My Life Lesson

Just something that has been on my mind.

Okay, so I've been in a contemplative mood for a few weeks now. I can't explain it. I've always thought about life and friends and the meaning of it, but these past few weeks I've thought about it more than ever. Maybe it's because yearbooks have been passed out, shortening the time until graduation and then to the year I graduate and start my life. Maybe I've changed. Maybe it's God. Or maybe I just needed to really put into words what I've always felt in my heart.

I've always been a deep thinker, but I've never had the ability to put what I feel into words. Riverdance, my twin, has always done that for me. It's a real disability to not say what I feel. That's why I'm generally quiet and seemingly reserved in a conversation. The lights are on and somebody's home, but she doesn't come to the door.

Now I'm ready to express what I think. I can't make it make any sense, but at least I could try.

But where to begin??

Maybe I could start with how I feel about my twin sister.
Don't misunderstand. I love her to death, and I wouldn't ask for a different family. But she's the person I wish I could be. She's so intelligent, and beautiful. And she has this amazing ability with words. She can do anything with her words. She writes poetry that she hates and I'm so jealous of!! Plus she's a great listener. She can draw anything she thinks of while I'm limited to that which my eye can see. And I know it's wrong to be jealous of her because we are two different people, but when others pretend me are, it's hard not to. I know I need to find my strengths and become my own person, but somethings holding me back. And it's not her fault, but until I find my own strength to fly, I feel I will always live in her shadow.

Then there's the whole growing up thing.
When we're just children, we live life each day. 5 minutes is an eternity. We watched cartoons for hours because we didn't have any responsibilities. We played Pokemon and such with our "best friends". Everyone loved the other. Life was perfect. We all talked about what we would be and what we would have and do when we grew up.

But then we did grow up.
And nothing seems the same.

We don't always express our emotions, and sometimes we don't express enough. We're afraid to try something because of failure. We lose our innocence and we begin to judge. Life doesn't seem like the blessing it is anymore. Nothing seems right. We feel like God has deserted us because we refuse to see the goodness that we saw as children. I used to be so good about not judging a person. Now I can't say that I'm still that way. Sure, I try, but peer pressure and all the bad people in the world that my eyes have been opened up to changed that.

And that leads to another thing. Love and Trust. I don't know, but I feel like I'm the only one afraid of the committment of marriage. It scares the mess out of me!! Not that I don't want to marry someday when I'm older. It's more that I'm afraid of finding the wrong person or of not giving the right person a chance. Maybe that's why I've rarely said yes to a guy when he asks me out. Maybe that's why I never tell someone that I care for them. And I feel like there is no guy out there patient enough to help. I just pray that he is there somewhere.
But trust is a scary thing. It's usually those people that say they'll never hurt you that hurt you the most. Why?? It all goes back to trust. And they may have not meant to hurt you. They just slipped up. It happens, but boy does it hurt. That might explain why it's hard to get me to open up and trust someone. But when you get my trust, it's there forever until i lose it, and it's all of it. Not just a part of it. You get the whole sha-bang.

 

And then there's the whole right/wrong thing. I've grown up with strong morals and a strong belief in what I consider right, but these days sometimes I don't know. And that scares me. Society has changed, and so have the people, and sometimes I feel rejected because I don't join in with others because it just doesn't feel right. But then again I don't even know if it's wrong to do it, i just don't do it. It's so confusing, and I don't always know how to handle situations except not to get near them in the first place.

I feel like I've just been rambling, but at the same time I feel like I only expressed a small part of what I feel.
I feel so small at times, and at others I feel insignificant and in the way, like life doesn't want me. I'm really a happy person, but it seems to me at times that others are getting more out of life than I am. Why?? I think maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm afraid to try.

So as I bring my thoughts to a close, I hope that maybe one day I will be bold enough to do what I feel, to say what I think, and to try new things that could make me grow even more and become who I'm supposed to be. I know I've grown a lot over the years. All those mission trips weren't for nothing. And the conversations I've had with some close friends over the years have helped. I just hope I can live my life the way it's meant to be.

Author's Note

This is just a thought thing...getting some feelings out in the open

Reviews

[Toni Prehoda Kahler]

You said you don't have a way with words - but you do, Windsong.....as I read this piece I know you are standing on the cusp of your life, you are considering who you are. You speak of your twin, you compare yourself to her....you are your own person. Your gift is showing here, you notice the deeper things in life, you notice your feelings. Way with words can be learned, but the skills for introspection and deeper considerations comes from within, something you are born with. You skillfully portrayed your struggle between taking risks or experiencing little of life, and I believe you will be "bold enough to do what you feel, say what you think and try new things..." It all takes time.....love will find you.....keep on writing and exploring and expressing. Thanks for this brave piece!

[radian7]

You have chosen a constructive mode for catharsis. In your getting things out you judge yourself rather harshly. Judging and learning are not easy companions.
You are tackling deep questions on some of the toughest subjects. Kudos for bravery.

[Mariah Mcintyre]

I see what your talking about, I feel the same way somethimes. You talk about feeling "small" and "insignificant", I think alot of people can relate with that and identify with your unsure yet bold statements about society and growing up. I certainly did. And I also agree with Toni, you have quite a way with words :)

[Mayaway]

reminds me somehow of myself....
I think that's how we become writers...