'Saving Ryans Privates'

Ryan is summoned by the Supreme Commander for another tour of Duty-will he survive?

SAVING RYAN’S PRIVATES

“We’re Going Shopping”

Just three words, but they fill me with fear every time. I can imagine what it must have been like in the trenches when the Captain cried “over the top boys” before their leap of faith into the abyss of war. You might have survived your last run across no man’s land but will you live through this one?

“Get your coat Ryan” are the initial orders from her, the Supreme Commander “I need a new outfit for Linda’s wedding and I thought we’d get some groceries while were out, I’ll be ready in fifteen minutes”.

Already my nerves are tingling with dread as my mind drifts off recalling my last tour of duty in the battle of Mall, code name Christmas shopping. It was during this conflict that I sustained my worst ever war wound �" a ruptured wallet, it took me weeks to recover.

During the course of one skirmish I happened across a propaganda leaflet offering Sanctuary to those men who wished to defect and become a conscientious objector. For a moment I considered my options as I read the print �" A burger and a beer only $3.99 at Delaney’s bar accompanied by this flyer. I felt tortured in my guilt of loyalty and my yearning to be free, but before I could choose a bombardment of three ladies laid down with bags sent me reeling. I didn’t stand a chance, the middle missile a woman in her thirties caught me square in the groin with her Walmart bag, shrapnel in the form of make up bottles spewed onto the ground, followed by a choking gas called Channel No. 5, on of the deadliest known to man, it’ll knock you out from ten feet away.

Thankfully I survived that incursion; only just however the coordinates to Delaney’s safe house were lost in the melee.

Dazed and overcome with the stench of cheap perfume burning by nostrils I pulled myself together and struggled to my feet, hoping for some sort of compassion from my Supreme Commander but alas she was not to be found. I assume she took shelter in a nearby fox hole to avoid any fall out from the other two unexploded missiles that were now giving off a distinctive wailing sound, similar to two cats fighting on a back yard fence. In my bemused state it came across as a jumble of profanities obviously a side effect of inhaling the Channel No. 5 gas.

Eventually the wailing subsided as the three rockets careered off into the night still laden down with their heavy payloads ready to inflict more pain on some other poor unsuspecting foot soldier.

The conflict in respite the Supreme Commander emerged from her refuge and proceeded to debrief me for information regarding the collision. Still somewhat dazed I could only stand and stammer undecipherable words and meaningless gestures in my defence �" to the effect this only compounded the situation and left her frustrated “pull yourself together Ryan” she commanded “your embarrassing me, now stand there and don’t move I’ll be back in five minutes”.

I watched nervously as she disappeared back into another bolt hole, with only my credit card for protection, alone and vulnerable I malingered outside, like a sentenced prisoner waiting on a dawn execution for desertion. Then without warning I was captured by the enemy.

Two ladies dressed in black uniforms surrounded me, in seconds I was dragged away to their bunker for interrogation, once inside they immediately began their grilling. Hideous creatures, no doubt the result of some evil experiment, both had bottle blonde hair, orange skin and intense white teeth. They spoke in unison with a high pitched idiom a strange alien accent “wud you loike to try our new loine of cheesy crackers” they oozed, never once breaking their piano key smiles “only fhree calories in each”. The torture continued relentlessly for 5 minutes, and then I broke.

Never before in the line of duty has one man had to endure the endless water torture that was the Promotion’s Girl, I had seen them once before in a previous divergence, where they pounced from the shadows and captured a fellow combatant. He was never seen again.

Now here I was in the belly of the beast forced to swallow their latest poisonous concoction, at first there was little sensation, no sudden recoil, no feeling of nausea, no uncontrollable gagging. But my false sense of security they had lulled me into was short lived, it was obvious that the nibble was on time delay. My taste buds were subjected to the most unspeakable torture; it felt like I had just taken a bite of the Gobi desert complete with thorny cactus and stagnant water hole. My entire mouth dried up like an ancient parchment. “Aoint that nice ” one creature perused while the other continued her hypnotising smile “wud you loike an oover?” the first creature cooed, all I could do was shake my head and wish for a quick end.

Before passing out I heard the sound of my saviour in the distance, it was her, the Supreme Commander to my rescue. With a single swipe of her loaded tongue she blew the P.G.’s to pieces, “leave him alone, he’s with me!” she rattled off from the hip in a thunderous burst, simultaneously dragging me by the collar to freedom.

“Sometimes Ryan you annoy the hell outta me” she screamed in frustration “didn’t I tell you not to move”. I think it was the heat of the moment and the adrenalin kicking in that caused this out of character outburst, either way I was relieved I was still alive. An hour later we found ourselves outside the notorious torture camp known as JCPenney's. “We need some supplies” she whispered “follow me and keep close”. By now I was in a total state of shell shock, we had overcome the salvo of charity workers who prey on the innocent then stick labels on them so all will know who they are, if you do not donate you re attacked at every opportunity until you succumb and receive your passport to the exit of liberty.

We had scaled the mountain of women’s underwear in the search for the allusive size 8, a being that brainwashes every female into thinking they are something that they are not, but doesn’t really exist. It warps their minds making them dig endlessly in the two for one wilderness of satin knickers ware mounds, once again it eluded us. We soldiered on through the water logged trenches of Mall Stores stores occasionally stopping to peruse over the scattered remains of the latest sale’s strewn garments of long past fashions huddled together in dark corners, prisoners of a bloody price war each bearing the mark of discount.

JCPenney's was our final assault, an encounter too monstrous to describe, many a man had fallen on the beaches of Sak's and Sears, but this place would stretch anyone’s courage to the limit. A place talked about in every free thinking male saloon and card school, it made grown men cry with fear, tipped sane men over the edge. Once inside there was no escape, you are destined to walk the aisles for eternity searching for the Mythical Beast called ‘Buy One Get One Free’. I couldn’t do it, cowardice reared its ugly head, and she went in alone.

Once again I was being asked to follow where she lead, over the top, once more into the breech would be the rallying cry. I needed an escape plan; I needed saved from this tour of duty.

Then it happened, a communiqué filtered down from headquarters I could hear the muffled voices emanating from the war room, agreements then laughter, the sound of feet on the staircase. I was in full fetter, the door opened slowly and the Supreme Commander entered decked out in her finest battle attire, complete with war paint. Ready for the ensuing arraign “Mom just called, you don’t have to go I’m meeting her at the Mall” the feeling of euphoria raced through my body at the deliverance of these words.

“Don’t forget to make dinner, I’ll be back at six” she ordered.

I’d beaten the draft, no call up papers for me this time, no sir, me thinks I’ve lived to fight another day.

Will Neill 2013 ' Dedicated to all the brave men lost in the shopping trip war's over the years.

Author's Note

Please ignore any mistakes, this is purely for fun , I just got fed up writing all the serious stuff.

Reviews

[Woody]

a delightful read, Will. I had a good laugh with this. You should write more like these.
Great humour, my friend but not surprising, after all. You're Irish, aren't you?

[Will Neill]

A few changes were made for my American friends from the original, but it works just as well.
Many Thanks for taking the time to read my work Engluva.
Take care
Will

[Woody]

my pleasure entirely.

[Shane Mohamed]

Lol, buddy this is hilarious! I have not entered the world of marriage yet, but I am quite familiar with what you are talking about. I've heard a comedian say it before: "men go 'shopping,' but women go ' shoooooooooooooopping.'" I understand your agony. The title was hilarious; It hinted toward the dramatic film of "Saving Private Ryan," but had a very comic outlook. His daughter literally saved his "balls" toward the end. You've captured a piece of the American culture. I would give the accent of the women a review, because I wasn't sure what region it belonged too. It needs some thorough proof reading, but otherwise, outstanding read for me. Thank you Will.

[Will Neill]

Thanks Shane,it was just a bit of fun.
Will

[Vikrantsingh]

Well - Will I loved it, Similarly this was different from your other stories but yes great work.
Picture is funny
Story is way well narrated and expressed with funnier side :P
Well in an all no mistakes I got throughout. I don't read mistakes.. I read the content and sensible/understanding matter of one who expresses it :)
Cheers!!
- Singh :)

[Glen Yumang Manese]

Again another wit of a write... the way you turn this into a comical scenario and the reader can just sit back and enjoy the literature... I did not have to put my thinking cap on tight... and examine every detail... you have a way with the ending lines...

[Will Neill]

Glen, thank you.
Will

[Marie]

Very good and entertaining,though I never ignore mistakes.

I onc went shopping on Thanksgiving weekend, and came home alive and with a new TV set. I hadn't eaten anything for twelve hours, and was in a state of collapse for the rest of the day, but I know how to shop.

[Will Neill]

Women are the masters of shopping, we mortal men cannot dare to dwell in that arena. ( You missed your 'e' in once Marie-a simple mistake lol) Thank You.
Will