lost

I don't recall writing this but it's in my documents so...

Time really doesn't heal; it just blurs things.

I have never before thought this way. I have never heard these words uttered in all my long years of existence. I have never worried about this, I have never thought about this. This has never even crossed my mind. At least, that was until that one fateful evening when everything that had happened in the past came flying back at me.

I have done bad things, things I am not proud of. When I was doing those things, I believed they were good, right. Now, as I sit here on this bed and try to hide myself from the agony, I realize my mistake.

I was once told to never change. The man who told me that is, and will now always be, the most important person to me. He taught me things, things I never would have learned if I had not met him the way I did. The bad things I did, I did because I thought it would save him and his family; would protect them from the evils of the world. I did not listen to him when he told me what I was doing was wrong. I changed. I lost him.

Now, as I look back on what I remember, I notice things. Things I may never would have noticed before, if it weren't for that night. That night is what brought me here; that night is what brought the beginnings of my forgiveness. That night is what brought him back.

As I have said, there are things I have done that I would never have done years ago, when I first arrived. But those decisions I made, while they may have been poor ones, were mine to make. I did not have anyone telling me what to do, anyone ordering me where to go. I was free to do as I pleased. I believe that may be the reason my decisions ended so poorly; I was drunk on the power and thrill of free will. That will not happen again. I swore to myself on that day that I would never hurt him again.

So now I will sit here; now I will wait. I will wait for the day that he comes back for me. I will wait for the day where I am to be forgiven. I will wait patiently, and while I wait, I will deal with the burden I have given myself, attempt to heal myself, and try to have faith.

That day I stopped believing in myself, but I will never stop believing in him.