Any Old Tuesday

A short story about the night I decided to never try and kill myself ever again.

A lot of people give me a ton of s**t about my “obsession” with David Bowie… here’s a story that might explain why I owe that man my life. If it weren’t for his music I would be dead due to the pain I felt as a teenager. From being different, from liking certain things that most people find to be taboo.

I remember it was night time. I’m not sure if it was AM or PM, but it was dark. It was just like any old Tuesday for me. I had gone to school, I had zombied through it, and I had come home. However, something was about to be different.

I’m pretty sure I had my bed kitty cornered at the time, and I was nestled in the space between the wall and the bed. I don’t know if I was hiding from anyone who would stop me from what I was about to do, or from the shame I had at the thought of me doing it.

I was wearing some raggedy jeans and a black sweatshirt. It was the only thing I could stomach to see myself in at the time. Confidence takes time I suppose. Any way, I was holding something thin and metallic in my shaking hand. The blade was pressed against my wrist but I hadn’t moved it yet. I could hear only faintly my computer playing a wide range of music on shuffle. However, my hearing was fading in and out. All I could hear really was my heart beat.

As I was about to slide the razor up my wrist, the music suddenly came in to sharp focus. I heard a familiar voice saying “Oh no love, you’re not alone.” I don’t know why it stuck out, I don’t know how, but it was as if a kind voice were whispering it directly in my ear. The blade slipped from my hand as if someone had knocked it away. It fluttered to the floor and got stuck in the carpet. I quickly went to pick it up, but it was as if there was something holding it from me.

Again, more passionately this time I hear “Oh no love, you’re not alone.” It struck me in the heart, and the tears began to flow.

That was the absolute last time I had ever tried to commit suicide. I have cut since then, although by now we are almost at the three year mark. I’m very proud of myself. I am also very thankful to the man singing those words. I swear that night something had physically grabbed that blade out of my hand. Whether it was just the intensity of the moment, or something more, David Bowie saved me that night. And I will be forever grateful.