The Wasp Beam of Amnesia

A story I wrote last year. It's about these people in the military who face a "big" threat

The year is 2178, and things were going splendidly well. Fighting off invasions from space creatures, the world isn’t perfect, and best of all we have to work 18 hours a day.  We can’t seem to avert these crises. Then one sunny day had to be the best day of my life. I had to stop some alien wasp colony from using their amnesia beam. If you don’t know what this is its a beam that can destroy planets, hypothetically.  It makes everyone forget for like 2 months. They always send random people instead of their own military. I mean, come on, what’s so important that you can’t save the world. Oh, wait, I know! “Does anyone know where my grape soda is? No? Ok. Help me find it. We’ll spend the rest of my life looking for it then.” Who knew that this is the reason why the military couldn’t fight is that the general asked everyone to help him find his grape soda. I thought the military was, indispensable That was irrelevant though. The government initiated the plan to send citizens with past military history in, even if it was for 2 months! I mean, can you believe that? Anyway, we went aboard the commanding ship. We had our mission briefing and then we were sent off. But they had forgotten the most important part. Weak spots, that’s all we needed to know I guess they already used the amnesia beam. Everyone was feeling apprehensive about showing up and fighting these things. Once we infiltrated the ship, the smell hit us. It was so repulsive some of us threw up. Yeah, that will make it a lot better than it already is. As soon as we saw these creatures(I don’t even know if I can say that) they were as big as, wait for it, a regular sized wasp. Instead of these guns, they could’ve sent us in with tennis rackets. We all started to laugh in unison. There was no way they sent us up here to deal with this threat. Once we found the beam it was like two centimeters tall. This thing would be so ineffectual that we would probably forget what a seed is. We dealt with the threat accordingly. I snapped the beam in two, while everyone else got on our ship. I soon got on the ship too and we went back home.

Reviews

[The Seeker of Thoughts]

Quite a random story but it was enjoyable. Your writing is getting better. The next step is finding the writing style and genre that suits you best. I just found out that I am best at writing horror. I am excited to see what yours is. Thank you for the writing.

[JayG]

There's a lot about writing fiction to the page that's not obvious, as there is to any profession. And like any other, we have to learn the profession in order to practice it.

The writing techniques you learned in school are nonfiction, and taught to help you get and hold a job. They are of no value when writing fiction, because nonfiction aims to inform, and fiction to entertain.

Fiction is NEVER written in overview because that's a report, not a story. The events are not what makes a story interesting. It's the characters, and their struggle. You need to introduce them, and focus on what matters to them, Story lives in the heart, the mind, the desires and aspirations of the characters, not in "This happened...then that happened...And I remember..."

So some time spent digging into the techniques of fiction would be time well spent. You'll spend a lot of time saying, "Why didn't I see that for myself?"

[Srchaud]

I feel like you want to be funny(you are). I agree with seeker of thoughts, it is very random but within the confusion I felt like there was a style waiting to get out- middle grade comedy scifi.
People may disagree but the grape soda bit would be pretty good in the rigth setup.In fact I think all of it would be good. It is the right kind of random, only unfocused at this time.
So how do you focus your work? At first it comes across as prolouge, then it comes across as if the MC is talking to us the reader. Then it comes across as 1st person.
I suggest you write as if the MC is talking to us the reader. I think with the right mix of (breaking the 4th wall) it would be a fun read.
for example if the MC said something along the lines of..This smell, its so repulsive. Ohhhh they are throwing up.
that will make it better guys.
instead of - It was so repulsive some of us threw up. Yeah, that will make it a lot better than it already is.
To me it would fit much better with the grape soda line, where I felt as if the MC was talking to me and stopping in the present to look for his soda.
Think of it maybe as we are a camera crew following this guy around. decribe it to us that way.
Anyways hope I made my point clear.