trying to put it all together again.

Let me rewind a bit start at the beginning of my life/ Talk to you how I was born living on the edge of the knife/ I was adopted but not by any permanent family/ Until I turned age three/ It seems like God didn’t want me to be/ Living with a family happily/ So he put me through the hardships and pain that I experienced/ So I would soon become delirious/ But that was not of his doing/ For he knew me before I came out of the womb/ He formed my soul in perfect alignment/ So soon in myself I would be finding/ Not only the power to love but the power to forgive/ And open up to those who chose to give/ Me up to be with the family I’m with now/ So that I could start building permanent relationships somehow/ God has helped me to see the life I live I can be so thankful for/ Cause it’s really my first encounter with an open door/ Before it seemed like I wasn’t wanted in the world by anyone/ So all I could do was continue to run/ To the arms of all my families/ Where it seemed like I passed through eventually/ And soon I landed to where I am today/ Here with a family permanent to stay.

Moving past the time I turned three/ Took some getting used to with the family/ They already had four other children, could they handle another/ It seemed like I was receiving love from my sisters and brothers/ So at the time I warmed up to them/ Though it seems now we more distant than we ever been/ We never write, or even make a phone call/ We all living our own lives trying not to fall/ From the sin that we can never seem to escape/ But rather all we can do is just trust Jesus with the picture of his grace/ The siblings that I once grew up with as well as father and mother/ Seemed in the future to get farther and farther/ So I brought myself in/ Living in total isolationism/ Not talking with anyone, not even my family/ Cause I never really formed the best relationships you see/ My idea of a family never existed/ Because I felt like I was never accepted/ Given love, sure I had all of that/ But that was soon replaced by brutal combat/ My parents saw me struggle in school/ so they moved me around thinking it would be cool/ If I were to graduate from this school or that one/ Walking down the aisle holding my diploma/ Yet it seems like this was it for me/ Where there were days when I couldn’t see/ It was like a cloud was always right in my vision/ So I started thinking whether or not it was worth living.

This is the part where my life seems to be at a point/ Where I gotta say I’m done where I gotta quit/ So yes I was young when I thought of suicide/ The thoughts went away but continued to reside/ Deep in my soul never fully going away/ it seemed like on my soul they were here to stay/ I can’t tell you how hard it was to try and get up every morning/ Without having a feeling of yearning/ Wanting to feel alive just seemed like an impossibility/ For sin and hate and suicidal thoughts dwelled in my reality/ Or rather the reality that I chose to create/ Living with a family but with a heart full of hate/ I learned during that time to despise this man called God/ Cause I thought that my parents were acting rude/ Trying to put their religion on me cause I was raised in their household/ And it got worse and worse when I turned 8 years old/ Then they really started to press in/ Wondering where in the world did I stand/ Was I fully immersed because of what I did/ Or was I willing to Christ my soul to give/ They wondered what had happened during the days/ When I would choose to hide away/ In my room it seemed I was in no way pleased with the things I did/ Yet it was the life that I chose to live.

Moving on to when I first started high school/ Went to one school after another thinking I was cool/ Thought I would do well kinda fit in/ But then I found out I had to go thought 7th grade again/ After that I sorta got the hold of what I was supposed to do/ But I still chose not to believe in you/ A man called Jesus would die for me and soon rise again/ I thought was crazy because who would want to die for the life I was living/ Like I said, I was in no way pleased with the life that I was living/ But it’s the life I chose and so I didn’t see any problems/ I saw nothing wrong with the pain that I chose to live in/ So I lived in my own world inventing/ The solutions to the problems that family and society said I had to hide/ I cheated, lied, got drunk off of my pride/ But I also did other things that made it so I didn’t want to be seen/ I cut and smoked in order to go to my dreams/ where I would be free from everyone/ Where I wouldn’t have to worry bout anything but me.

So that takes me to where I am today/ Just been trying to get by everyday/ It’s still hard but not quite as it was before/ Yet I still refuse to implore/ For your help because I feel I don’t need ya/ I can get by without ya leading/ I made it this far so it can’t be too hard to stand in the rain/ To make it through this crazy life full of pain/ Yet it’s not just rain but a storm in my life/ Constantly do I find myself turning to the knife/ There are days when I want to put it away/ But I think I’ll just be better tomorrow or later today/ So I decided to join the Military thinking that would change my mind/ Get it off pain and suicide for a little while/ It seemed to help for quite a bit/ Taught me that I can’t ever quit/ For failure is not an option and though I have so many more/ The one I choose to go through is success’ door/ So my life seems to take a whole new direction now/ Though I feel like I still haven’t repented somehow/ God no longer seems to be a part of my everyday life/ So I been trying to live and make things right.

It’s getting worse than you been able to see, cause I also struggling with friends and family. Trying to get my sister out of in front of the TV, cause the shows she watch distort her reality. She likes to think that because what she see on that screen is ok, then she can do it to either tomorrow or today. My friends fight more often than not, but they seem to forget. That they need Christ in the center of their rolls, before they fight to much and lose their souls. The drug addicts I see on the street can’t seem to break, the sin that keeps them from being fully awake. Seeing them passed out in the alleys from OD, it taught me to be able to see. The life I live I so thankful for because the joy that lives in me. Seems like the entire world is on my shoulders, my life I been trying to move the boulders. It ain’t working out for me, cause I still been struggling you see. So I pray you pray for this struggling brother, not to only help out with his father and mother. But to help out with his sister and all his siblings, cause they been struggling with their own sins.

So I pray that I have the strength to move on, live my life as though nothing is wrong. However I know that this is nearly impossible to do, because there’s something in this world that is true. The fact is that we all encounter hardship, pain and suffering, it’s as if from our souls theirs been a pillaging. All that we saw as important has faded away, replaced by a Kingdom that will never fade away. I gotta tell you this is the reality, and the truth that I live ain’t always what you see. Every day I lie awake, sometimes too scared to shake. Afraid that if I move at all, I’ll fall and just lose it all. Yet I don’t want fall because that will bring out failure, and failure is what makes me unsure. Of the perception of reality, and whether or not it’s truth I see. Is it truth I see, really, or is it something different entirely?

I wanna know the truth, and I wanna know you, but I have a hard time believing you are true. I know that you died upon a cross bearing all the sin, of the world and it’s this world that I can’t stand. I’m ready now to come home to you, however I know I still got a job to do. Here on this earth my work is not yet finished, like a home that has yet to be furnished. I feel empty inside and so Lord I need you now, to come fill me up with your love somehow. Come overtake me and make me yours, cause all I been encountering is locked doors. I don’t want to seem like I really been disgraced but seeing all these doors slam in my face. It’s kinda hard to trust you, to know that what you did was for me and not for you. For you had everything, all the riches, all the gain, yet you chose to come to this earth to experience pain. To suffer in the name of mankind, tables have flipped cause now we the one suffering in your name. However it’s not suffering but rather it’s a gain that we gain.

© 2016 Joe W

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Carolynn

You explain a struggle that so many people can relate to (we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God) but He forgives us, he understands our fears, our struggles and our pain. He asks us to love him and trust him and then he asks us to love our neighbors - sounds so simple but it's not....but if we try - what we give to him and others will be returned to us ten times more. If we think about fear, fear will find us. If we think about hatred, we will start hating. If we worry too much, we will never find peace. We need to completely trust God and allow things to happen in due time (you might want things to be perfect with your parents right now, but allow time to heal) decide to love them, honour them and your relationship will heal. We live in a world full of hatred, sin, drug addiction, alocoholism, adultery.....etc.etc. It surrounds us, tempts us (Jesus was tempted too when he lived here - he faced all the same things) but we need to find the strength to fight those temptations and it will make us stronger, healthier and happier. Ultimately I think what helps me cope is knowing this life on earth is just like school - it's teaching us lessons and shaping our souls and preparing them for life in heaven. God is our teacher but he doesn't do the work for us, he's just there to guide us as we develop ourselves into what we want to be. We need to use this life for that purpose, love life - don't wish to throw it away, it's a precious gift from God. Time flies by so fast - what seems like a long time to us when we're younger feels like only moments when we get older - our lives on this earth will end and probably feel like a blink to us when we look back on it from heaven, so hang in there Joe and I pray your questions will be answered, your fears deminished, and faith will keep you strong. Thanks for sharing all this - and know there is plenty of understanding out there. God bless!