Clowning the Clown

Somewhere between hopelessness  
and hopeless drinking
eleven years of chasing death.

All the bad attitudes washed away, blinded though,
sink to where strength don't stay.
Smile and take it
addictions little b***h slave
following the hounds
sniffing out an early grave,
but nothing matters though
didn't you know?

To death tried to drink myself
such stupid thinking
too much thinking
I wasn't thinking...
I wasn't thinking!

Somewhere between here and
the other end of the road
Jim Beam fresh on my breath.

All the memories drowned away, blinded though,
hanging where nothing changes, just a loop on autoplay
exsisting but not living
cowardly brave
venomous resentment (all for)
the concern you gave,
but nothing matters if it matters though
didn't you know?

I never should of started drinking
(f*****g hate myself)
such a pity, such a shame,
dumbass...piece of s**t!
I tricked myself
I tricked myself!!!