Let's talk about ... the Batphone. cough

A Story by WilWa

DC should make the Batphone part of the modern canon. Here's a reason why.

Say you're Batman.

Now, how many of you just said, "I'm Batman." Maybe in a gruff voice. I see you. Maybe you laugh at that.

So here's the thing. Batman is Batman. He likes black. A lot. So he's got a dark black cave, with a black computer, and a black desk with a black monitor. And he's got a black mouse on a black mousepad and a black keyboard with all black keys. Maybe some yellow in there for a little bit of contrast. Very, very little though. Like maybe the shift-6 has a little '^' printed on it in yellow, because who can ever remember which one is the '^'. He's Batman, he's not Mavis Beacon.

Now say his phone rings. He's in the dark, and now his (you might have guessed it) black phone is ringing. You're Batman. You're pretty cool, but man. You're not known for patience. Where is your phone? Everything is black! You think, "how am I supposed to just do something simple like 'find my phone' in this?!"

So what do you do?

You put a big frickin' sticker on it that says BATPHONE.

You think, "I am TIRED of not being able to find my phone when it rings. It needs little lights all over it that blink, maybe in morse code to give you more information, but that are easy to see when needed.

"Easy to see.

"In the dark.

"In the dark. Against the cold dark emptiness of the caves that echo the cold dark emptiness of your soul. Where you like to go to think. To go to the dark places.

"To brood.

"When you're not hanging off of some gothic architecture in the night like a gargoyle. You brood here. Yeah, it's a little eccentric, but the alternative is worse.

"All these years an orphan. Doomed to an eternity of fighting crime. Fighting evil. Stuck in this never-ending pit of toil. Existing only to fight it back, to keep existence running for just a little bit longer. Before Evil finally takes over for good. And it will. It's inevitable.

"And you sit. And you brood. And then you see just a glimmer. A distraction. You think, 'what was that?' You think, `I think...I'm like...writing about imagining someone imagining what you're imagining while you're Batman,

" `If you're confused right now keep reading. It's okay. I did that on purpose. You see, this is the the point.

" `I'm WilWa. I'm the one writing this, talking to you. What you just felt is what I imagine absolute insanity to be. Who in this sentence is speaking? Is it me, is it Batman? Is it a person Batman was thinking about? Is it you?

" `It's me. We got that covered. Now this is what I'm trying to illustrate. Absolute insanity is what just happened. Just that. All the time. Eternally. Think about that just a second.

" `...

" `But stick with me. Let's go back to our scenario. Remember, now. You're Batman.`

"You roll back in your chair and shake your head and think, 'what was that?' and you notice you're thinking about something other than Thomas.

"And Martha

" `you a******s`

"But no! Don't go back there. No. Stay within these walls. The walls of the cave. Someone is trying to communicate with you. What could they want? It's a brief reminder that someone is out there. They need you, but you're lost. You have to go back. This is a real human connection, communicating distantly with you through secret signals that few still understand. Few have been through what it takes to understand."

"And you realize when you were imagining someone brooding you were imagining yourself. You're the one they're trying to contact.

" ` And then the person telling you what you're thinking realizes that they're talking about themselves. Whoa.`

"But you don't care about that right now. And someone really needs to stop interrupting. It's confusing. You're Batman. This is why you exist. Stay in the cave! So that few ever have to go through what it takes to understand. To understand what it is to barely cling to sanity. This is your calling.

"This is why you do this.

"This is why you sacrifice yourself entirely to the eradication of evil. Knowing full well that it can never be eradicated. That is what you have found, that it

"must

"be

"fought.

"Someone must fight. And that someone is the one who says

" ' `I'm Batman.` '

`"And that is who is trying to communicate with you, trying to contact you. In the dark labyrinth of your mind.

"Someone who is trying to tell you: ' `we need you to fight.` '

Someone who needs you. And you're ready.

"And so THAT is what we all imagine people want out of their easy to see phones, by God. To pull you out of insanity and back into yourself. Quickly! So you don't get lost, staring into the blackness of your desk, trying to find your frickin' phone. You can spend an eternity there. You need something obvious and in your face!"

You maybe chuckle darkly and say, "but good Lord I'm morose.

"ALFRED! Get me some coffee!"

You look thoughtful for a second.

"Please?!

"This is ridiculous, " you exclaim, "I'm a billionaire for God's sake, why do I not have this? Why can't I get this?

"...

"- Frickin' Apple.

"...

That is what you think when you're Batman.

Like we said, he's a very cool dude.

But you're Batman.

You're Batman. Now stay with me. You're very dark. You're the original goth, man. You know what sarcasm is.