A Cynic's Dictionary Of Romance

Just my little version and tribute to Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary

 

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song

George Gordon Noel Byron (1788-1824)


Beauty: 1.) A measurement of lust. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but all who say that aim too high.

"Bluest eyes I've ever seen.": 1.) The romance is over, bags will be packed and new digs will be moved into--your lady has met another man. 2.) Someone else's eyes. 3.) Dingy blue eyes idealized.

Box of chocolates and roses: Prelude to male gratification and female disillusion.

Committment: The duration in time before your partner finds someone he/she prefers more than you.

Dating:  1.) The pointless charade of two fools. 2.) Foreplay.

Divorce: 1.) Freedom 2.) Regaining one's sanity. 3.)Realists' inevitable outcome.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend: An impossible state of Self-Indulgence where one seeks from another unilateral attention, approbation, and worship. A continual dance to a broken record.

Happily ever after: A confirmed bachelor or an old maid.

Husband: Tyrant

Intimacy: A relation in which two fools commit to their destruction.

Kindred Spirits: A false reflection of a megalomaniac.

kiss: A commitment to conspire. A Fool’s “Innocent” Paradise.

Knight In Shining Armor: How every man begins in a woman's eyes before she proceeds to prove him a Knave.

love: 1.) A measure of insanity curable by the removal of the stimuli which created the disorder. 2.) Pre-hate 3.)A projection of self-interest on another in order to enable coitus.

Lovers: 1.) Performers. 2.) Two fools locked in a shared lie.

Lust: 1.) Natural instinct. 2.) The noblest emotion. 3.) Love.

Marriage: 1.)The state of pre-divorce. Marriage is an example of tethering. Two souls locked in mortal combat, each loathing the other, yet fearing their escape. 2.)The chains of poor judgment.

Monogamy: 1.) A theoretical state unsubstantiated by fact. 2.) A moratorium placed upon natural instincts. 3.) A myth. 4.) An unattainable idea agreed upon. 5.)The Holy Grail of marriage.

Pedestal: Where you place the one you love--The place of death in every relationship.

Romance: An imaginative state where the mind has free reign over all types of illogical thoughts and processes.

Sex: Fulfillment of a biological yearning, sometimes confused with a higher state. It is the ultimate act of encumbering. Sex begins as a dream and ends as a nightmare.

Sweetheart: 1.) A lover of less than six months. 2.) A pet name for a sexual plaything. 3.) A softening for asking for sex.

Valentine's Day: A cruel joke played upon the seeing, by the blind. A broad comedy preyed upon by actors on a small stage.

We Can Still Be Friends: The palliative given after the coldcocking. A salvo of arrogance. A demotion.

Wife: 1.) Victim; 2.) Grisette; 3.) Chattel

Author's Note

Just having fun.

Reviews

[Owl]

Heh, very clever.

The whole thing made me chuckle quite a bit, but I particularly liked your third definition of lust.

It's a pity that there is just so much romantic poetry out there, yet people don't seem to be so attached to satire like this. Though, I suppose that's why it's satire.

Anyway, great work.

[odhiambo]

honest and funny.i laughing out loud.

[RainyDay]

Hee hee hee, what a laugh. If only it wasn't so horribly true..

[Matthewtuckey]

Just the right level of angst. Not too bitter. Entertaining and well-written. All that's missing is an introduction telling us that this is how relationships work in the twenty-first century and a conclusion of some kind.

[LJW]

I am a Grisette. Cool.

Funny yet painfully true, although I won't admit to which definitions. :-)

Unique and nice to find here.

[W.k.kortas]

A worthy companion to Bitter Bierce; the piece, much like the image of Teddy Ballgame in the avatar, shows moxie and then some. This is wit in the classic sense of the word.