The Story of Why

A Story by Charlie McEwan

I'd rather spill my pen on the page than tears on my pillow. A story for growth.

"When life gives you lemons make lemonade." Its a funny statement, isn't it? Although the sentiment of the statement is very true it is important to state that you can't wait around for things to get better, you need to get out there and make the changes you need to better your situation. However, it's easier said than done. It's so easy to feel like you're drowning. Every time I make progress it feels as though the riptide is there sucking me back under. The dark, stormy waters are an accurate representation of my life and the way that I feel.

Today is the 17th March 2015 and after yet another horrible day I have come home and poured myself a glass of rum - Dark rum, named after a mythical sea creature. My choice of drink wasn't intentional but apt in the theme. Instead of feeling like I'm choking on frigid water gasping for breathe I feel a warming sensation - the waves are rolling again. I'm also listening to The Beatles (1962-1966) on my record player and thinking about all the different ways life could have turned out. So often I have heard words of wisdom advising not to waste time looking back.

"Don't dwell on the past, it does you no good." or "If you keep thinking about the past you'll get stuck there and never move forward."

The trouble with this is that my past has made me who I am. All paths that I have walked have led me to this moment. Learning from our mistakes is something that can only be done by reflecting back on our actions, analyzing the outcomes and understanding the consequences.

I don't understand how people exist, how they live or how they cope with life. Is the way that I feel completely normal? Does everyone move through life feeling like they are constantly searching for something while being unable to say what it is that they are looking for? I feel like a traitor in my own body, a stranger in my own home and an impostor in society.

I'm a great believer in the philosophy that everyone you meet is for a reason. I think everyone that touches our lives does so for a specific purpose and more often than not I think about what purpose my 26 years of respiration has been for.

Everyone has a story and I am not naive enough to think that my story is any better or worse than yours but it is something that I need to get out. I need to look at my actions and understand the consequences that I have faced. In doing this I hope that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to discover what my purpose is and find a bit of peace within myself.

Time to go back to the beginning...