current state of mind

Hi. This was originally free writing in one long paragraph. I inserted the line breaks, altered some words and censored certain graphic imagery after the fact, so it's a bit disjointed. In a way I suppose, disjointed is appropriate given the subject matte

 

Sometimes I wish I was one of a flock,
Content as a simple servant of the clock
Tick tock, tick tock
With great humor
And only simple thought
My time to truly live may be running out

I would give up seeing beauty in the mundane,
To not feel so much pain
Blind to the dewdrops after the rain
Only noticing the sun on a planned beach day
"Make my mind stop!" to God I pray
I would give up questioning why
To simply enjoy some good 'ol apple pie

My parents would tell me how proud they are
And meet two grandchildren,
Who in dreams, will forever remain afar.
My friends would stick by side
Through both good and bad
We'd laugh and occasionally cry,
But simply over silly romances gone awry
I want so badly to connect again, but to protect
I isolate and anguish over why

Sometimes I wish I was a ray of light
75% of the time cheery and bright,
25% simply tired from the office that day
I know you can relate
It's OK, for tomorrow is a brand new day.
My days, heavy labor, getting dressed
Imagining reaction to my demise to stay alive
"Lots of people are depressed", "It's not all about you" "you are "wasting time"
Oh no, please, not this heavy, heavy heart of mine…

I can feel, even excite, in rays of light,
But I am the dark night sky
Vibrant stars pierce my twinkling brown eyes
But here come storm clouds, blanketing the stars
The flock glances up
Briefly
Then run inside
For they fear getting wet
It's time for bed, rain aside.

I remain outside, eagerness on the rise
"God, drench me with your tears!"
Feel that childhood glee…
A moment in time
My mind is quiet; my heart is alive
For nature's beauty does not obey clock time

An hour later, perhaps even half
I am simply wet, alone
Innocence awry, sometimes I want to die
NO.
I never will
For others I will live on
I will try to fly until the day I die
I hope

The flock is long asleep
I'll set my alarm clock now
I'm terrified I won't hear its beep
Screw up another 9-5
And deeper into a shell of despair I will retreat
Repeat.

I need to work like the flock,
And my saintly parents,
Their bank accounts, their spirits, their hopes,
I have drained
Guilty, regretful, sad as h&&% am I
A burden, a black sheep, a perpetuator of pain

Run from me, run as fast as you possibly can
For a ray of light I may never be again.
No, please come back…
I'm so lonely, I didn't mean that…