The Angel She Was

She was the girl that everyone could count on. She would always show up for the plans she made, she would always make an extra effort to get smiles on every face, whether they were direct friends of hers or not. She was the girl that was always there.

She wouldn’t do it just because she felt bad for you either, but more because she actually cared about how you felt. And the opinions you carried around with you. But she was also the girl that everyone avoided at some point. She was loud to the point of being in your face. She was sarcastic to the point that real conversation was pointless. And she was constantly smiling so bright, the kind that you don’t want to see when you aren’t feeling in the same tip top shape.

Sometimes you would feel bad because you didn’t invite her to the kick around in the park in the weekend, or to the shopping spree after school, but you would just shove that under the rug. She wasn’t the type of person to care about being left out every once in a while. Or maybe she just didn’t show that she cared.

While she was making you smile at school because something went wrong in your life, she was hiding the fact that she was barely keeping afloat of her own problems. While she was shrugging off the fact that you forgot to invite her out, she was also taking count of how many invitations that never seemed to make into her inbox. Or show that her loud boisterous laughter was taking place of the tears that were so desperate to fall.

Every day it was something new, someone different, something to keep her mind from dwelling on the unfair cards life had given her. Complimenting the new shirt you got yesterday that nobody else seemed to notice, asking you what occupied your mind when you weren’t busy listening to the interest of someone else, encouraging you to finally tell someone how your day went smoothly yesterday.

That new guy you are seeing, she cares about how that goes. You know that and you begin to take advantage of that. The plans you are making to go overseas next year with another close friend of hers, she knows and is interested in that too. Every aspect of your life means something to her, but when you come to think of it, you don’t know enough about her life for it to mean anything to you.

Did you notice that she wasn’t at school yesterday? The lack of compliments and questions asked directly to you was the only thing you seemed to miss but you couldn’t grasp why. She won’t say anything, and she knows nobody will ask because nobody actually realized. It’s something she counts on.'

Her smile was a little different today, your subconscious saw that but it wasn’t important enough for it to linger for more than a moment in your memory. You were so wrapped up in your own little world, and your own minor problems that you couldn’t see the cracks appearing in her facade. But don’t worry because nobody else saw them either.

You tell her to grow up when she makes those stupid jokes that you all left behind in primary school. You tell her to grow up when she laughs a little too loud at a joke you don’t find funny. You tell her to grow up when she asks you questions that you don’t feel like responding too. That’s the first time she doesn’t reply with a stupid quip. Finally, you can breathe a sigh of relief, the girl has learnt to shut up.

The other girls around you keep walking with you, not one single person noticing that she has stopped trying to keep up with you. Nobody misses her, and you don’t even feel bad about it. But when someone asks you who she is, you stop and think because you don’t even know what to say. Is she your friend? Can you call her your friend when you don’t know a single thing about her because you didn’t care to ask?

Can you call her your friend when you have stopped bothering to ask if she wants to meet up out of school hours because you no longer like her company? Can you call her your friend when you know she doesn’t mean anything to you? Can you call her your friend just because she considered you a friend? What about when they ask you where she hangs out? Or what she is like? What do you say then?

You shrug and dodge the judgmental look on their face. You know you have done wrong but you aren’t going to go and do anything about it. If they knew her they would understand. That’s what you tell yourself.

She is there again on Monday, on the outskirts of you and the girls. Her laugh is a little quieter today, but her heart keeps prodding information out from you, asking about your weekend. She won’t ever stop caring about you because she knows what it is like to be forgotten about. She doesn’t blame you. She knows you have other things to deal with. She won’t blame you, and you know that too.

Your mind begins to soak up all the information you have been ignoring over the past few years. She has deep bags under her eyes, the same eyes that carry a troubled look hiding under the facade of a smile. The way the top that used to look so good on her, sits baggy on her frame. You don’t know why you are suddenly paying attention to her, maybe it’s because you know you should take one last look before she leaves.

For the first time, everyone in the group is looking at you for guidance. She was your friend as a little girl, and you were hers right until the day you weren’t. Could anyone say why she stood up from the grass with so much as a ‘I have to go’. Her shoulders are tight and her chin is wobbling but she won’t let anyone see her so weak, she won’t let anyone see the tears that have been claiming space in her face every night because she knows people won’t truly care.

She will be just another girl asking for attention in the halls of school. Just another girl who doesn’t get enough time in the spotlight. The second her tears are seen; judgement and titles will be placed above her head and that will be that. No one will care enough to follow her and ask if she is okay. No one will follow her and ask if she wants to talk about it. No one will even spare her a moment’s thought because as soon as her attention is gone from their lives, they don’t have need for her anymore.

How are you going to understand what she is going through if you don’t know the way her mind works? The way she tells herself that she doesn’t need anyone to care about her because she cares about all of you and that is enough. The way she loses sleep going over everything she is doing wrong, the way she cares so deeply about people, the way she loves to put a smile on someone’s face because it means maybe all her tears are worth it.

Maybe all the tears that fall at night are all for a reason. Maybe the fact that her parents don’t have time for her because they have their own lives to get on with. She doesn’t need people to ask about her own day because it’s not like she would have anything positive to say anyway. Why should she bring people down when she can brighten their day by simply paying attention?

But did you see the way that her heart broke when you turned your back again? Did you see the way her shoulders dropped when she realized that it wasn’t worth it? She has finally realized that breaking her own heart every day just to see you smile for a moment wasn’t ever going to make her feel better. Maybe it was worth it when you were both friends with each other, but she can see the way you disregard her as nothing but another mindless person in a sea of societal followers.

She can see you rolling your eyes and the look on your face when she makes a comment. She hears the things you say to your friends because she is sitting right there. Did you forget she was there for a minute because she isn’t constantly happy anymore? Did you forget that she has things to say because she can’t find the energy to put that smile on her face and that joy in her eyes?

What are you going to say when they ask you, ‘why didn’t you help her?’ Your flimsy excuses are no longer going to stand up because suddenly everyone will know. You were a terrible friend to her. She just needed someone to stand by her as she fought against the demons you know nothing about. She just wanted someone to be by her side, trying to make her smile on a bad day. But you never got the message.

You can tell yourself that she should have spoken a little louder, that she should have actually asked for some help, you can tell yourself whatever makes you feel better but nothing will change the facts. You couldn’t care about her enough to see how many times she asked you for help. What about that time she called you crying on the phone? Do you remember that? The way you just told her you were busy and maybe she could ring back later.

She didn’t call back later though. She couldn’t. She couldn’t ask you anymore because you just kept turning your back on her. Her heart couldn’t take anymore rejection, she couldn’t take another of your dismissal comments. She wrote you that letter because she didn’t want you to feel bad, she didn’t want you to blame yourself because she knew how hurtful that could be. How her problems shouldn’t have been brought to your attentions anyway, you didn’t need that. Not when you were still smarting that you were losing your friends that you made in high school.

Can you remember what her letter said? Or the last conversation you had? I bet her words don’t leave your mind anymore. And to think you couldn’t care less about her only last week. Now her words are going over and over in your mind. Her apologies to you for not being strong enough, for being weak enough that she had to come and see you one last time. You were her one friend she thought, the one friend she wanted to be able to count on.

You were there when her brother died. You were there for his funeral, and for the next couple of weeks when she struggled to accept that Brendan was gone. Then high school came along and you found better friends, friends that didn’t have luggage like she did.

But don’t you see that she didn’t ask for that luggage she was given? She didn’t even ask for a hand in carrying it, she didn’t need to talk about it, she just wanted to know that she had a friend in you. That’s all she asked of you. But that was too much for you. You couldn’t spare a little of your time, of your precious time for her. That doesn’t make it your fault. But you did have a hand in this.

You weren’t to know I suppose. I want to blame you because she needed you and you weren’t there, but she wouldn’t want that. She would tell me that you have your own life to live. That you shouldn’t suffer the same way she did. But does that mean she died for no reason? She died alone because she couldn’t handle this hell she was living in, and it’s not going to mean a damn thing.

You might cry for a while but you are going to move on. You will find new friends and before long you won’t even remember her name. But she had so much potential. She had dreams just like you and me, she wanted to do so much with her life and now she can’t do anything. She pulled the trigger on her own life because she was suffocating. She wanted to scream so loud, to tell you all how much you hurt her, to tell you how you had taken so much away from her.

But all that came out were the silent sobs she had held in for so long. Everything in her broke and she just sat there crying, waiting for someone to give a damn. Her cries went unheard. Her pleading for a new start, for just one more chance to prove herself worthy of living, it all lingered in the air for a moment before falling into the deep abyss of her depression. She tried so hard to pull herself over that ledge.

She wanted nothing more than to continue living but the knowledge that nobody would be standing there beside her in the new dawn just kept pulling her down. You can imagine after fighting that for years, it too would wear you down. That’s what happened. It just wore her down. She couldn’t take it anymore. The silence waiting for her to come home, to attack her when she was at her weakest until she could no longer pull herself over the line.

We like to imagine that when someone dies, they go to a better place. That they get to smile again, they get to live and let everything they carried down here, they get to let that go. Dipping their toes in the clear oceans like in the Caribbean, trailing their hands through the golden sands and just being completely free. I hope that too. I hope she gets to smile like she always wanted. I hope she gets to be free and forget everything about her suffering. I hope that she gets to be free.

 

Author's Note

I was listening to sad songs again and kind of wrote this... sad thing