My Secret (It's Torture)

It's happened. It's happened all over again.

My worst nightmare has come alive again. It's back to take advantage again.

The disgusting smell of beer is in the air.

There's weight on me. It's heavy.

I can't breathe...

I try to fight the heaviness,

I try to hold in my breath.

I'm trying to escape,

But it has me pinned.

Choking for air,

I'm trying to punch my way out.

Please let go of me!

Please stop this pain!

Ouch! Ouch!

Stop! Stop!

It burns! It burns!

Please just stop! It hurts!

The burning,

The pain,

The hurt,

It finally stops.

I'm in a corner. All alone.

There's blood everywhere,

I'm crying. I can't stop.

I feel so dirty. Filthy.

I'm worthless. I'm nothing.

The fault is on me. I did this.

It's time to stand,

Brush myself off.

Cut. Cut again.

Smile. 

I'm feeling much better.

I carry myself without confidence.

Smile!

Smile!

It's a deal that isn't that big.

Cut,

Cut,

Cut,

I'm hiding this. This is my secret.

Scrubbing. Scrubbing the filthiness off.

I'm so dirty. No wonder it came back.

I hate myself.

I deserve this.

My worst nightmare actually did me a favor.

But I'll keep it to myself...

This is my secret...

My greatest weakness. I love this.

It's torture.

Author's Note

...

Don't give me any flak.

I wrote it for closure. It's happened recently.

So hush. Don't flak.

Reviews

[Chris Micha]

First, I want to tell you no one deserves this, and this is NOT your fault. I don't know the whole story but from this it's evident. I am crying inside for you, in disgust. If this is going on, then you've got to get out, now!

Second, your poem is beautiful even though it hurts me to read it. If these words help you to heal then don't worry what anyone thinks. Do what you need to do to get through and over this.

God bless you!!

[Luna Zerimar]

Thank you so much Christian.

I've been feeling a bit better since I posted this. Smiling for a change.

Thank you for the blessings. Take care.

[Brook]

You're a wonderful writer Jessica. I really like this.

[Luna Zerimar]

Thanks Brook.

[Simon Welsh]

You're so blunt and forthcoming, I actually flinched reading it. You're such a great writer.

[Luna Zerimar]

Blunt? Forthcoming?

Wow. Someone never described me that way.

It made you flinch? I didn't expect that. At all. O.o

Thank you for reading, and thank you for your kind words.

[Chloe_Spence]

Jessica, I really like your writing style. You are not afraid to hold back on emotion and honesty. The way I describe it- your poems are like birds in a birdcage, and you are not afraid to let those birds fly free.

If you ever need to talk to someone-message me. I know there is a timezone difference, but I cannot explain how sincere I am by saying that.
I'm not going to say "Stay strong" because that is a hard thing to do, but try and stay as positive as you can be- I hope that one day you are no longer hurt or tortured by your secret.
Well done, lovely poem :)

[Luna Zerimar]

Poetry gives me a chance to be open. More open the I can be.

These birds you speak of, yeah, I do try to let them go, but sometimes, I can trap them.

I really do appreciate you being there for me when I need you. You're a good soul, Chlo.

Thanks for reviewing! It's greatly appreciated!

[Justin]

that was really good, it had alot of emotions in it, which made it really good ;)

[Luna Zerimar]

Thank you.

[Justin]

your welcome, keep it up :)