Untitled VII

It always happens, when you’re laying or sitting, or standing, doing nothing. You don't seem to hear the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the windows, or the ticking of a clock, the creaking of your house, or, even, most of all, the beating of your own heart. All you hear is silence. Silence that makes you go spiraling down a staircase, no one seems to notice. It lingers everywhere, every second of every day. No one ever sees it coming. Nobody but me for that matter… so I figured I would help people out and give them a little heads up. Everyone deserves to know. If it was up to me, I would have surely waited until the end of time for your heart to stop beating.  

You were special in more ways than one. Sometimes I watched you say not one sugar but two in a coffee shop, I’ve seen you laugh over a beer happier than life itself, and then walk home melancholy only hours later wondering about your own destiny. I’ve seen you go to bed staring at a bullet resting atop your dresser. You were sincere in your words, even though we’ve spoken only once in a small grocery store, and for this I knew you’d be the next one.  With my tongue in knots and heart pumping out industrial smog I made my way down your street and hovered in front of your door for nearly an hour before jamming a finger against the doorbell, again and again and again. You quickly swung the door open quickly catching it in your palm, and asked me if I was mental for continuously pressing the button but I squeamishly ducked back in defense and gave a short apology. You blew it off completely so I straightened up a bit and told you what I originally planned to say.

“You’re going to die.” The words sounded dull and pathetic coming off my tongue, but I couldn’t help that. It was just how I spoke. You stared at me with a look that could kill, so I improvised and shot back with a hearty laugh, nearly throwing myself to the ground. Catching your expression to twisted into something confused, but still you looked slightly amused by my show. I wish it was just a show. You asked again what it was I was doing, so I lied and explained a false situation about how the tail light on your car was out and it needed to be fixed within the next month.  You gave your thanks and quickly sent me on my way. So, that’s what I did. I left.

After a month of time you were still alive and well, so I knocked on your door and you opened, eyes red and tired from a long night I assumed. It was far earlier in the morning this time. You gave me a short look over and rubbed a hand across your tired face, asking me if I was there about the car. I shook my head no and just stared at you happily because you were alive, and it was going to be the last time I saw you alive. “You know, I only see people I know are going to die.” I said underneath my breath. You flinched back into your doorway a little, and then gave me that irritated narrow squint, asking me who I was. I ignored the question and turned away from your porch, not wanting to over extend my stay.

I won’t go into detail about it, but as I had said, you died. I wasn’t surprised by your reaction to my news, no one ever really believes me until it happens. The just go on without question, their brains shocked and subconscious swirling with information, trying to decode my little statement. I guess it’s not much of a heads up, but it will suffice until time says otherwise in my opinion. A shame no one sees it coming… if my killer politely walked to my door, and told me I was going to die, I would take better action. But, as I said before, no one can escape it, because nobody but me can see it coming.

Author's Note

This was an extremely experimental piece for me... but I purposely left out the description with this one. I was trying to create a story with a general theme without much description I guess? I really have no idea hahaha.

But... for a short little writing exercise to discipline myself into holding back detail this helped. I don't know, I hope you enjoyed it a least a little xx

Reviews

[TheSweet]

Definitely experimental, and I liked it, there's a fast paced style that you have which I quite like and I, personally, find easy to follow.

Though as a non-descriptive piece it does work well, and it's a cool little story at that - my main bit of constructive criticism (which I would likely throw at any piece like this that avoids description) is that exposition should still be as equally avoided - which is what your final paragraph is. In descriptions you are able to suggest and show things without telling the reader, but this is also very possible without descriptions. Particularly here you have a narrative voice, so you could employ some dialogue based suggestion instead... Something tactfully ambiguous, or being allegros to the beginning, perhaps? Food for thought, at least... :)

Anyway, it's not a bad little piece at all, I rather liked it overall, and it's certainly a good learning exercise. :)

[Robert Campbell]

This piece is good. You are a talented writer.