After tonight

It was after tonight that I realized
Why it was she left me here as she did
Disconnected, unstrung, bewildered.
With nothing but memories that were once fond
Yet are now sour and acidic to my very being

It was after tonight that I realized
Why I could never tell her how I felt
Though I'm sure she knows that I do
Yet I've lost something crucial, something vital
I see you with what I've lost and it makes me yearn further

Tonight of all nights
Shards of glass fall together and the reflection is made whole
Strings tied to my masks severed from my face
Past actions played before my very eyes
I could only watch in painful silence

The chances I had to show you properly
Were times I hid in the shadows, and made a home in it
Gazing outside as the light shone around you
Wishing that it would cast itself on my skin
And bask me in its warmth and love

All the promises I've made of myself to you
Whether in openess or silence prayers
All of which I've broken behind you eyes and infront of your back
Only to make more promises and resolves
Only to break them and break under them

And now, I've broken myself and someone else
How could I look at you knowing what I've done
I can scarcely look in mirror in the mornings as it is
The gifts I had plan to lay at your feet
Burn my soul and blister my fingers.

Is the overwhelming doom of being exiled from home
The punishment that is due me?
Feelings of disownership and disdain
The justice my past cries out for?
Though divinely forgiven, these still claw at my sanity.

It was after tonight that I realize why I lost them
Once close, yet further distant by the day
Opening arms now weary and cautious
Can past crimes, though forgiven, ever be forgotten?
Can they ever stop haunting me?

I ask you for forgiveness, as well as Him
Yet every time I ask it of myself I burn
Each echo a stick for kindle
Their eyes, a mirror to reflect the heat
Each sensible tear, a lick from the fires

No wonder why my heart feels so pained
Why I could never fully connect with you
I am too much of a wreck
Too much a fool to see it
Too twisted to see where everything began and ended

Let me lie here and continue breaking
Surrendering to you and crumble to the dust I came from
Father I pray you pour yourself mercy and justice over me
Throw and mold back to what I was supposed to be
May I be strong enough, to surrender.