The Perfect Steak (Really actually)

I wrote this 'recipe' as a birthday present for a friend after having followed it myself, so you may notice some random capitalisation and the odd bit that makes no sense.

The Perfect steak

Preparation time: an evening

What you will need:

• 1 steak, Fillet or Sirloin (Make sure it is of decent quality, with plenty of white fatty flecks and of suitable breeding, much like myself.)
• Decent rock salt
• Milk and Butter (full fat, salted. There are no diets in this kitchen)
• Sprig of fresh Rosemary
• Olive Oil (Preferably Extra Virgin, again much like myself)
• A portion of petit pois
• A whole potato
• Several bottles of red wine (not necessary for cooking but I find it helps to lubricate the whole process)

Cooking process:

The first step in any cooking process should of course be to pour yourself a glass of wine. It is vital that you do this before proceeding.

Take the steak out of its packaging and grind some rock salt onto each side of the steak as soon as you’ve taken it out of the fridge and then leave it on the side for roughly 40 minutes. No need to cover, even if your apartment is infested with flies, as maggots take a few days to fully gestate on open meat anyway.

By this stage you should have finished your first glass so I would go ahead and pour yourself a second.

On a chopping board get your potato and marvel at this root vegetable in all its diversity. This one potato could have become anything from a packet of crisps to a rudimentary painting tool for a toddler. We are going to brutally mash it to a creamy delicious paste. Cut the potato into small pieces as though making new potatoes, except you aren’t. Also you should have washed it at some point, but I’ll assume you’ve done that naturally as you aren’t an animal. Put a large pot of water on to boil and go pour yourself a third glass of wine whilst you sit and rest for about 20 minutes. After you’ve rested open up your second bottle and pour yourself your sixth or seventh glass of wine. (Please note, if you are not on your sixth or seventh glass by this stage you will be politely yet firmly asked to leave the kitchen.

Throw the potatoes into the boiling water whilst adding some salt. Some people say you should skin the potato but unless your name is Ramsey Bolton I find that this is an unnecessary cruelty, besides as we all know, fur is murder. Put a second separate pan of water on to boil and sit back and marvel at your cooking skills. Look at you, you’re finally becoming an adult. After the potatoes have boiled for 15 minutes the skins should be slightly coming off them and they don’t stick to a fork when you stab them. I find at this stage of the evening that stabbing a potato and watching it slide off a fork is surprisingly enthralling. Feel free to take some time to be enthralled. If they are not suitably enthralling then leave them for another 5 minutes then come back.

Wait another 15 minutes, pour the necessary number of glasses of wine for this period, I find 2 is usual, 3 if I’m really pushing it.

Strain the potatoes and add a small knob (heh) of butter. Mash them brutally whilst adding dashes of milk until they look like mashed potatoes are supposed to look like. I often find it is useful to imagine the face of someone you don’t like in the pan, like Donald Trump, David Cameron or Linda who played games with my heart and left me as merely a shell of the former man I was. Put Linda’s mashed face straight onto a plate and pour water into the dirty pan, dried mashed potato is like concrete. No really, it was actually used as a building material for a time, look it up, I can wait.

Now is the crux of the cooking, which is good timing as this tends to coincide with when you’ve got a good buzz going. You will need to be brave for this part so pour yourself another glass and down it in one, as though it were the final tequila shot you force yourself to drink to build up the courage to go dance with that person that's been eyeing you up all night you saucy devil.

Get out a nice big frying pan and pour a little oil into it. Turn the heat onto full and wait until the oil runs freely, as if it were water. Prepare your portion of peas and steal yourself. The moment has come.

Throw that steak on there and marvel as a column of steam and sizzling fat erupts from the pan and spits out in all directions, simultaneously blinding you and melting the skin right off your upper body. I usually do this part topless in order to establish dominance.

Whilst braving the storm of hot fat hailing down upon you throw the peas into the boiling pan we put on earlier. Remember that pan? You thought I had forgotten it in my excitement didn’t you?

After the steak has been cooking for 30 seconds you will want to get in there and flip it. This may seem akin to entering Dante’s seventh level of hell as the fat and oil rains down on you from seemingly impossible angles but I can assure you that with enough wine in you, you can manage. 

Another 30 seconds will pass and the sizzling will have died. If you like your steak bloody and rare this is when you should take it off. If you are a sub-human and prefer it a little more cooked then turn the heat down a little and let it cook for another minute on each side. If you like your steak anything more than a medium then cook for a longer time. I’m unclear on exact timings beyond medium as I would rather boil my genitals than do that to a decent piece of meat.

Take the steak off the frying pan and leave it to rest for around ten minutes. Strain the peas from the saucepan and place them on your plate. Now look at your plate and think to yourself ‘It looks delicious, but not quite pretentious enough’ and then artistically, but ultimately uselessly place your sprig of Rosemary on top of the steak. Instagram as needed.

Open yourself up your third bottle of wine and liberally apply Savlon to any and all burns you will have received, congratulations, you’ve just cooked yourself the perfect steak, pat yourself on the back and pass out triumphantly into your mashed potato.

Author's Note

This is obviously meant as something silly and entertaining rather than a serious recipe, I hope you enjoy it, please let me know how you would improve this recipe, and which would be your drink of choice to accompany it?

Reviews

[MichaelJHyde]

Fantastic recipe! You may consider a revision where a 'tenderizing' step is introduced before the actual cooking, but after the third glass of wine... This part involves bashing the hapless slab of cow into submission with a medium sized hammer like a Viking warrior, then howling your victory to the Gods while stripping your shirt (might help with the next step, where your bathed in boiling fat)... Should it be a Friday, one might replace the Wine with straight Scotch. But that's just me. Thanks for an entertaining article.