feel

feel words

I feel my adrenaline pumping. I feel like for the first time, their words won’t hold me back. I didn’t imagine I’d ever find the will or courage to do something like this again.

I’d been held back for so damn long. I didn’t know I could even try to do something like this. I felt held back by my people, friends, and colleagues for so long. How could I even come to terms with the fact that No one could ever believe in me? Isn’t it frustrating? That feeling of being unable to do something but not ever knowing why it was impossible. I earnestly believe their words. But why wouldn’t I? They were the only words I’d ever have known. But eventually. I realized I had to break out of my shell. Even if my voice shook every time, I opened my mouth. Even if my chest squeezed the ever-loving s**t out of my body. Even if my body shook, trembled, shivered, and straight up blanked out.

My brain couldn’t take it. I had to constantly remind myself that I was alive. I had to constantly live in a state of repression because of their words. And the hardest part is. I don’t even remember their words. I just remember feeling like the dumbest f**k in the world. I remember feeling incapable. I remember feeling horrid. I remember wanting to throw up every time I picked up something new.

A voice rang in my head every time I tried something new. “How the f**k are you picking up that thing? Who told you to pick that up? How f*****g dare you pick that thing up?”

I didn’t question that voice for a second. I didn’t think “Who the f**k are you?”. I was a prisoner within my mind. I had all the options. All the opportunity in the world, and I denied myself the pleasure all the time because I felt incapable of receiving the pleasure.

I’m tired of being an enemy to myself. I don’t like being cruel to myself. I've had enough cruelty to last me 50 f*****g years. I don’t want to treat myself like I don’t deserve a moment of peace. I want to be free of those unforgiving sights. I want to be free of every word.

For the first time in my life, I realize I can do whatever the f**k I want.