Searching for a Purpose

I had a thought, which developed into a dream, and then my fingers started typing. And then this happened.

It was silent. The scary kind of silent. The kind that you can hear your thoughts starting, ending, and being stored away for future use. The kind where you can hear your heart beating, even when you wanted it to stop, and the blood rushing around your body. And it wasn’t comfortable. Not when there were four people staring at her, mouths open, minds swirling.

It had been all over the news. Family slain, one survivor. Millar sat in the bed, scowling, her hands tightly wrapped in restraints. This was the last thing she wanted. An intervention. Actually, it was the second to last thing she wanted. The last thing on earth she wanted, was to be alive. And yet, here she was. Living a nightmare.

Her aunt and uncle sat across from her, with a lawyer and a police officer. They were just waiting for her doctor, who would inform them of her many death wishes, and ask them what they would like to do next. The police officer was just here to document her condition, the case was very much still open, and anything and everything Millar said, did or remembered, was very important. So far, she had just cried, asked to die, and given useless information.

She didn’t remember much about her killers. Apart from the fact that they ruined her life. She knew they were tall, were wearing black masks, and were very quick and strong. They had snapped her fathers neck first, to show that they meant business. Millar could remember the life dissipating from her father’s eyes, until they were nothing but glass and ice.

‘Right. Millar, do I have permission to talk to your family about your case, your requests and any further tests or transfers?’ Doctor Addington shut the door quietly behind him, and waited for the answer he wasn’t sure he would get.

‘My family is dead’ Millar stared at the wall, her voice cold and quiet.

‘We are your family Millar, your parents wanted us to look after you if anything happened. We are here to love you’

‘My parents are dead. What they want is now jack s**t. I don’t want you or your living family’ Millar refused to see the hurt and rejection in her aunts eyes, the same aunt she had loved for the past 20 years of her life.

Doctor Addington went on to talk to her relatives about her case, and Millar couldn’t care less what he said or didn’t say. She just wished she could be 6 feet under with the rest of her family. And she would be soon, if the doctors just left her alone, and unrestrained for long enough. She would pass from this ungodly place of earth and head into the nothingness she was sure lay beyond this.

‘Millar has repeatedly tried to take her life, and we have no doubt she will try again if given the chance. If need be, we will have to sedate her and transfer her to the psych ward where she will be help under a 72 hour hold to keep her alive. We need your opinion, and if you have anything to recommend we will willingly listen and try do our best to accommodate your wishes’

‘We want her released into our custody. We have a godly home, and once she gets there she will remember everything he stands for. And he will be able to help her heal’ Her uncle, Reggie, spoke. His tone was fact and final, he wanted Millar home where his family could look after her.

Doctor Arlington tried to reason with the couple, showing all the facts and information proving that Millar was unfit to be released from the hospital. Eventually he put his foot down and stated that Millar was a legal adult, and even if she wanted to leave, she wasn’t going to be released. And if they had a problem, then the police would be involved. As she was the prime witness after all.

Millar closed her eyes and sunk down into the pathetic pillows, falling into the deep dark that kept calling her name. She remembered everything about her parents, their faces, the tones of their voices, their favourite things to do, everything. It was overwhelming because it was all she could think about.

The days they had together at the lake, when they went camping at the beach, when they fought like every family does, everything. She could remember everything. And she missed them so much. But there was only very little she could remember about that awful day. The surprise when they burst into the house, the shock and then the fear.

It was the fear that she remembered the most. Running through her body and capturing her mind. It had twisted her stomach into knots and she could already feel a headache headed her way. She had been thrown onto the couch along with her mother and brothers. Her father had been forced onto his knees as the men talked amongst each other. And the last things she could recall was how each of them was killed. Each one of them.

Their dogs had been killed, a bullet to each head as the men were leaving, just to make it a little bit worse. The police had arrived ten minutes after the men left, finding Millar screaming and sobbing on the kitchen floor. She herself was physically unharmed, but the men had wormed themselves into every inch of her brain. And she was gone.

They had also found the bottles of pills lying empty around the house. That was the first sign of her deterioration, she claimed she had wanted to slip into the empty nothingness peacefully, to be with her family. She had later added that she knew it was a mistake, and she wished she could go back and change it all. But by change she meant by shooting herself so it would be instantaneous and she wouldn’t be forced to stay in the limbo of earth and hate. Ever since then she hadn’t been left alone, not even for a minute.

Until she was assigned a rookie nurse. And that wasn’t going to happen again. Millar kept cursing and promising herself that next time, next time she would get it right. Next time she would succeed in killing herself.

‘Stop it Millar! You have to take your pills!’ Nurse Jackie was getting fed up with the angry patient, who would throw her pills across the room every day.

‘I don’t want them. I want to die. But I guess we don’t all get what we want do we?’ Millar spat at her older nurse, hatred coursing through her veins. If she were in her right mind, she would feel so guilty about the way she was acting, but she wasn’t. She was depressed and suicidal. So she didn’t care about anything but her own wishes.

‘You will keep living by our terms until you find a reason to live, you hear me? Now take these god damned pills or I swear-‘

‘You what Nurse?’ One of Millar’s police guards stepped into the room and stared at the nurse with a twinkle in his eye.  ‘You need me to hold her arms down while you feed her those pills?’ Millar sneered at the young man, trying to lean as far away as she could get from him.

He held his hands up in surrender and backed slowly out of the room. Sometimes it would slip his mind that he, being a male, would get Millar tense and terrified. He was told not to go in the room unless she needed her life saving, or the doc asked him to enter. And neither of those situation were present.

‘He wasn’t going to hurt you Millar’ The nurse watched with a kind smile but wary eyes, she had been with this girl for the entire week she had been staying here, and she reacted this way every single time a male came into the room. And Jackie didn’t blame her, she knew she would feel the same way if she were put in Millar’s situation. And she tried to remember that whenever the girl would get on her nerves.

‘No. He already has by forcing me to live’

Millar couldn’t stand the sight of men, it only brought flashbacks of that night, to the men in black standing over her. Laughing, and killing her family. Her hands drew into tight clenched fists and her jaw locked itself together. Her eyes were beginning to water and her air ways were closing. Laughter was ringing in her ears, as were the screams she had screamed.

Their hands closed tighter on her arms, their intentions very clear. She was stuck on the ground, her legs forced open and she was stripped of everything she had ever been. It had lasted for what felt like hours, ruining the girl she was, killing her in their own way,

Their words taunting her, growing colder with each of her tears. Killing of her family members because they, themselves, were angry with the world. Taking their anger out on what looked like the perfect family from the outside. Ripping their reputation to shreds and ruining every chance Millar ever had of being a complete and successful woman.

Her heart monitor started beeping off the wall, bringing Millar’s state to the attention of Jackie and the police guards. Her fists no longer tight nor clenched, her face slack but her memory still replaying over and over. Their voices falling on deaf ears, and their actions barely taking hold. A code was installed and more hands rushed to help.

Machines were brought in and medicines were hauled along by the dozen. Millar couldn’t feel the multiple pairs of cold hands lowering her body, stripping the gown and attaching pads to her chest in order to save her life. She couldn’t hear the charging of machines and she definitely couldn’t hear the medical staff instructing her to come back to them, to choose to live. But then, she was told often that she had selective hearing.

 

Author's Note

I'll never share more than a first chapter on here in the future because I simply am sharing to see what people think of the start. Not to let others take from my ideas and make their own as happened in past, on a different site however. But please, don't hesitate to let me know what you think :)