Feeling depressed

Just some free writing. It helps cleanse the soul.

A snowball from h$*& for too many years.

I’m so, so tired.

The sunlight is uniformly bright outside

With beauty, over the trees it presides

I really need to get outside

For in nature beauty is everywhere

There is a God, I believe, I believe

But in fear I cannot completely connect with him.

I can’t stop messing with my horrific skin

I’m getting much older, and a personal hell I’m in

I’m f$%* bleeding again. I hope no one sees me

I must go outside and run with the wind,

Like the wind

I fear I will never escape this rut I’m in

This BDD, ED, painful anxiety, numbing depression, no longer a phase

For it’s gone on for seemingly endless days

Build-up, I broke. So many years I functioned in misery.

Why me?! No one believes me

I want to stand unwound beneath the clouds,

As Dylan would say,

But in my mind, I feel hopelessly bound.

My mind binds me, but the same mind is to save me?!

Predator saving the pray?!

What if I never rebound?!

My smile comes from deep in my soul

I know that’s so, for in my kid pics it abounds

I can’t believe I didn’t look at pics of myself for 15 years

For ugliness I fear

But that goes against all my values, my core

I don’t judge others on stupid shallow things

It’s BS!

So why such harsh judgment to me, myself and I do I bring?!

I don’t understand, but I do

It’s the BDD. No, it’s you. YOU.

My self-esteem has become so darn low

That my looks are all I have

And I don’t even like those

So, that leaves me with ------------------

Living for other people

That’s it.

My family could not go on if I were to die

I use these “visions” to keep me alive

And I’m supposed to fight through everyday crap?!

I fear what I’d do if the reverse happened. Yikes…

Throw my body on a grave and plea with God to take me away?

So I’ll wander until it’s my natural time, I hope

I’m so scared I’ll live a long miserable life

And never have hope or happiness

Just internal strife

And cause others heartbreak, frustration, pain

The Angel From Montgomery, what if I’m her?!

“Just give me something that I can hold onto. Because to believe in this living is just a hard way to go”

I fear Ill never be a wife

And never have kids,

Which would break my heart until my life’s end

NEVER would I think this would be so,

Me not a mom?!

I have their names

I think of them and feel such intense pain

They extend tiny hands and call for mommy,

But they are infinitely beyond my reach

I can’t f^%&*% reach them!?!? Help!

My eyes mirror the rain, the pain…

And I will never have enough money to adopt

I hate money, I need it,

I hate that I need it

A slave to money then you die

So true

I need to leave the house

I’m stressed I won’t make it out, yet again

I break plans over and over and over again

So why do I still f&#$&* make them?!

Why can’t I just f$%^&&* get dressed?!

I need to rest

No one understands the pain that I’m in

Because I appear “normal”, look “normal”

And therefore I am?

I don’t blame them, but I do

My heart is beating/breaking

Try to breathe, I still can’t move

Limbs like lead, weighing down my shoes

No, it’s really my heart that is weighted down

So heavy, too heavy

People used to run toward me, now they run away

They drift away like paper rafts on the sea

Friends are gone, to be seen no more

I feel so alone, worse than ever before

I don’t blame them for not wanting to deal with me

All I bring is reliable misery, relaible unreliability

I haven’t looked outside in awhile, where is the sun?

Pure beauty overpowered by this d@**@ inner turmoil

I wish I was free. God, please help me.

I’ll drop to my knees, I’ll pray the days away

Anything. Please make it go away.

I feel helpless. Hopeless.

Forever will I be…..

Please, somebody understand me!

Help me

Save me, from me

Reviews

[KW Pennington]

No, it doesn't. It's unedited, unpolished, sure. No enigmatic literary wrapping to make me puzzle out the meaning. But it's real as it gets, straight up , and a punch to the gut. Someone I admire recently commented on one of my blogs, "I respect bluntness". Me too.