Day 139

“Geoff… you’re a boy. How do you know if you’re in love?” I gleaned, lounging across the couch he had in his office. Looking above his glasses he shook his head and started reading something from a book I would never take the time to remember the name of.

“Why does this matter Isabelle? You were just telling me about your job and how much anxiety it brought you being a event photographer. What does love have to do with anything?” He was in a foul mood today. His eyes were heavy, bags circling underneath. I sighed and let a moment of silence pass as I listened to the rain splat against his large interior windows.  I took my fingers and neatly traced around my jugular hearing Geoff stir about something in his book.

"If this has anything to do with your mysterious man you’d rather leave unnamed, then you’re an idiot. Just because you find someone to be significantly attractive doesn’t mean you’re in love. Besides-”

“Geoff. When was the last time you were in love? When was the last time you felt nothing but pure joy from simply looking into the face of another person? Exuberance? Pure freedom, all because you can look at someone and know everything is going to be okay, hm?” My tone of voice was starting to stretch into a bit of a snarky setting. I found my fingers gripping the edge of the cushions furiously and my brow was furrowed. Dr. Geoff gave me a serious look as the ends of his glasses slipped down onto the edge of his nose. We met one another at eye level for a brief moment before  he exhaled, refusing to give me another look. I tried my hardest to release the fabric trapped within my hands but they refused to soften. My veins were slightly more visible and my body was nearly taken aback by the amount of rage spreading across my very being.

“You know what, Isabelle? I do remember the last time I was in love. I do remember the feelings, the exasperation, the inescapable bouts of emotion brought by separation. I remember it all. But you know what you don’t know? You don’t know what’s like to have it all end suddenly. To have that person taken from you. The feeling is gone, there’s no more joy, no more smiles, no sunny mornings and late nights. There’s nothing left but a sick empty space and a thick throbbing knot of pity and sadness.” Geoff hadn't raised his voice, he hadn’t changed his tone, and he hadn’t taken his eyes away from mine the entire time he spoke.

Swallowing hard my dry throat burned and stung as I tried to search for the proper words to defend my case. I broke the uncomfortable stare and searched the floor for nothing in particular. As my lips tightened together I brushed my tongue against the inner flesh before giving him one more look over, the words pushed out of my mouth too quickly for me to actually remember saying anything at all.

“Geoff… why can’t you just be happy for me?” I tried to argue but there was no use.

“Because,” he straightened his glasses and gave me a more proper look, hands grazing a small pile of papers resting along the edge of his desk. “you’re not happy with yourself. Why be happy for someone, who can’t really be happy herself?”