Leaf on the Branch

When faced with a tragic situation, hope is the most necessary, yet hardest thing to hold on to.

Leaf on the Branch

A bald, young child lies in a hospital bed

A mother sat beside her, wishing she lied there instead

Tiresome tears trickled down her face

as she leaned into her husband’s warm embrace

The family was surrounded by white walls

Even after months the two still felt small

Outside, two leaves danced to the beat of the breeze

they swayed side to side with impeccable ease

The parents watched their child slowly die

they could do nothing but sit and cry

for the child, anything but sleep brought strife

so the heart monitor stood as the only sign of life

the mother sat alone

a gale tore one leaf away

the father had enough, and had not shown

while the other leaf watched on, forced to stay

the constant beep of the heart monitor began to slow

petrified, the mother sat still as stone

her panic and distraught began to grow

as the leaf on the branch continued to dance alone

white coats barged in after it flat-lined

the anguished sobs of the mother echoes through the room

the leaf was purposefully and powerfully plucked from its perch

forcing mankind to search once more.

 

Reviews

[Justin Powell]

I love the metaphor of the poem. It has a perfect title as well. If you want to continue to revise this piece, I would vary the rhyme scheme. AABBCCDD and so on becomes distracting as the poem goes on. Without much punctuation it flows but the rhyme scheme feels like a constant drum beat. Think of it like a song where the drum beat never changes. As beautiful as the melody is (the rest of the poem), that never-changing beat will betray everything around it. Poetry rhythm should be felt in the lips and the tongue. Try reading this aloud or tape record it and you might hear what I am talking about. Also consider that if you want to send poetry to literary magazines or anthologies then know that many, if not most, will give little consideration to those with simple rhyme schemes or rhyme schemes altogether.

I think this poem has great potential. The metaphor, title and repetition of sounds within the sentences work perfectly. With varied end rhyme or ditching the rhyme scheme, I think this could be a high 80's poem. As it stands now I think it is low 70's. Keep working on it. Like I said, it has great potential.

Courtesy of the Constructive Critics

[WhereItResides]

Thank you very much for the review! I see what you mean and have changed the poem around a bit, I also got rid of some unnecessary words and fit the rhyme with what is actually happening in the poem. I would really like if you re-read it and tell me what you think of the changes. Thanks again!

[Justin Powell]

The rhyme works better this time. It flows better too. I still think adding punctuation might help a little. Put periods at the end of sentences and then read it aloud. I think it makes the beautiful lines you have throughout the poem stand out. I liked the changes you made so far.

[speckledbyrd]

I really love the rhythm. Also, I was tearing up as I read this, so good job. You're execution of emotion was flawless

[Bright Ocean Star]

Very nice write, but i'm confused about the last line....and also second to last line. Why was the branch purposefully and powerfully plucked from it's perch....because of the gale storm outside? ...why were people forced to once again begin the search? The last two lines don't really seem to go with the theme of the majority of the poem. Maybe just me, but the last lines made me scratch my head. The whole first part of the poem, though, was very beautiful, very sad, but great imagery...great heart and great writing. Thank you for sharing this with us...

[WhereItResides]

Thanks for the review! The leaves symbolize the hope of the parents. When the father stopped showing up, a leaf was blown away because his hope was destroyed. The mother's was the last to go and happened when the daughter died. The leaves blowing away symbolized the loss of hope, which once gone, must once again be found. Hope is something we are all looking for.

[Bright Ocean Star]

ahhh...I see. that makes sense. Great writing, WIR. I have to be careful when I read your pieces, because some of them just bring me to tears so fast. You have so much dramatic talent....it is a pleasure to read your work. Thank you for sharing..:)

[Alex Holmes]

be careful not because sorry

[Alex Holmes]

This is really beautiful. I love the use of extended metaphor. Just because with your tenses.