1 - A Serious Case Of Mercy

Something I am still working on! I was inspired by the tale of Dick Turpin and I am in the process of developing the storyline. This is an experiment piece to help me figure out the characters.

A cold breeze fills the pokey, little tavern as the heavy wooden door flies open revealing the reality of the outside elements.

He has arrived. 

The room dies as he makes his presence known through silent consultation. As he promotes his masculine features in the faint candle light of the tavern, his dismal eyes lock to mine which in turn sends a shuddering sensation down my spine. I turn my head towards the bar, hiding my identity behind a blank expression and weathered clothes. I pull my wide-brimmed hat down over my eyebrows to hide my face from the flickering light. 

I can’t allow him the privilege of knowing my wanted identity.

I follow his journey through the corner of my eye as he prowls across the harsh wooden floor. His presence causes a smoke-like affect in the room; everything is darker, the air is thicker and I imagine that if he lingers around this place for long enough, the death count will soar. 

The ground quakes as the sole of his cumbersome leather boots make contact with the wood beneath his feet. As his energy reaches my field of security, I feel the painful stabbing of adrenaline running through my blood. It is almost unbearable. The only thing which ties me down to this bar stool is his unspoken rule. I move, I die. 

I have heard of this mysterious man. I have heard about what he can do to a person like me. 

He proceeds to the bar. The man grabs a stool just down from where I am sat. I can feel the sweat beading across my forehead. The shady figure taps a single gold coin on the bar with anticipation before looking around and meeting my cowardice glance. A single droplet of sweat trickles from my forehead, down the bridge of my nose before falling of the tip onto the wooden bar beneath my forearms. He pauses; still glaring at me. The room once again stands still. 

The man silently chuckles to himself, letting go of my sheepish gaze, knowing the amount of control he has within this tiny room. With a click of his fingers, the barman passes him an unknown type of whiskey. It is one I have never seen before. A type of whiskey that has never been sold to a commoner like me. It is a deeper, richer shade of amber. Nothing like the watered down alleged whiskey that we commoners get served. In one swift movement the drink disappears into the stomach of the beast. The unknown whiskey doesn’t seem to change the arrangement of the mans face. 

As he places his empty glass on the bar, he turns his whole body in my direction, raises himself to a standing position and broodingly makes his way over towards me. My heart is beating so fast that there is now a higher possibility my body will fall into sudden cardiac arrest. 

His musky breath caresses my nostrils as he invades my privacy. Leaning on the bar he steals my line of vision and I can tell it will be hard for me to look away. I can feel his eyes viciously scratching into my soul, figuring out my deepest and darkest fears, secrets and vulnerabilities; yet his face remains emotionless. Through fearing for my life, I cannot bring myself to move a single muscle. 

He shuffles slightly before diving his hand deep into his jacket pocket. He rummages through his belongings and withdraws a crumpled up piece of paper among many other things; a couple of gold coins, a tooth, some string and... a bitten off finger. The piece of paper is damaged and soaking wet from the rain and so you can understand my reluctance to taking it when he offers it to me. He grabs my wrist and squeezes it until you can hear my bones starting to crack! I unwillingly open up my palm and he forcefully shoves this crumpled piece of paper into my hand.

"See you around Devin." He gives a devilish smile before chucking the coin to the barman. He turns and leaves with little haste. 

As the gale force winds charge through the tavern, I look down to the piece of paper which I now hold in my hand. As I begin to unravel it, concern shoots me like a bullet fresh out of a barrel. My whole body goes numb.

Author's Note

This piece of written work is just for my work process in writing scripts and so it is very rough, very basic and quite bland.. however it helps me find a story instead of thinking of a story and I figure out how my characters react to each other and in turn I produce stronger scenes.
Any feedback would be amazing (I am new to this...)

Reviews

[Nat]

Hi,

Good job with building the suspense. I love the way you describe the man (mysterious, a strong aura), deepened with the fear of the main character.

I couldn't help but notice that there are several spelling and grammatical errors, I would suggest you to proofread.

"He silently chuckles to himself once he realises the amount of control he has within this tiny room. " - I think this line is more fitting of an omnipresent narrator rather than the main character's POV.

Ending is classic and leaves the readers on edge, hungry for more.

Overall, great job, keep writing!

[Whisty_x]

Thank you for pointing it out! I can't get better if people don't tell me how to improve and I've always struggled with tense and grammar so thank you so much for bringing this to light. I will definitely proof-read it and change what is necessary.

Good classic or bad classic (Unoriginal... because it kind of is!).

[Sapientiam]

You know what this sounds like? An extremely grabbing prologue to a book. The imagery was well expressed and the characterization, especially of the feared man, was incredibly spot on. You certainly succeeded in making it clear how the characters are truly like, like the protagonist having a cowardly disposition and the other man being overwhelmingly menacing. I feel like there is more to these characters, something the narrator is keeping inside. This makes me itching for more.

Great job and keep on writing!

[Whisty_x]

Thank you so very much. I am working on building them and have a couple of ideas in mind so tune in for more!

I have another story which is the same story as a whole but from the antagonist's point of view and why he turned that way so have a look and I would love the feedback!

[Haimaii]

Very suspenseful and interesting. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story.

[Mahnor]

brilliant!. i was so involved and lost in it while reading it.good description

[Whisty_x]

Thank you!
Glad you enjoyed it.

[Author Gus]

It takes a bold author to write a western in today's market. I grew up reading Louis L'Amour and William Johnstone but not many of my generation followed suite.

That being said, you have modernized the genre with this piece. Classically, the coward would never have been the main character. Western heroes are usually men that know no fear.

I also like that you knew why this was being written. When somebody such as myself writes a novel or short story we must worry about being too descriptive. That is the beauty of writing towards a visual presentation. The more descriptive the better. More details will improve the scene but have little to no effect on the total run time of the film/play/whatever.

Good work and welcome to the café!

[Whisty_x]

Thank you so much!

It is actually based on the 1700's highway men in UK, but now I think about it, they aren't too different from Western cowboys.

[Andy L]

Nice bit of suspense at the end there! Interesting piece which draws the reader in and leaves them wanting to read on. Could have done with a spellcheck, poky (pokey), squease (squeeze)etc but this is nitpicking and easily remedied. A good piece.

[Whisty_x]

Thank you so much for pointing the spelling mistakes out! I will go through and check them now.
read moreThank you so much for pointing the spelling mistakes out! I will go through and check them now.
Thank you, I'm happy you enjoyed reading it!

[J.M.Fields]

Finish it! How will I know what happens next? Well written but I'm frustrated.

[Whisty_x]

It will eventually become a script but there will be a lot more like this in the near future, I promise you! x
Glad you enjoyed reading it!

[Tbear]

I want to read more..lovely piece of work..

[Whisty_x]

Thank you!

[DanielaMorris]

This was amazing! My eyes were glued to the screen (-: great job.

[Whisty_x]

Thank you!