The powerless me...

A Story by Tiny Drop

Today, I had one of those meaningful conversations. Those which either leave bathed in tears or make you consider everything you thought or said in your entire life. For me, at least for today, it was the later. I started thinking of a smile - a smile so dear to me that it's now gone. A smile as delicious as a chocolate muffin, as pure as a white lily, as comfortable as cozy blanket in the winter.

Then I stopped myself as I felt at the brink of the abyss, my tears threatening to overflow me in their gigantic wave. I was never a person to cry, to sob and weep until I felt nothing. I thought I was just that type of person who is numb in the exterior to the pain of loss. And then you left, just as if to prove me wrong, and I cried as I had never did before. First, on that day, and then for many more to come where you wouldn't be.
That day I remembered all the scenes from those lame soap operas and movies and wept again. I had never understood, maybe because their acting was not that great, but I had never realized how deep an invisible knife can cut. How loss can turn your world upside down and make you feel cold inside, even if your blood runs as hot as a volcano. Everything stops making sense. It's like you're numb to the world.
The people come rushing down on you with apologies and pity smiles. I just stayed there, numb. People passed me and I smiled - weak smiles that they kept in their hearts for a second only until something else took their attention away. But what was there to distract me? I could only see the crowns of tasteless flowers, the empty stares given to me, the coffin in the center of the room. The chairs and halls filled with people I knew nothing of. I wanted them gone.
I wanted to turn back time. I wanted those hugs back. I wanted the cheerful smiles. I wanted the lousy jokes. I wanted even the arguments. I wanted everything back, everything that had been stolen from me. I wanted...
I wanted... but I couldn't have it.
I was a mere grain of sand in a vast beach. The other grains cared not for my pain. The universe didn't care at all. Why should it? Was there really a god up there having fun messing with my emotions? If so, then I was giving one hell of a show. I wanted to change so much, go back and make it all whole again. I wanted to fix my broken heart. I wanted to fix it and mend it until my lips could smile again. If there was a god out there, I would do anything! Anything!
The silent noisy crowd was my only answer...
As usual I felt alone, alone in a sea of grains who only moves as a whole. I wanted power, I wanted the strength to fight the reality. But, I had none. So, the child in me hid in my dreams, as the adult kept on living...
Powerless, as it had always been.