Darkness

After being abducted from his home, Andrew Tate must face internal and external hell to survive. But does he even have chance?

Darkness

        Strong arms gripped Andrew Tate’s neck like a noose. Andrew saw the familiar surroundings of his home fade away into nothingness. At first it blurred as if he were seeing through water. Tate’s arms gesticulated wildly as they tried and failed to fight off his attacker. It was but a couple minutes, though it felt far more like an eternity to Andrew. His arms fell limp to his sides and his vision faded away to blackness. A blackness that would cling to him like a parasite, one that would never let go of its deathly grip.

        The attacker picked up Andrew’s limp body and heaved him over his shoulder. The weight didn’t slow him down at all as he walked into the brisk night air. The stars served as the only whiteness and they watched with rapt attention as the attacker loaded Andrew’s body into the back of his van. The stars shimmered and focused their attention elsewhere in the night sky. There was plenty to see and they didn’t have time to view this one incident out of the millions of events that were currently happening.

        The door slid open which allowed the moon and stars to illuminate the inside of the vehicle. The dark leather seats reflected the light back into the otherwise dark van. The attacker loaded Andrew’s unconscious body into one of the empty seats where he sat limp. The attacker closed the door and walked around the driver’s side where he entered. The van roared like a lion that trapped its prey as it came to life and drove carefully down the road to deflect attention. Andrew’s body bounced and juggled with every bump on the poorly maintained road. His eyes remained closed as he was lost to world of light and trapped in the Hell of darkness, a Hell he would never be able to escape.

        Andrew’s head throbbed and pulsated as his heart slammed against his chest like a semi-truck. He couched and heaved as his eyes flung open like a bullet fired from a gun. His eyes were open yet he saw nothing. A sea of darkness surrounded his vision. It covered everything. This impeding darkness is all around. He opened and closed his eyes repeatedly but he was still lost in the confines of the darkness. Andrew gasped as he struggled to breathe in his panicked state. His mind raced as he struggled against the chilled metal binds that kept him locked and bound to a metallic chair like an animal trapped inside of a cage that desperately wanted free, which wasn’t so far off in his case. It wasn’t long until all of his struggling exhausted him. His mind freed from the excess panic, his thoughts began to form and come together much more coherently than when he first woke up. Still and tired he could feel the rough, scratchy surface of a rag tied tightly around his head. His head throbbed to the beat of his heart as he struggled to remember what happened. All he could draw from his memory banks was that he arrived home from work and now he was here, wherever here was.

        Andrew startled as the rusted hinges of the door grinded together like gears in a machine as a door opened. Andrew’s eyes were gratified as a glimmer of light streaked its way into the room, but vanished as quickly as it came and the door silently closed, killing off that little bit of hope, footsteps echoed around in the room as Andrew swallowed the lump in his throat, confounded as to what was happening.

        “Mr. Roberts please help us make this a quick and painless process. I want to know where the data on European troop movements is being stored. All you have to do is tell me that and we will let you go and no harm will come to you. The amount of time you spend here is entirely up to you, but since you’re a smart man, I have a feeling you won’t be here for long.” A gruff voice that was layered with an accent that Andrew couldn’t recognize.

        Before Andrew even had a chance to respond the door once again opened and footsteps carried the man away.

        “I don’t know what you are talking about! My name is Andrew Tate, not whoever Roberts is! Please! You have to believe me!” Andrew cried, but the silence remained, for the darkness was his only companion now.

        Andrew wasn’t sure how long he sat in the chair, how long he shouted his innocence until his voice grew hoarse. Time had no meaning in the land of darkness. He heard nothing and saw nothing. The only reason he knew he was still alive was because the chilled metal binds. But how long would that last? How long until he couldn’t even tell if he were alive or dead?

        The door opened again as someone entered the room. Andrew started screaming his innocence again, then sprouted random locations that popped into his head, but there was no response. Two sets of footsteps increased in volume as the people approached. Andrew tasted the bitter latex as gloved hands clenched to his mouth and forced it to remain open. Liquid poured down his throat. He chocked and attempted to move his head away from the falling water, but it was in vain, the hands held firm. The water stopped as quickly as it came and he could taste the stale bread as it was forced into his mouth. After the men made sure the bread was eaten, they left, all without saying a word.

        Andrew counted every time they fed him; counted every time they opened the door and shoved moldy bread down his throat. It kept him focused, it kept him sane. But like his sight that comfort was also lost to him. He lost count and struggled to stay focused enough to restart. Even in the silence of the room it was deafeningly loud. His thoughts screamed and cursed for freedom and then begged for death. He smiled and laughed then in the next second he sobbed. He was in a laughing fit when he first heard the buzzing sound. It was quiet yet intense. It was like a fly that buzzed constantly around his head yet remained out of reach. Andrew picked up the struggle against the binds. His head throbbed from the noise as the sound filled his thoughts like a  nightmare forgotten from an awakened child.

        He screamed and shouted nonsensical phrases as he vainly attempted to block out the noise. He wasn’t sure if he was screaming or not. His sole attention was forced on the noise. While distracted he didn’t even notice the door open. But he did notice the hand, no claws, placed on his jaws. With demonic strength the held his mouth open an a flood of metallic liquid filled his mouth. He coughed and sputtered but the bitter taste remained. After the bloody liquid came the salty, hard to chew flesh. Andrew felt the claws working his jaws like a machine, then forced him to swallow. Andrew wanted to throw up as the demonic claws left his head. Shuffled feet were heard as the demons left him alone once again with the darkness, the beautiful darkness. But even the darkness couldn’t prevent the charnel stench that filled the air.  

        The stench suffocated Andrew as if he had a noose tied around his throat. Was he moved? Did the demons bring the ones they killed? How many bodies littered the floor like bottles on the side of the road? Was he going to be one of them? No, the darkness would protect him. The darkness would keep him safe.

        Andrew heard the explosion as the door flung open. The explosion left ringing in his ears and hands gripped his shoulders as they moved him from his confined cage. The continuous ringing in his ears made it impossible to tell what they were saying. Did the darkness save him? That must be it. The darkness finally rescued him.

        Rough hands pulled the hood that covered Andrew’s face. The scratchy hood slowly slid up over his face, past his eyes. The cloth was fully removed, yet the darkness remained.  

       

         

Author's Note

I'm working on using more figurative language in my writing, let me know what you think of it.

Reviews

[Sophie Konstantine]

I like the story, it becomes quite terrifying at the end. At times I felt like it was a bit too jumpy, especially the bit when his eyes open and his mind starts to race. In the previous paragraph you are describing him quite limp so to go from there to his mind racing with no transition in between was a bit tricky for me. Toward the end there I felt too many word echoes, like "darkness". But over all quite nice! thank you for sharing your work.

[WhereItResides]

Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to check out the suggestions you made. Especially about the repetition of darkness. I like it, but I think it is there a little too much.

[Sophie Konstantine]

you're welcome, feel free to check out my stuff if you feel so inclined. :)

[blackcayne]

Good description and it has a very tense feel, I can't remember what part but at some are I thought you were using the name 'Andrew' too many times. Sometimes you should use pronouns more, other than that it was great!

[WestWriter]

The first thing I notice is a switch in tense that makes following the story difficult. Verb tense switching should not be done unless absolutely necessary, and then only to indicate that the reader is being brought to something that has happened or will happen. Conversely, if you're writing in past tense but are expressing thoughts or dialogue, first person present should always be used. The first thing I would do with this piece is choose a verb tense and make sure the entire story agrees with it. If you come to a sentence that is written in a different verb tense, analyze closely to ensure that the shift is necessary, and that the proper verb tense is used.

In the first two paragraphs, the distance from which you write is close, then far. This in and of itself isn't wrong, however for what you are trying to accomplish, it's backwards. These two paragraphs set the tone for the rest of the story, and determine whether your reader will keep reading or not. In the first, you have events taking place mixed with Andrew's reaction to those events.

The first paragraph should be written from far to moderate distance, setting the scene, zooming in close and introducing the characters at the end. If you absolutely must talk about the stars, mention them at the start of this paragraph so that they don't interrupt the action or Andrew's reaction.

The second paragraph should start at close distance and should only contain the reaction to the events. As to that point, the reactions need to be handled in a specific order, according to what would naturally occur. First you have instincts that will cause a reflex action. Then you have rational thought and response.

You write:
"His arms fell limp to his sides and his vision faded away to blackness. A blackness that would cling to him like a parasite, one that would never let go of its deathly grip."

When using metaphors the key is to make them match the tone of the piece. The the clinging blackness, and its deathly grip work here. Parasite does not. If you see his descent into madness as a sort of parasite draining away his sanity, I missed that. If the darkness is symbolic of madness, and if this piece is about Andrew's descent into madness, maybe try dialoguing with that darkness. Give it emotional, physical attributes. The darkness in this story is flat. Give it a personality.

A malicious darkness creeps in, stalking Andrew, taunting him, tasting his flesh. A living, breathing thing, it swallows Andrew with a satisfied moan.

Just a hasty example, but the point is give the darkness, symbolic of madness here, ( which is the star of your piece) a personality and life.

I struggled through the next few paragraphs, and when I got to the part where he was in a chair in a room, I was completely confounded as to how I got there. I didn't see the transition. If you're writing from Andrew's perspective, that would make sense, but there's a better way to make that transition. As to POV, while I'm on the topic, it looks like you're going for third person omniscient here. While this does make things easier to see and understand from every angle, there is too much information to allow anything that happens (or any reaction to that event) to have an impact. While this piece can certainly be written from third person omniscient, take care with how much information you include. Cut out anything that isn't essential to the story, and that goes for any length of writing.

Throughout the piece you've mixed action with reaction, and that only serves to make the story confusing. At the end, Andrew seems to think the darkness is a good thing. I did not see that transition take place. I need to see the change take place, and why. I get that he's institutionalized, but not how he got there. Was he mad beforehand, and taken away? Is that why he was "kidnapped" in the beginning? I think so, but I'm still wondering. By the end of the piece, I should know.

It's a great start, but the verb tense shifting, the POV confusion, the mingling of action and reaction, and the confusion of the role of the darkness take too much away from the story to make me want to read more. Also, you use many words repeatedly within rapid succession of one another. With some polish, Darkness could be 5-star, though. As it stands, I would give it 2.

[WhereItResides]

Thank you for the constructive review!
I will tell you that you looked way to closely into this piece. It is very literal. It was just a project I churned out for my creative writing class. I only spent about an hour writing it and did very little editing, which clearly shows. I write everything third person and past tense but I usually get and editor for works I truly care about to make sure everything stays like that because for some reason I suck at maintaining tense, makes me mad sometimes.
The darkness ends up being a friend because it is the only thing not continuing to harm him, it became the one things he could take comfort in, it doesn't really represent anythings more than that, if I had less of a restraint in time and word count I could have done more with it, and I wanted to, but restrictions suck.
I admit that the parasite no matching the tone of the story doesn't make sense to me. If I said it stuck to him like a fluffy, pink unicorn, then we might have some tone conflict there. You don't know how Andrew got to the chair because Andrew doesn't really know. I could have described the drive there and the man taking him out of the car and bringing him into wherever they are, but there really isn't much point of that and it would just break up the story.
Andrew was never institutionalized. Again, this story isn't as symbolic as say, my story The Hand, it is very literal. I suppose that would be confusing if the reader is looking for something I didn't write.
I admit I am also confused on what you mean by mixing action with reaction. Last I checked that is generally how stories are done. I can't exactly mix reaction with an action. Hard to react before anything actually happened.
The ending is Andrew getting 'rescued' which, never actually happened. The darkness remains because he never left it. His escape was simply somethings his head created to try and escape the madness, he will probably suffer many more fits like that until he is killed or simply dies form something natural.
If you don't mind, I would like some elaboration on some of the stuff mentioned above, but I definitely get the tense shift, that is simply because it isn't edited because I don't care as much for this piece as I should. School rules made me make it far tamer than I would have liked.
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave a good constructive review, not enough people do. Also, I apologize if any of my sarcasm leaked out. If it did, don't take it personally or assume I am unappreciative. I am simply a sarcastic person and I struggle to control it. I am surprised it doesn't leak into my stories more often. Thanks again!

[WestWriter]

Okay, when you say you don't care about a piece and so don't put as much effort into as you would something you do care about, that's not good. Though I don't always meet the expectations of my readers, I ALWAYS try to do my best. I post NOTHING without a thorough round of editing first. This is a level of expectations I hold myself, and everyone else to.

That said, elaboration of stuff mentioned, I take it you mean the action/reaction?

I suggest writing one paragraph as though you were recording it from behind the lens of a video camera, and then writing the next paragraph as the character experiences and reacts to the previous paragraph. Action/Reaction.

I recommend this in agreement with Randy Ingermanson of Advanced Fiction Writing and his implementation of Dwight Swain's method in his article on writing the perfect scene. Learning to separate the two has compounded on my ability to use distance to heighten impact, and is useful to many others in different ways. You will find your own path, and that's as it should be. For this piece, I made the suggestion because I saw how it could benefit the story.

Using the word parasite as you did suggests (with imagery) that the darkness is draining something from him. If that's not your intention, not what's happening, then that word is not only ineffective and inessential, but misleading. It gives the wrong impression, changes the tone of the story from descent into madness to attack of the madness. Dig?

As for the transition, I think that if we're only meant to see this as Andrew sees it, then it must be written from his perspective, whether that's presented via first person or third person limited. In the second and third paragraphs, we continue to see the picture even though Andrew is unconscious. This is information that we should not have. As he is being abducted, or perceiving himself being abducted, we should see the scene fade to black. Then, as he regains consciousness, the scene should gradually come back into focus, this time in a different place under different circumstances. That missing gap, if delineated appropriately, will be expected.

Sarcasm is hard to portray through writing, and unless I'm given implicit reason to assume a remark is sarcastic, I don't. And sarcasm doesn't necessarily need to be controlled. It can be a useful and valuable skill in a writer's toolkit, but like any other skill, the appropriate and effective use of sarcasm must be learned. There's a time and place for it.

You're welcome! :)

[E.Potter]

I love the descent into madness. Wonderful descriptions, quite eerie. I rather enjoyed reading it :)

[WhereItResides]

Thank you so much for your review!