STORIES FROM MY UNCLE EARL'S LIFE

STORIES FROM MY UNCLE EARL’S LIFE

Prelude

To anyone who knows him well or has encountered him, my Uncle Earl is considered a local treasure in the city and county where he and my Aunt Martha live. Uncle Earl is a simple, honest man who has never done a mean thing in his life. He’s always well-intended, good-natured and not very bright by most standards, a fact always over looked by the people who know or have heard of his exploits, And few people would ever tease, mock or laugh at his often misguided adventures. Still, his exploits have make him a living legend in West Texas.

1.

An Uncle Earl And Aunt Martha Story:

My Uncle Earl was not the smartest man in the world, as everyone who knows him knows, understands and overlook. He also seems to be naturally lucky, which works well in his favor because Uncle Earl is also one of the laziest person any of us knows. With luck smiling down on him, when he went looking for a job, he landed the perfect job to suit him. This job was for a company that manufactured new mattresses and Uncle Earl was hired as a ‘test pilot,’ so to speak, and every day he was to fall asleep on the new prototype mattresses so the researchers could monitor how quickly he fell asleep. This was repeated daily, except for weekends. And just as important as this perfect job for a lazy man was, the benefits extended to his home life with his wife, my Aunt Martha. Because Uncle Earl may not have been all that smart but at least he was smart enough to never tell my Aunt Martha exactly what he did for the company. Not doing so allowed him the excuse of always telling her he was simply too tired, too worn out, from work to do any choirs around their home he wasn’t in the mood to do.

2.

When Uncle Earl Was Arrested! Again!

He’s my west Texas Uncle, and like people who know him, I love him and overlook his flaws. How he got arrested this time was because he always wanted one of those fancy city boy pickup trucks with those tailgates that open and drop down to the ground and you can put things on and he heard of some local farmer who had one for sale cheap and it ran well. Earl paid him cash and drove it over to show off to a fellow good ‘ol boy friend. His friend Hank was impressed and this

made Earl proud until:

“You got yourself a fine looking Tommy Lift now!”

“ What are you talking about, Hank?”

“Right there on the back of the tailgate it says it’s a Tommy Lift.”

“A Tommy Lift! Gosh shucks, I didn’t notice that bull dump,” Earl screamed, then climbed into the truck and headed back to see the crook he bought it from.

After a long, drawn out fight that the dude’s whole family was enjoying Bertha, the guy’s wife, called Officer Jimmy because it was getting near suppertime and her husband still had to fetch the cows to get them back into the barn.

On the way to the station Earl tried to explain to Jimmy that the guy was a crook and sold Earl a worthless truck.

“That darn truck lift is a Tommy Lift, Jimmy, and I don’t know any Tommy anywhere at all for miles and miles anywhere I can be giving a lift to.”

Because Officer Jimmy was too tired to deal with Earl he locked in a cell for the night.

3.

When My Uncle Earl Disappeared! Again!

How it happed this time was some neighbor kids in the little town were they all lived talked him into going Snipe hunting. Because my Uncle Earl isn’t that bright he fell for this over old gag game, the one where you’re supposed to go hunting for a fictional animal. So how he got lost is those kids told him the Snipe lives deep in the woods, almost hidden by the thick underbrush. The only clue that you’re getting close to the Snipe is it only drinks filtered water that’s filtered through the process to two connecting and large tanks with a copper tube connecting both tanks. One tank is for heating the water to purify it and the other tank is for letting the water cool off enough to drink.

Poor old Uncle Earl believed those kids and after two weeks no expected him come back out of those deep woods alive. But he did return alive after those Moonshine makers figured out he was too dumb to even know what they were illegally brewing and he said he was only looking for Snipes. And they were never dumb enough to fall for that old joke.

4.

My Uncle Earl’s Firefly Claim

My Uncle Earl once told me how Fireflies really became Fireflies and added he was telling me this because everyone else thought he was dumb or foolish or a bad liar, or all three, and I was the only one who ever believed him. It’s not that I ever believed him but that, even as a young kid, I never wanted to hurt his feelings.

So what my Uncle Earl told me was all Fireflies started out as regular Flies and God put them on Earth for a reason, the reason being to pester and bother all the people and animals. And doing so was to remind us how lucky we were not to be nasty Flies. But the one’s God decided were much too lazy or didn’t want to do what He intended them to do were banished to roaming the land at night and fired them as regular flies. So this was how they came to be known as Fired Flies or Fireflies. A few of the Flies were so ashamed they willed themselves to die. But the others were so mad at God that when night came they showed their anger by making their bodies make bright lights at night to show their anger.

5.

My Uncle Earl’s Check Engine Light Saga

Everyone knows my Uncle Earl is a nice, sweet and harmless enough guy who also happens to be a little backwards in his thinking process. But still, his latest problem with his check engine light soon spread throughout the town, the county and perhaps the state as another legend of his exploits.

How it began was last week Uncle Earl was driving his truck down a country road when the Check Engine Light on the dashboard turned Red. He had enough sense to pull over and turn off the engine, then pop the hood to see if he could see what the problem was. With the hood raised he saw the engine was still there. And to him this meant nobody had stolen his engine. So he closed the hood, climbed back into the cab and started driving towards his house. Several more times the Check Engine Light turned Red and he stopped his truck only to find the engine was still there. So Uncle Earl figured only one of two things would cause this. The first being his old buddy Billy Joe was somehow playing a trick on him. Or the truck warranty had finally expired as those constant telemarketer callers kept saying would happen. So Uncle Earl decided to ignore the light when it turned Red. He kept doing this until yesterday when the engine suddenly froze up and quit running.

When an old farmer finally came down the road he towed Uncle Earl’s truck to the nearest garage. The mechanic quickly realized the engine had warped heads and a cracked block and had been driven with little water, then finally no water. The he told my Uncle it would cost more to repair the engine than the truck was worth. Uncle Earl, while feeling sorry for the poor truck, reached behind the truck’s seat, grabbed his Colt 45 and shot the engine at close range, believing, as with a horse with a broken leg, it was the humane thing to do.

6.

My Uncle Earl’s Pot Of Gold Problem

After years of waiting for, seeing a Rainbow and searching for the end of the Rainbow my Uncle Earl finally found where it touched the ground. However, as he was sweating and grunting to pull up all those weird smelling weeds he was sure were hiding the pot of gold from him, three guys suddenly showed up carrying assault weapons, very angry he was destroying their marijuana farm. After threatening and interrogating him for over an hour all the time with their weapons aimed at him, they finally let him go because they figured no actor to could pull off being that stupid. Feeling sorry for him, one came up with a lie that Earl would easily believe, the lie being Earl was chasing the fake end of a Rainbow because an Elf used his magic to lead Earl in the wrong direction. So Big Jack, one of the pot growers, told Earl the real, un-fake pot of gold was 50 miles South East of and near the town of Shinny Rock, the little town Uncle Earl grew up in and still lived in, and gave him enough money for bus fair to get back to Shinny Rock.

They never heard from Uncle Earl again and weren’t worried that he would stumble upon their location again so, more out of pity than respect, they named a new brand name of a cannabis product after him, called Earl’s Pot, and soon it started showing up for sale in some of the legal medical cannabis stores in California.

7.

Another Uncle Earl And Aunt Martha Story

Everybody knew Martha married my Uncle Earl because she felt sorry and wanted to love and take care of him. We also all knew Uncle Earl was about as smart a Horsechestnut. And we all figured out pretty quicky that Aunt Martha had the patience of a true Saint.

Like last Sunday morning when Uncle Earl was trying to put on his Sunday Go To Church shirt and rushed into the kitchen clutching the shirt and complaining to Aunt Martha the collar was too tight because she must have starched it by mistake.

Martha looked at him try it again, and smiled the loving smile of a Saint, and gently told him that he was simply trying to put his head through a sleeve opening.

8.

My Uncle Earl’s Tailgate Trauma

The area had experienced some heavy rainfall the night before and my Uncle Earl, about as smart as the dumbest Pumpkin in the patch, was at least smart enough to only drive on paved roads on his way to the local country store to buy the new edition of ‘Punch Lines For Dummies.’ But less than a third of the way there his car ran out of gas and he decided to start walking. But it was a hot, humid morning with clouds blocking the Sun and Earl hoped someone would drive by and offer him a ride. Soon Farmer Brown, the richest man in the county, the type of snob who reminded everyone who rich he was, was driving his new, shinny, just polished, pickup truck down the road and offered Earl a lift, hopped out of the cab and headed to the uncovered bed of truck. But he told Earl he had to ride back here and warned him not to scratch the paint. With Earl seated on the floor of the truck bed Farmer Brown slammed the tailgate shut.

However, as the truck was halfway across the bridge over the river an Armadillo scurried in front of the truck and Farmer Brown, not wanting blood on his new truck, swerved to miss it, crashing through the guardrail and into the river below, a river of raging water because of the heavy rain. As the truck sank Farmer Brown swam to the safety of the bank and sat waiting for Earl. After a few minutes without seeing him rise to the surface of the water Farmer Brown, going against his very nature, jumped in the river to rescue him. Finally he located him, still in the bed of the truck, still trying to get the tailgate open, and pulled him up to the safety of the road.

After Farmer Brown performed CPR, Earl was able to sit up and quickly apologized to him because he couldn’t figure out how to open the tailgate. Farmer Brown told Uncle Earl he did the best he could and it wasn’t his fault because he slammed the tailgate shut too hard. Farmer Brown, despite his reputation, had a soft spot in his heart for my decent, well meaning, but not too bright Uncle Earl and respected his wife Martha, and didn’t have the heart to tell him all he had to do was swim straight up to safety.

9.

My Uncle Earl’s Street Sign Issue

During the mid-1970s my Uncle Earl got his driver’s license. He wouldn’t have likely passed the written test so my Uncle Eddie, his brother, took it for him. Still, thought not the smartest man in the country, Uncle Earl proved to be a good driver, good to the point he was sometimes over careful.

He also hit his late teens in the mid-1970s and the small West Texas town he grew up in wasn’t exactly the cutting edge for the trends sweeping the country, from fashion to the culture wars, and they did their best not to let such foolishness influence their lives. 

What caused Uncle Earl’s Street Sign issue was him always obeying the street signs, though there weren’t that many in his small town or even the county. But when driving around and he approached the one stop in the town that said Stop A Head he pulled over, got out of his car and looked in every direction. When he didn’t see a Head to stop anywhere around he got back in his car and started driving.

The problem to his was, with his parents, teachers and his church pastor warning him against the dangers of being around those crazy, hippy type Pot Heads always smoking pot and getting high and killing their brains, Uncle Earl didn’t want anything to do with them. And he certainly didn’t know how to stop A Heads from smoking Pot.

This concern went on for several weeks until his brother explained to him that the guy who made the sign made a mistake in the lettering. The sign was supposed to say Shot Ahead, not Stop A Head.

10.

My Uncle Earl’s Store Sign Saga

Right after getting his driver’s license and buying a cheap car my Uncle Earl went to the local auto parts store to buy two quarts of motor oil. When he got there the front parking lot was full so Earl parked in the back parking lot. While getting out of his car he noticed a sign hung up over the door that read 'Will Call'. After paying for the motor oil Uncle Earl asked Larry, the clerk being the counter, if he ever called.

“If who ever called?” wondered Larry.

“Some guy named Will. That’s what your sign above the door says.”

“Oh, that old sign? Yeah, Will called us a long time ago and I’ve been too lazy to take the sign down,” Larry assured his old highschool classmate because he didn’t want to embarrass or hurt Earl’s feelings. “But don’t tell anyone how lazy I am. Okay?”

Earl nodded a knowing nod and headed to his car.

11.

My Uncle Earl’s Yard Sale Problem

My Uncle Earl claims you just can’t please some women. Before she left for the weekend to visit her sister my Aunt Martha told my Uncle Earl to have a yard sale and sell some of the things they never use.

When she got back home she noticed the front yard, except for the sidewalk up to the porch and the driveway, were missing. When Uncle Earl told her he got a good price for all that dirt they never used she hit him with a hard left hook and knocked Uncle Earl out cold. She wasn't mad because they took the dirt. She was mad because he let them take the grass lawn about it.