Another Day at the Office

Humor

 F**k! It’s Monday morning. You regret having ordered that espresso to-go as you swerve through traffic like a madman. your beige Armani suit now resembles more of a Bill Cosby sweater as you pull up to the news station, completely unaware that your driving almost made a feature. You throw your car keys on the dash to retrieve your office room card from under your seat and slam the door. A little hungover from the Super Bowl party, you ease your way through a maze of co-workers and retreat behind your office door to cover your shame.

     Disgusted that your team lost, you slap the light switch and mosey on over to your messy desk, where even the chair is stacked with papers. Glancing at your Invicta, it’s 7:57. You still have three more minutes to not care, so you sling news articles like s**t and take a seat. The chair’s Belgian leather embraces every part of your a*s and chills echo up your spine. In the midst of being seduced by thoughts of an orgasmic slumber your fantasy subsides. 

     Rather than Calvin Klein this morning, your room instead permeates with the sharp stench of wasted coffee, a reminder of the money you worked so hard to throw away. You click on the personal flatscreen remote for CNN only to realize it is actually 8:15. You’re late! Turns out your five dollar cup of joe has caused three hundred dollars worth of damage to your now broken watch. Your mother gave you that damned watch. A frown shooting across your face, you officially designate this as Leave Malone alone Day. 

 

     You briefly wallow in self pity from your misfortune but there’s a sudden rap at your door.  You grumble so heavily that you nearly choke on your phlegm. If your boss McCauley knows you were late he’ll be in your a*s deeper than a wedgie. Being a former Marine, he’s quite a nut when it comes to timeliness. You shuffle to the door like a crab and twist the knob. It’s McCauley! 

     With an iceberg expression on his face the 6’4 man welcomes himself into your privacy. He takes a deep whiff of your office. “I’d offer you coffee but I see you’ve already had some”, pointing at your stained blazer. Expecting the worst, you give him your ear. You almost feel like his presidential aide because he deeply resembles Lyndon Baines Johnson. 

     With his arms folded behind his back, he paces toward your desk then adjusts his yellow tie as he turns back around revealing a sly smile. He stands over you like a Catholic priest. “Since you want to root for that sorry excuse for a team I have a surprise for you!”  You nearly roll your eyes but use your emergency brakes to stop them. “Um sir?” In your head, you think you should have just lied about who you were pulling for or not said a damn thing at all last week.

     “ Because my team won, you can take the day off to nurse your poor little wounds.” 

Your eyebrows begin to favor the Mcdonalds logo as you question your boss’s sobriety. In disbelief, you ask him to reiterate. Laughing boisterously he tells you that if you can leave by 8:30, someone else will cover your story for the day. Not one to bullshit, he pats fyou on the shoulder and walks out. As soon as the door clicks you smile so hard that you nearly rip a cheek.

     You assume he must be in a really good mood today but that’s all you need to hear to be on your way. Looking at the CNN update, it’s 8:23. Without the slightest hesitation, you race to gather your things and press the tv button with such force that the office wall creaks. Jumping over mountains of newspapers and a tilted trashcan, the scene in your room could pass for an NFL combine. Chuckling to yourself, this is definitely the hardest you have ever worked in that stupid office.

     Before you leave, you flick the light switch off triumphantly as if you really did s**t and pass by McCauley’s door to bid him adieu. The clock on his wall reads 8:27. He nods you off approvingly as you vigorously explode down the hall, even stopping for a cool sip of water on the way out. Your car is within spitting distance as you charge towards the door. It feels like you’re sacking a quarterback as you exit.

     Loosening your tie, you look to the gods as the outside air fills your lungs. Time to roll baby! You search your pockets for the keys but don’t feel them. Reaching even deeper you only pull up lint from what seems to be an empty abyss. Where the hell are those keys? You look up and what you see shatters your heart. Through the windshield of your blue Acura they rest on the dash like toys in a claw machine. 

     Desperate, you look at your clenched fist and contemplate busting your window. You are so close to freedom. Your eyes burn as you try to hold back the water works. With a look of amusement, McCauley leans his head outside of the front door and laughs hysterically. “Malone if you don’t get your a*s back in here!” Absolutely crushed, you gaze at your car one last time before stumbling back inside to your master like an escaped fugitive. “I don’t like your surprises!”  Wiping tears from his eyes McCauley takes your shoulder and escorts you down the long dark hall. “Well that’s okay. I’ve found a good story for you and while you’re at it, I’ll call a locksmith!” 

Author's Note

Please Comment and Give Suggestions. Im fairly new to writing.

Reviews

[valerie7412]

Youre so mean! Cool but mean! Why do you keep doing these things to your poor characters!! =P
You are a fine writer, hehe, and I mean it. Because you have a great sense of humor and great writing and totally would be able to use a word better than great here, but umm...youre kind of bad too which is what I think is kind of cool or something? But even this 50something year old virgin stupid woman bipolar, umm likes bad cool people too so, I guess it's OK if a christian since she was 5 person is into stuff like...YOU. Haha no but anyway I thought it was good. I guess that is it.

Umm I am a little more sober now. But it's too bad that I don't have anything else to say. So it's for nothing.

[KWP]

Ha this is great - if you are new to writing I think you are going great guns! Your style is rather unique and you definitely think outside the square. I love this piece cos you get inside the head of the narrator big time :)

I think you would be really excellent writing satire :)

I am duly impressed and well done XX

[Stan Lee]

Dude this is awesome! This story made me laugh my head off! Must be a bit of a sadist! lol.

[valerie7412]

Youre so sadistic! I like you.