Chapter 1

Read and find out.

The descent onto earth was not that bad. Falling from the Kingdom was worse. It made me feel like a fallen angel. I had come with my two brothers, Michael and A’lial; we had a mission. We were to defeat as many demons and convert as many humans as possible.

We finally crashed into earth, and made a huge crater a mile wide. All the demons in the surrounding town would be destroyed from the holy blast that came from the touchdown, and pushed back down to hell, never to return to earth.

Michael stood up first, claiming himself the leader. A’lial stood up next, claiming he was second in command in the hierarchy. That was my two older brothers, not in the same family though, just other angels.

That left me the last in the hierarchy. I would’ve been last anyway, because my brothers were male and older, the way hierarchy works with heavenly bodies. And I had just graduated ATP, Angel Training Program, while my brothers had already been to earth before.

That was why our Master had wanted a son. Females were always last. They were weaker than males. It was a holy fact. Master Jesus was only strong enough to endure what he did because he had been a male, and he had distanced himself of his own feelings and emotions, for the feelings and emotions of his Father.

We flew to our holy destination, a church. It took us all night to get there. When finally we arrived, the Priest welcomed us with open arms. Michael and A’lial talked with him in the other room, leaving me to be by myself, looking over the house/church.

I wanted to have the comfort of A’lial next to me. We were betrothed from birth, because me and A’lial were both original angels, born from original angel parents. But I knew that he was attending important business.

I didn’t like Michael. He was too strict and mean, though I knew why. He was an archangel. But that didn’t stop me from keeping secrets from him. Like the fact that I was more excited to be on Earth than I was meant to.

I was proud that I was the one to be picked to go to Earth. It might be a little too carefree to trust earth as much as I do, I thought. Everyone already says how much of an arrogant child I am, misplacing my trust all the time.

The next day, we were getting settled into the church. It was now Monday, so there would be no church until Sunday. I couldn’t wait! The priest had explained that a group of three angels rained down from the heavens every Sunday all over the earth. We weren’t the only ones! I wanted to meet more angels, angels that had been on earth longer, because Earth was so confusing.

That night my whole body cramped, my head was hurting, and my body felt like one huge weight. The priest finally led me to a soft object, with an even softer smaller object at the head of it. There were coverings on top that he wrapped around me when I laid down on the object. He called it a bed. He said I must’ve been exhausted. A synonym for tired, he said. We never got tired in the kingdom. Heaven was so much better than earth, I didn’t know why more humans wouldn’t want to be up there with us.

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        I woke up screaming. I ran around the room, looking for the demon. Then Michael, A’lial, and the priest ran into the room, Michael holding a sword of flame, the archangel’s weapon. He was crouched in a fighting position.

         “I saw a demon. He was coming after me!” I cried. My voice still sounded weird to my new human ears. Echoey. We didn’t communicate with a voice in Heaven. We were just bodies of light.

        “When did you see it?” the priest asked calmly. How can he be so calm when there was a demon in the church? He was on earth for the same reason as us, to defeat demons.

        “I was sleeping, and I must’ve had my eyes cracked open a little bit. I saw it!” I

exclaimed.

        The priest looked even more calm. “It was probably just a dream.” He explained.

        “A dream? What is that?” I asked.

        “Sometimes we get visions of our destiny in our sleep, or memories of Heaven,” he explained. Then he ushered the two boys out, Michael still wary, and I fell asleep.

        The next morning, Tuesday, my stomach growled so badly it hurt, and I moaned. What was wrong with me?

        I ran into the main room of the church, and cried to the priest. “My stomach is making strange noises and it hurts, what is wrong with me?”

        He chuckled. “It is nothing to worry about, dear one. You are just hungry.”

        He gave me a bowl of cereal with milk and a spoon. I ate it ravenously, then asked for another, and another. It was good and all, but we never get hungry in Heaven, I thought.

        Again, earth was so weird.

Author's Note

As a writer, i want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly of my writing. So there is no need to sugarcoat your reviews. Be brutal, be ruthless.

Reviews

[JayG]

So... you wanted the bad news? I applaud your courage and dedication. I also suggest you take a deep breath, and perhaps a small glass of wine, allowed to mellow in the stomach, before going on.

It's not that what I have to say is bad, and as company in what I'm going to say you have pretty much every hopeful writer, but still...

But first, a disclaimer: Nothing I'm about to say relates to your talent, or to bad or good writing. In fact, you write well. The problem lies in a misunderstanding we all leave school with: We learned a skill-set we call writing. And the profession we hope to practice is called Fiction-Writing. So it sounds reasonable that since the two words are spelled the same, they refer to the same thing. They don't.

What we miss is that ALL professions and trades are learned IN-ADDITION to the general skills we're given in our skill days. And fiction is a profession, a difficult one at that.

So what do we learn in our school days if not writing? Think about the ratio of reports and essays you were assigned, compared to the number of stories. This is critical, because those nonfiction skills you practiced till they feel intuitive are taught because they're what most employers want of us. They want writing that informs the reader, concisely and accuratly. So it's techniques are author-centric and fact-based—we tell the reader the facts of the situation. But were you reading a romance do you want to be told that the protagonist feels love, or do you want the author to make YOU fall in love for the same reasons as does the protagonist? Do you want to be informed, or entertained by being made to live the story, moment-by-moment, AS the protagonist?

No way in hell can the schooldays writing skills we were given make a story so real that when someone throws a bottle at the protagonist the reader will flinch. But that's what readers expect the writing to do.They want writing that's emotion-based and character-centric, becuse nonfiction isn't made to involve the reader emotionally. It only informs.

Look at the opening of the story, not as someone who knows the situation, the background, and the characters before they read the first word. Instead, look at it as someone who has only what the words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR background, and with no access to your intent for the way the words are to be taken. And complicating that, what probability is there that the reader has the same local cultural background, is of the same age group, and has the same gender biases.

• The descent onto earth was not that bad.

What can this mean to someone who has no idea of who we are, where we are in time and space, or if we're descending via teleportation, an elevator, walking down a long slope, or...? And does "not too bad" mean that they encountered only a few dragons, only had to hold their breath when the car went through gas pockets, or... You know. The characters know. But who did you write this for? Shouldn't they know, too.

And you can't say to read on and all will become clear because readers won't. You're not there to answer their questions, and they have no assurance that the writing will clarify. In the bookseller, there are thousands of other books shouting, "Read me, I'm better. And in any case, who wants to be confused?

• Falling from the Kingdom was worse.

Worse? Worse than what? And, the Kingdom? what in the pluperfect hells can "the Kingdom? mean to someone who just arrived.

What's happening is that because you already know the story, and are talking ABOUT it, you'll automatically fill in the missing detail, and everything will make perfect sense...to you. So you'll see no problem. But the reader has no context to call on.

In this, you're reporting, exactly as you've been trained to, and as we might expect of report writing skills, it reads like a report. Sure, if the reader was seeking that...but...

The solution is simple and obvious. Add the professional skills of fiction to the ones that will prove so useful when nonfiction writing is required. As far as being easy, that's another matter, though. I won't kid you on that. We are talking about a profession, and the body of writing techniques you need to learn and perfect is equal in size to the skills of nonfiction. So it's going to take study, thought, and lots of practice to make their usage as automatic as the current skill set is. But that's true of any profession.

And while this is unexpected, and not something you hoped to hear, the good news is that if you're meant to be a writer the learning will be fun, like going backstage in the theater. And the difference in your writing will be amazing. While it's a lot of unexpected work, it is something every writer faces on the way to publication, so it's more of a rite-of-passage than a disaster. And to put things into perspective you have a LOT of company.

Some more good news: One of the most important things you'll learn is to think as-the-protagonist, and visualize the scene as they view it, which makes the act of writing a LOT more fun, because your protagonist becomes your co-writer, and will sometimes tell you: "Hell no, I'd never do that. It's not in my nature. But how about if I...?" That's fun, because they'll solve problems and suggest alternatives that as an outside observer, like the author, you won't see.

For an overview of the skills you'll need to learn, you might look at the articles in my writing blog. Most of them were written for one of my publisher's newsletter, and are meant for the hopeful writer.

A great resource to call on is the library's fiction=writing section. There, you'll find the views of noteworthy teachers, publishing pros, and successful writers. If you're as serious as you appear to be from your bio, a suggestion: Pick up a personal copy of Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer from any online bookseller. It's an older book, so he talks about your typewriter, not a keyboard. And the section on research could be replaced by "Use google." But be that as it may, it's still be best book I've found on the nuts and bolts issues of creating scenes that sing to a reader.

It's not the easiest book, though, and if you're not ready for a university level text, another, easier—but less complete book—is Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. They're a lot alike, and in the end, you might want to read both. There are others, as well. Between the two is Jack Bickham's, Scene and Structure, and his, 38 Mistakes.

So have at it. But while you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[WitchyWiccan)0(]

Yes, I totally understand what you are saying. Honestly, the first chapter makes me cringe. Really, the first like 1/4 of my story makes me cringe. I'm honestly not good at writing the beginning of the story. Because I already know the story before I write it, I just have to think real hard about "how does this start?" I kind of put together this chapter really quick just so I could have SOMETHING to start off with. And I havent re-read or edited anything yet, because i haven't even finished writing yet. I'm no where near editing stage. I would love to acquire many reviews and suggestions before I do edit so that I can implement them into the story when the time is right. Thank you for your suggestions, and thank you for taking the time to give me an honest review. I honestly don't like the "good job" reviews. They don't help at all.

[WitchyWiccan)0(]

And, if I could legally drink, trust me I would have a glass of wine next to me every time I sit down to write XD

[JayG]

• And I havent re-read or edited anything yet, because i haven't even finished writing yet.

That's a major mistake, one that pretty much all hopeful writers make.

Here's the deal: If you don't know how to write a scene, structurally, fixing that will end up requiring major rewrites of everything that follows.

If you don't know that every scene ends up in disaster for the protagonist, for example, and why, you won't do it. But if you don't, the flow of the novel will dramatically change when you fix scene one, meaning that you have to literally toss and rewrite scene two. But that changes scene three, and...

If you loved bridges, would you try to design your first bridge, and build it, then learn what's involved in planning and constructing one on your terrain? Of course not. For every profession, you first learn the profession, then practice it. And lest you fall into the trap of thinking that having read so much fiction you've picked up the tricks, we can no more do that than learn to cook by eating .

To see how much of writing we learn by reading, ask tell friends to tell you, without looking, what's different about the first paragraph of every chapter. in over half the fiction in the library. It's simple, obvious, and seen every time you reach a chapter break in those books. But damn few can tell you, and some can't, until it's pointed to and explained. And if we miss something so obvious, how are we to get the things that aren't obvious, like where to place the inciting incident?

I know how you feel. You're bursting with stories that want to be told. But plot is the easiest part of writing, and low on the list of importance, because plot can only be appreciated in retrospect. Making the reader NEED to turn to the next page, on-every-single-page is a b***h. But fail to do that and the reader never sees page two, and you wasted the effort to write everything past page one.

As someone who owned a manuscript critiquing service, and has been at this game for over thirty years, I don't mean to be discouraging when I say that by writing the novel first and then learning what you should have done, the only thing you accomplish is to harden bad habits into concrete.

If you love writing fiction as I do, but are unwilling to spend a bit of time, and perhaps a few dollars on your writers education, you're shooting yourself in the foot. As Mark Twain so wisely observed, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” And at this point, having been given training ONLY in nonfiction writing skills, there's a LOT of "just ain't so," that needs fixing.