No Regrets

To tell someone the truth and then expect them to have a minimalistic reaction is beyond stupid. Especially when you have been hiding the truth for the past few years.

That is why we were sitting here in silence. No eye contact and no words shared. Just silence. I should have been able to hold my tongue, like I used to. I should have been able to control the rage and the fear, but I didn’t. I didn’t, and now we sit here not knowing what to say.

There was nothing around us, no movements, no echoing sounds. Just silence. I wanted to disrupt this unnerving nothingness, but I was the one that caused it which means, I didn’t have the right to call our truce. That was up to him. His decision.

“So, this is who you really are” His voice, deep and hurt, sounded strange in the silence. Never has it been so… hurt, upset, annoyed and angry at me. Never.

“This is who I am” I said. A statement, an emotionless statement. What else was I meant to say?

“I don’t even know who you are anymore”

“And now you don’t want to know me. Why do you think I didn’t say anything in the first place??” I lifted me head and glared at him, my fears becoming apparently clear.

“Don’t! You do not get to put the blame on me here!” He towered over me, he always had but never had I feared what he could do.

I felt the lonely tear fall down my clammy cheeks, and I wasn’t in a rush to wipe it away. If it could help him forgive me, then I would embrace these feelings within me.

“You… I fell in love with the girl I thought you were. Who are you Jess? Who are you?” His hands fell flat against the desk momentarily. His anger got the best of him, and he shoved the desk to the other side of the room, and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“I am still her! You have just… you’ve just reached another layer! I am still the same Jessie!” My voice was breaking, and I could feel the tidal wave running for the break layer.

My despair and need for his forgiveness was ruining me, because I knew it would be this show that would end everything, once and for all. But that wasn’t what I wanted. Or needed. But I brought this upon myself.

“You aren’t her Jessie… My Jessie was honest, and loving… She put her everything into what she loved, and she helped whenever she could. My Jessie told me everything, she never kept a secret… You aren’t my Jessie”

“Would you have loved me if you knew I was sick? Would you have loved me if you knew I hated my mind? Would you have given me the time of the day if you knew I wanted to end everything I ever knew? I don’t think so! So, I hid that dark part of me, and decided to show you only a part of me, a part that I was proud of. Because… I was in love with you before you even knew I existed” He turned his back to me, not wanting to see the tears on my face, and the scars on my shoulders.

“I might not have loved you… But I would have known that you were yourself, and maybe we wouldn’t be here. Both hurt. Because you lied. And I don’t know what to do Jess! I want to leave but then I’m scared you won’t be able to handle it anymore. And I want to stay because I love you beyond compare, but I’m scared that I will lose myself in this. I don’t know what to do!” His knees dropped to the ground and he rocked forward.

I could feel the heartbreak in his cry, and the love in his confusion. But I could also feel the unmeasurable pain that I had brought down upon his shoulders. The tension in the room was palpable, it was nearly as strong as the pain resonating from the hills.

He turned to face me and although impossible, I swear I heard my heart break into a thousand pieces. With a chin still wobbling, and the tears nearly running more than my own, he looked me in the eye.

“This isn’t fair Jess. You’re in the hospital, attached to 100 freaking tubes, and I feel so selfish and so worthless because you lied to me… and I hate you for that. But then that makes me the bad person! I’m not the bad person here Jess!” I looked down at the tubes going into my arms to avoid seeing the consequences to my actions.

“I don’t know what to do Jess… I love you, I do, but I just don’t get it. Why didn’t you tell me?” He pleaded with me.

It wasn’t just his words that broke my heart over and over. It was the way he was trying to see it from my point of view, it was the way he was trying to salvage something from the destruction by my own hand. His actions made me feel stupid, petty, childish, but most of all, it made me feel selfish.

“I didn’t know how to say anything without ruining everything. Clearly, I didn’t gain that insight within our 8 month adventures… I mean… If I said to you after 2 weeks of dating, ‘hey, I have cancer, oh and its terminal’ you think we would have been to the places we did? Done the things we did? I… I feared losing you when I’d only just got you.” My voice was shaky.

That was the second time I had said her condition aloud to Kane. The first time was earlier today, when I screamed it at him. It wasn’t like I could keep it a secret much longer, not when I had collapsed in the middle of their kitchen for the third time that week. I tried, I really had. But then out it flew, the truth. Cold hard reality out in the open.

“But you lost me anyway Jess. Or rather, I lose you. Because we only have a few days left. And then I have to clean up this mess. You have hurt so many people with this, and you don’t even have to deal with those consequences. Did you even stop to think how we would feel once this was all over??”

“I… If I had thought about everyone else I wouldn’t have had the time or energy to live these last few months to their complete potential. I had the right! I had the right to be selfish! I had the right to enjoy my life! I had the right to keep people in the dark if it means their view about me didn’t change! I had the god damned right to be selfish for once!!” I screamed at him. This pressure was beginning to get to me, guilt was overtaking everything in me.

This is what I was trying to avoid. I didn’t want to feel guilty for living, for being me while I still could. I didn’t want people to judge me, not while I was still alive. But as luck would have it, things never go my way. Because I have cancer. And the love of my life is questioning me and everything we have ever had.

“You told me we had a future! We talked about kids, travel plans, a wedding! You let me think all of things were possible!”

“I let you be happy! I let you imagine the future because it was something that made you smile. You wanted kids, you wanted a wedding, a house, you wanted it all! I wanted that too Kane! But I couldn’t. I can’t! But why should my misery, my impending death, ruin your life too? Why should you have to live in constant anxiety, wondering if I was going to be alive when you wake up the next morning?? Why? Why should I do that to you? Because I love you. And I had your best interests at heart, so stop! Stop doing this! I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for this. So please Kane, please… just stop” All the anger dissipated from my pathetic heart. I couldn’t do this anymore.

I could feel the energy slipping through my fingers, like someone was holding a vacuum and sucking it all away. Was this how it was going to go? In anger and frustration? With nobody knowing. That was my consequence. I didn’t know how people felt, I didn’t know their last words to me because I had been so selfish. Sure, I tried to protect them, but I stole this moment from them. And that wasn’t right.

“I’m sorry Kane, I’m so so sorry” my voice was weak, quiet and weak.

The more I tried to cry out, the further I fell from reality. Kane was slipping away from me, the booming silence leaving me be, until all I was left with was the sound of my heart. Beating pathetically. Trying to keep me alive.

I think the last thing I heard were his words. The words that he would question for the next while, the words that no-one would know if I heard or not. The words that knew that it would be okay, I would be okay, and although my last moments weren’t the best… I had lived to my fullest potential. And I couldn’t regret that.

Reviews

[Winslow Des Totes]

Wow! POV in this piece is so freaking on point I can barely contain myself! Just wow! This is such a powerful piece and the subject matter too was very striking but relatable enough that I honestly could see myself in her shoes feeling my last days upon me and wanting to hold onto some semblance of normalcy before the end came rushing in around me to swallow me up. Just wow; I'm favoriting so I can read this again! Great write!

[WillaDanvers]

Thank you so much :D

[Geodan]

Thank you for entering my contest. This was a heartbreaking and relatable piece. The writing is great. Congratulations!

[Andrew Leister-Frazier]

These kind of stories really get to me. I enjoyed this piece. It made me sad and tingly.

[WillaDanvers]

Thank you Andrew :)

[Hebe]

A complete story in one chapter.... you have so much emotion packed in this short story, incredibly sad ... but also poses a very important question... what would one do if placed in this situation? ... well done, great writing!

[WillaDanvers]

Thank you so much :)