Once Upon a Summer

 

Once upon a summer day

 

When it was you and I,

 

We would lay down on the grass

 

And watch the clouds go by.

 

 

We'd sit beneath the apple tree

 

And picnic in the shade.

 

Together, we'd laugh endlessly

 

Over silly things we said.

 

 

We'd meet outside on starlit nights

 

And chase after fireflies,

 

Then I would sit and watch the stars  

 

With you there, by my side.

 

 

But summer came, and summer left

 

And somehow, we moved on.

 

And just like all those summer days,

 

I know that you're long gone.

 

 

But though we've long since parted ways

 

And though you said goodbye,

 

I still look back on those summer days

 

When it was you and I.

 

 

Now I lie down upon the grass

 

Like we both used to do.

 

 

 

Once upon a summer day

 

 

I dreamed a dream of you.

 

 

 

Author's Note

My first lovey-dovey poem! ^_^
Please tell me what you think!

Reviews

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

Oh yes, this brings back such vivid memories for me when I was young, so many years ago now.
I laid in tall grass with my first love. Ahrrr. I had a little shiver.
A beautiful simple poem that invokes such deep memories in many people I'm sure.
This is going in my Library. definitely one to remember.

[❀ Gabriela ❀]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad this could bring back those memories to you :)

[Mark Anthony Games (Hum..]

Blessed you are to have BLBrown's review. I cannot top that but, words should not always be grammatically right, hell Shakespeare made words up that never existed before. Just make sure you say what you feel to get the emotion flowing. For this reason Bryan Adam 'Summer of 69' will always be better than Kid Rocks 'All summer Long'. Both these songs have the same theme as your poem, looking back on days of love but its their use of words that make them good songs not the precise construction of grammar. Not having a go at Brown, the points are great, but not always entirely true.

[❀ Gabriela ❀]

Thank you for the review! :D You both make excellent points- I really appreciate the thoughts and advice!! :)

[Artiste de Mots]

It is beautiful to have those moments with that special someone or even a friend. Miracles are where faith is.

[❀ Gabriela ❀]

Thanks! :)

[BLBrown]

Very romantic and beautiful. It flows nicely and I like how you made the rhyme feel almost effortless. That's the way a poem should feel...flowing and not choppy.

I do have a few comments:

- "You and I" is actually grammatically incorrect. It should read "you and me." You might not care about it but it can be a distraction away from the flow. So, in the first stanza of four lines you could instead write:

Once upon a summer day
When it was you and me,
We would lay down on the grass
And watch the clouds set free.

- I like how you put some structure to this with four lines per stanza. For some reason, it looks like you have extra blank lines in the last stanza

- In the second stanza your last line reads:

"Over silly things we said." I think you would achieve a less forced rhyme with "Over silly things we'd say." Just a thought.

- You wrote:

But though we've long since parted ways
And though you said goodbye,
I still look back on those summer days
When it was you and I.

So again the grammar issue on the last line, could be changed, bringing it back full circle, to something like:

You wrote:
But though we've long since parted ways
And though you said goodbye,
I still look back on those summer days
When it was you and I.

You could change to something like:
But though we long since parted ways (changed "we've" to "we")
With farewells beneath that apple tree (new line)
I still look back on those summer days
When it was still you and me (changed "I" to "me")

This is such a fine piece of poetry that I would like to see you go further with it, tightening it up with same syllable count to improve flow. It would be a challenge but I think you would be really happy with the end result.

Keep writing!!

[❀ Gabriela ❀]

Thanks so much for the review and constructive criticism. I'm always trying to improve my poems, and I really appreciate the advice! :)

Thanks again, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[BLBrown]

Your welcome. It truly is a beautiful poem, or I wouldn't have done such extensive review. I look forward to seeing your next version if you like!

[Timtim]

I like the simplicity in this poem, i have a question though, must have meant a lot to you

[Legolas]

Loved it!! You have a way with words:)

[The XYZ Writer]

A very innocent poem, filled with warm yet sad feelings. Very nice and sweet. :)

~Sumayya

[Blair]

I loved it, I can related to this poem because it reminds me of my first love who also happened to just be a Summer romance!

[just is]

Such a lovely write, much enjoyed

[Dream Hunter]

i don't typically read stuff about love, but this poem was BEAUTIFUL! it very well could have been a poem about two children or friends, not necessarily about love. All the same, you did a great job writing this. It's a work of art!