Chemical Compounds

I stood in the waiting room lined with cold metal chairs. The faded blue wall paper was starting to peel. It had a musty smell that seemed to linger in my nostrils. On the wall hung a poster a black and white picture of a woman staring off into a darkened sky. Underneath it simply said, “Are you feeling depressed?” I was pretty sure that this room wouldn't brighten anyone's mood.

An old man wearing a black beanie and a filthy white tee shirt sat in a chair slowly rocking back and forth. His grey beard hung down his stomach. As he glanced up at me through vacant eyes. I quickly turned my head to avoid his gaze and shoved my hands deep into my pockets.  I could feel his eyes on me, watching while I paced back and forth. I felt like he could see right through me. I began to wonder am I really that transparent. The exit sign glowed above my head I took a step towards it. Debating I could just go, I don't need to be here.

The echo of heels on the linoleum floor a soft voice calls out to me "Rylie, why don't you come with me?"

I was paralysed momentarily but I slowly turned around to face her. The Doctor stood by the receptionist desk with a manila folder in her hands. My name neatly printed on its index. She was a tall thin woman with long black hair that she kept neatly pulled up into a bun. She gave me a smile and gestured down a long narrow hallway "Come on" She urged me to follow her.

She smiled as we made our way to her windowless office. She tried to walk by my side but I slowed my pace and fell a step behind.We walked into her small dimly lit office. She had me sit in an overstuffed green chair I heard the door latch behind us. I tried to maintain my composure but I could feel every muscle in my body clench.  I was trapped no way out except through the door she now sat in front of.

"How are you doing?" She asked with a concerned look in her eyes.

"Okay" I swallowed hard, I could feel all control slipping away from me.

"Are you taking your medication?" She stared at me over her wire rimmed glasses.

"Yes, three times a day" I said with a sigh. I looked down at the faded grey shag carpeting. I knew it was useless trying to explain why I did not want to.  These chemical compounds created for me in some lab are like putting a band aid on an amputation.  My hands trembled slightly but inside I was numb.

"Any more nightmares?" She leaned back in her big leather chair and glanced down at the manila folder open in her lap.

"None that I remember" My mind foggy thought process slowed. Might as well be among the walking dead I just keep going doing as I'm told without thinking or feeling. The nightmares had stopped but I still heard whispers from the demons of my past sometimes I thought I caught a glimpse of them in the faces of strangers I pass on the street.

"Anything else going on that you would like to discuss?"  She started writing something down.

I wondered what she was writing about me. I was afraid to say what  I think, half of what I think I feel but my mind is so muffled by these concoctions I can't quite make them out. I know what they are saying same thing they always have.  Worthless, no good, never be nobody, I try to shed these labels like lizards shed their skin. I have scrubbed until I am raw only to find it is more than skin deep. Could that be what she's writing? I couldn't bare another disappointed look so I shook my head “I’m fine" I looked up into her soft brown eyes.

"Well I'll see you next month" She leaned forward handing me an appointment card and three scripts. "You know your secrets are safe with me", she spoke softly.

"Okay", I replied in a hushed whisper afraid they would hear me. I was told never to tell the scars on my body were subtle reminders of that. After what happened to my brother I would never dare utter a word. He risked everything to save me. I hurried out of the office leaned against the building and drew in the crisp air.

The shadow cast by my very roots looms over me, my insignia preventing the sun from shining down upon my pale white skin. The past replayed through shattered windows, flickering images burned into my very essence. I fear them what is locked away in my mind.  Innocent child learning to abide by the rules soul stained with ignorance. I just keep going, keep my mind busy away from those doors.  No.... I can never go back there. I often fight until my body gives up on me and I fade into my dreams.  These hands full of pills are my only salvation yet the cost was so steep, I am slowly losing what’s left of me.

I can hear a rumbling in the distance, dark grey storm cloudy hovering in the sky. A fierce wind kicks up the leaves and debris blowing them across the black pavement.  “Ry-yy-li-ee” a soft whisper, I could practically feel the breath upon my skin. An ice cold shiver runs down my spine.  I looked around me frantically attempting to see who was calling my name. In the shadow something stirs, I allow my eyes to adjust there is nothing there. A man walked by with a long trench coat but seemed to pay me no attention. I pull my sweat shirt snug around my body; fling my hood over my head. I swallowed hard took a deep breath. It’s just the wind that’s all just the wind. I repeated to myself as I hurried to the drug store.  I pick up the pace, my feet hit the pavement hard, and I rush across the damp pavement water soaking the bottom of my jeans. I glance up ten more feet to the front door. It’s irrational he’s long gone serving time upstate they would tell you if he was out but I couldn’t shake the feeling someone was following me matching my pace. The doors opened and I quickly stepped through.

I kept my eyes glued to the floor as I eagerly handed my scripts over to the pharmacist behind the counter.

“When would you like to pick these up?” he asked with a smile spread across his face.

“I’ll wait here”, I sat down on the chair in the corner. I picked up a magazine pretending to read it trying to remain unnoticed. I watched the customers come and go gazing upon their faces. Watching their movements, deciphering their intentions, my knee bounced relentlessly against the floor. I willed it to stay still but I had no control over it. I could feel the fog in my mind start to lift. Oh hurry up they are wearing off. I did the best I could to avoid their gaze.  I could not bear it they say the eyes are the window to the soul. I don’t want them to see the truth, to know what I really am.

“Excuse me Miss” the man behind the counter waved me over.

“Finnally” I thought as I jumped up on to my feet and walked over to him plunging my hand deep into my pocket pulling out a crumpled wad of cash. “How much?” I snapped.

“Well I won’t be able to fill these until the morning.” He replied.

“Wh-wh-at d-do you m-m-mean?” I stuttered. “I-I need them!” I let out a deep shuddery breath.

“I am sorry. We do not have them here. There is nothing I can do until the morning.” He turned his back trying to avoid a confrontation. He must have known judging by the scripts that there was something wrong with me. Captive of my own demons, a force to be reckoned with “Ha!” If he only knew I am just a ghost, not even worthy to be considered a human. I turned on my heels and rushed out on to the street. I just want to go home and lock out the outside world.

The constant ache inside my chest grows stronger, a longing, a futile search for the rainbow on the other side. I head down the cold lonely street but evil lurks around every corner hiding within the shadows. I can feel it, watching me waiting. The lump in my throat swells, my heart pounds against my rib cage. I reach the steps to my house dig around in my pocket until my keys are within my grasp. My hands tremble; I began fumbling with the key trying to force them to fit the lock. I stop myself, slow down, just slow down. The click of the lock as it slides open, I push through slamming the door behind me. Click bolt, click knob, the rustle of the chain as I slide it across. I give it a quick pull, okay, nice and secure no one will get in through here.

I leaned forward bracing myself on my knees panting. The curtains, I have to make sure they are closed. I drew the blinds in the living room then made my way to the kitchen. With a balled up fist I wiped away the condensation that collected on the window. Looking down at the street below I could see the silhouette of a man leaning against the building across the way, the lamp post flickered, he was gone. I squint my eyes trying to figure out where it went.  It’s pathetic illogical what the hell is wrong with me. I slowly turn the metal rod to close the blinds. Every door is shut tight not a window can be seen through. My mind is spinning irrational thoughts seeping through.

I snatch open the cupboard grab an empty glass and drop in a few ice cubes. Oh my Captain the only man for me. I hear the ice crack as I pour rum over them. I give the glass a quick swirl I could barely taste it as it passed my lips. I could feel its burn as my liquid courage made its way down to my stomach. I placed my glass on the marble counter and stared at the melting ice cubes.

A cackling laughter emitted through my bare walls. The hair on the back of my neck stands at attention as an ice cold shiver runs down my spine. My eyes dart around the room. “Is someone there?” I called out half expecting an answer.

I pick up the phone and call the only person I could imagine would understand. Ring, ring “Hey its Bill: leave a message.”  My heart sunk in my chest, he promised he would always be there when I need him but when I actually do I get his f*****g voice mail. “Beep” Hey it’s me can you” I paused heard a voice whisper my name “P-p-plea” pathetic can’t even finish a sentence I hung up and threw the phone I watched it skid across the marble counter top.

I ran into the bathroom closing the door behind me. I leaned against the door and listened intently, the clock ticked relentlessly on the wall, my heart beating in my ears. My thoughts racing echoing with in my head, my temples throb. I need them gone.Just have to make it through a night just one night. I walked over and clung white knuckled to the sink, doing my best not to cry. I turned the water on staring down wishing my pain could be washed away with the water as it swirled down the drain. I cupped the water, the ice cold water in my hands and splashed it onto my face. I took a few shaky breaths as I looked up I caught a glimpse of my own reflection in the cold metallic grey mirror. Shadows plagued my lower eye lids.

The eyes staring back at me changed they were as grey as the storm clouds that raged in the sky. “Do you really think you can run from me?” his smile curled in the corners as he began to chuckle.

Those eyes peering out at me from the mirror burn into my soul and find the little girl curled up into a corner. I part my lips and attempt to scream but only a whisper escapes “What do you want? Leave me alone” My blood began to boil. I could hear the rusty hinges creak as the doors slammed wide open. Wood lying on the ground jagged and splintered, ear piercing screams fill the room. I ball my fists and smash them into the mirror in front of me the glass shatters falling to the ground. He is standing over me my heart pounding, every muscle in my body clenches. He is standing behind me I can feel his rancid breath on my skin. “Your mine there is no escape” I turn around backing away I could feel the wall against my back. My knees begin to wobble and I slide down onto the floor. “No ppp-pp-le” my voice cracks I swallow hard I’m trapped. I should have known he always said he would find me. He knelt down in front of me his ice cold fingers ran across my cheek. “Your mine” he said seething. Sobs erupt from my throat “I’m sorry for what I am, for what I have been, for what I have done” I caught a glimpse of a glass shard that lay next to me on the floor. I wrapped my bony fingers around it. I raised it in front of me catching a glimpse of my own reflection, my eyes filled with guilt and shame. His mouth dropped open in shock he reached for my hand but he was too late. It slid across my arm with ease. I slumped against the white bath tub and closed my eyes tight. I could feel the color draining from my face. The blood pumped out of my tattered vein like crimson ribbons I could feel its warmth as it dripped down my cold pale arms.

My body became numb. Voices filled the room, so many faces come to seek their revenge, reap the reward but they are too late. I gazed upon them and I softly whispered “I will never be yours.” You may have stolen my innocents, pieces of my mind but my life is not as easily taken. In the end we all get what we deserve don’t we? Then I closed my eyes my mind protected from all anxiety the weight I carried for so long lifted. Conciseness seemed to slip between my all too willing fingers...........