Unhealthy Relations

When you're near

I lose control.

All is lost

Swallow whole.

 

You offer strength

When strength I can't find.

You warm my soul

My eyes you blind.

 

You meet my lips

I come alive.

I'm reborn

In you I dive.

 

With just one touch

I'm needing more.

When we part

I'm feeling sore.

 

You pick me up

To let me down.

My kryptonite

And my crown.

Reviews

[J. Elsie]

Without knowing what type of critique you seek, I will just jump in and give my honest opinion. I read one of your other pieces and the rhymes were good, they felt natural. Here some of them feel forced. "..I'm needing more. When we part, I'm feeling sore." I understand the ache that arrives when a love departs, however, "sore" is just not the word I would have used there. . Ache doesn't rhyme. . so you resorted, but I would recommend taking the theme of that stanza and doing a four line rewrite.

the first "your" should be "you're"

The last line - "my kryptonite and my crown" what do you mean by "crown"?

The best stanza - "You meet my lips..."

The overall feeling definitely works for your title. It does sound very unhealthy. You've got a good title, a good emotion, but I think your rhymes are detracting from your conveyance.

Best Wishes,

Jenn

[Wooddawg]

@ raw form....I wrote this in a matter of minutes, it just kinda came out, a side note/thought to another piece I was working on...most everything I write is meant to be a song, or outline an idea for a song.

[raw form]

This sounds more like a lyric than poetry. is it a lyrical poem?

[Fallacy Pharmacy]

This poem oozes with lust; so raw and magnificent in every single way. The short lines just adds to the whole effect... Aamazing!

[Wooddawg]

thanx for the feedback, grammer, spelling, punctuation etc. isn't my forte, so thanx for the correction.....although i do feel this might have been a little rushed, i do feel people can relate to this, this poem was more about "addiction" than "love"...and to anwser your question the kryptonite/crown line was describing how something/someone can make you feel like a hero and a zero at the same time...anyways thanx for your input, it is appreciated. :) best wishes to you too!