Not our time

I didn’t realise that today would be the last. I didn’t realise that when I would get home that evening, I would break. I didn’t realise that today would be the last.

But it was the last. There would be no more. That was our last day. I would have more, he won’t. That was out last day.

I could feel something was wrong as the door swung open. The room ice cold, the house silent. Something was terribly wrong.

My feet wouldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, my heart was freaking out. Something was wrong but I don’t know what.

I called out his name, I called it out multiple times. I still couldn’t move. No reply. He wasn’t here. So was that what was wrong, he just wasn’t here? My heart sighed in relief, but the cold air wouldn’t diminish and leave me be.

Everything was moving slow motion. That’s when I began to realise. It was the last day. My last moments had passed. And now I was here alone.

My legs lead like and heavy, my brain filled with fog, my heart a gazelle in the wild. My hand came to rest on the banister leading up to the second floor. I called out his name again. And yet he didn’t respond.

I had to convince myself to take the stairs, I had to force myself up those stairs. I had to.

I stood on the second to last step for what seemed like years. It was colder up here. Foreign. Wrong. I thought back to our encounter this morning. I had hugged him goodbye. I shouldn’t have gone to work today.

I closed my eyes and took the last step slowly. I used my instincts to navigate myself to our room. I stood in our doorway but I couldn’t open my eyes. It was silent. Where was he?

Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Open.

That was the end. My moments were up. Heart shattered, air gone, it was wrong. Too soon. Way too soon.

I stared, I didn’t move, I couldn’t move. I could see his face. It was so beautiful. He was so beautiful. My legs crumbled and I fell to the hard wood floor, my body shook upon impact with the ground. My eyes wide open, my brain still trying to understand what was happening.

My lungs wouldn’t work. My heart was still. My brain racing a million miles a minute. This was it.

And then my lungs started again. My heart thumped, cried, shattered. My vision was clouded with salty tear drops. It wasn’t real. It’s not real. I need to wake up. Why am I not waking up? It’s time to wake up. IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!

I screamed. I wasn’t waking up. My chest throbbed painfully, my face slick with tears. I couldn’t move. Sobs threw themselves out of my body. I curled my knees into my chest to try and ease the pain. It didn’t help.

I slammed my fist onto the ground to try and ground myself. Wake up Jane. It’s time to wake up now.

I raised my head and reached my hand out to touch his. Cold. This was real. This can’t be real. I’m so confused.

Oh. God. This is real.

The air was sucked from the room, leaving me gasping for air where there was none. The silence was overwhelming. Memories tumbled towards me.

Him laughing. Him crying. Him yelling. Him apologizing. Us hugging. Us having fun. Our love story.

The end of our love story. It ended wrong. I wasn’t ready. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Why can’t I go back in time? Why didn’t I know something was wrong this morning? WHY!?

I pulled a phone to my ear and dialled the emergency number. I could barely speak. This was useless.

‘How can I help’

‘He killed himself’

‘Who killed himself’

‘He … he’s gone’

‘miss… talk to me. Where are you’

‘I didn’t know… Why didn’t I know!?’

‘how did he go’

‘Gun. Gun. He used my gun’

‘what is your address’

The phone slipped from my hand as I clutched my chest in pain. I screamed in attempt to loosen to tight rampaging heartache. It didn’t work so I tried again.

My hands dug into my chest, dug into skin and drew blood. And yet it still didn’t help. It didn’t help.

‘no… no… no… no… he’s so cold’ my teeth chattered. It was cold. I was cold. He was cold.

A voice could barely be heard through the phone, not over the screaming in my mind. I tried to inhale, to calm to raging anxiety. To calm the angry thoughts. The hateful thoughts. But I couldn’t. It was too much. Is this how he felt?

Is this how he felt this morning? Why didn’t he say something? Why didn’t he talk to me?

‘we have to track this address. Emergency. Now!’

I cried out in pain, I cried out for help. The tears got stuck in my throat, I was choking. My body sprawled on the cold ground. His on the bed. Is this how it was all going to end? Was this the end? Is this how we are going to be found?

Death by heart attack. Death by grief. He killed himself. He killed me.

The tears stopped. My panic stopped. It all stopped. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything. I stared at the ceiling. I miss him. I need his arms around me. I need him to be here with me. But he’s there. He’s on the other side. Why did he have to go?

It started again. The tears, the pain, the overwhelming sense of everything. Why won’t it stop? Why can’t I wake up!

Wake up Jane! Wake up!

Please…. Please let me wake up from this. God I need to wake up from this. It was silent.

I was the only noise in the silence. The wind was still, the animals were gone, it was just me, me and him.

My eyes rested upon the gun. It lay on the floor, where it fell from his now cold, limp hand. It was so close. Could I reach it if I tried? Could I just slip away and pass with him?

I closed my eyes and held my breath. It didn’t hurt that much. Not compared to losing him. I felt my heart jump. Boom. Just once.

Then it lay still, like him.

Boom. Again. Just rest and be peaceful my dear heart, it will all be over soon. It will all be okay soon.

Boom.

Silence.

Boom.

Silence.

‘Time of death. 18.26’

I didn’t realise that today would be the last.