#003 I Found A Dog And His Name Isn't Ferdinand

How do you tell a boy you don’t believe in God, when you’ve grown up force feeding it down his throat for the extent of his life? How do you tell him his Mother ditched and isn’t coming back despite what his father told him? How to you explain to him that those bruises were actually from times I let our father beat blue me because it was the only way I could save him?

You don’t.  You don’t rip off a bandage like that until the time is right, and all the wound has been healed… but even then you can’t always prevent a scar can you?

Casimir was nothing like me. He walked away from that car accident with minor injuries, a new best friend and a vow of near silence to hide whatever emotions he was feeling. Sitting in the car on the ride home from the hospital for the very first time I thought I was going to swallow my tongue, choke, and then throw it all back up within moments of taking a seat. Gripping the door handle securely I leaned fully against the warm window and tried not to think about the voice that lingered in my brain.

Unlike Casimir, I took on the full damage from that car accident(which I wasn’t too disappointed in. I’d rather myself than him) and traumatized myself in the process. Feeling the wheels of the car underneath tred against the bumpy road I flinched back further into my seat and tightened my seat belt with my free hand. I  caught a glimpse of my aunt looking at me but refused to say anything on my behalf.  My body was heavily medicated and my brain was groggy, my leg was still in a cast and boot, my shoulder had a metal rod going through it, and my heart was nearly torn in two. I wasn't in the mood to talk to her.

“The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round... the wheels on the bus go-”

“Casimir, would you-”

“Ferdinand,” my aunt caught me. I grimaced slowly and held my tongue. Having her around meant foul language of any kind, even more so towards Casimir, wasn’t to be tolerated or permitted.  She was like our mother in that way. She only wished for good vibes and pleasant words from anyone she came across, no matter what their current situation. I squeezed my eyes shut and exhaled slowly feeling my stomach start to knot once again. “Calm calm, it’ll only be a few more minutes Ferdinand.” She tried to sound reassuring but I could tell she was far too tired and jetlagged to do a suitable job. “You should sing with him hm? It’d be a nice change of pace.” she giggled as the car jerked around another turn. As Casimir continued to sing louder, she herself decided to join in.

Ferdinand, you’re already in hell. Stop wishing for it.

There was that infamous voice again.

I grunted and tried to adjust myself as she finally pulled into the driveway. I swung her car door open hard and nearly threw myself onto the pavement in praise. Throwing my crutches down hard I waited a moment and examined my situation before heaving my leg over the seat and onto the ground. Pressing hard on my good leg I struggled to bring myself to a stand-my arms still shaky- and waited for my Aunt to assist me.

“You shouldn't rush things Freddy… You’ll just make them worse.”

She's lying. You know it. She doesn’t know anything about you.

I gave her a keen look in wonder, hoping there wasn’t some underlying statement within those words, but she dismissed it completely. Casimir had already ran inside at that point so I used this brief moment to speak with her.

“Why didn’t you come visit when Dad left hmm?” I snapped defensively. “Why didn’t you come visit when mom,  your sister, walked out on us and left us to fend for ourselves? Why didn't you say anything about the bruises that accumulated on my face?” She squeezed a hand around my bicep as she tried to help me balance. “I don’t want you here Sylva. You haven’t done anything to help us. What makes you think you can just suddenly clean your slate and everything will get better now?” I tensed my body and painfully jerked my arm away from her grasp. She stared at me with a puzzled look, but kept quiet. “Just leave us alone alright? We don’t need you.” I stammered. Wobbling slightly I managed to pull away from her fully and get to the front door. Casimir was standing there quietly giving me a strange passive look.

“What?” I said defensively, making my way past him into the house. He didn’t say anything and just followed me into the living room. I threw my crutches onto the floor and fell against the couch, leaving my wounded leg to hand off the edge. Casimir took it upon himself to climb ontop of me and sit without any regards to mtg bruises. He did so while staring solely at the blank TV screen. I was going to protest because this was what stressed Casimir looked like;puffy eyes with bags underneath and slow movements. He didn’t need anymore rage coming out of me that day.

You don’t want him here either do you?

“Casimir what the hell are you doing?” I grumbled just loud enough for him to hear. My voice was hoarse and muffled by the pillow but filled with rage nonetheless. His weight only added more pressure to my pained back, but I wasn’t going to protest against it. Anything to get my Aunt to leave me be for a little while was good enough for me.

“I want to watch Shrek.”

“Then watch Shrek?” I scoffed.

“Well… it’s Saturday. I don’t watch Shrek on Saturday. I watch Shrek on Sundays after Church but-”

“Casimir, don’t watch Shrek then. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon so don’t get so messed up about it alright? Jeex, we can watch it tomorrow.” I murmured at the thought of Church. I hadn’t been since the accident, and Pastor John had in fact sent me a Get Well card with the words “Hope To See You Soon.” written across the bottom of it.

“So you’ll go to Church with me tomorrow then?” his voice was a bit excited at that point. I twisted my neck and gave the clock a quick look. 9:23pm.

“Yes Casimir,” the words sounded like a forced moan. “I’ll go with you tomorrow. Just wake me up an hour early okay?” I exhaled sourly. I need to make myself presentable this time. Something in me needed to show the gossiping people that I was still worthy of their company, even if I had fucked up one to many times. I needed to show myself everything was going to be okay. Casimir rolled off of me and disappeared into the kitchen to grab something to eat as my Aunt walked in. I could feel her burning stare but tried not to let it get to me.

“Hey Casimir..” she had been crying I could tell. “Do you want to sleep with me tonight? I have a story to tell you.” she was tapping her fingers rampantly against the countertop. I heard the closing of the fridge and twisted around to see if I could read some type of body language between the two of them.

“Mmm no thanks.” Casimir said lightly. He walked over to the counter on his toes and set down the orange juice. My Aunt lowered her eyes and sighed. “I want to sleep in my own room today. I think I can handle.” he said with a determined look. Staring hard at the orange cup he had placed on the counter he gripped the sides of the carton hard and slowly tried to pour himself some juice-- but managed to hit everywhere but the cup. I propped myself up on my elbows and stared into the kitchen curiously noticing the disappointment spread across Casimirs face.

“I think you’ll be fine.”  I chimed in not wanting him to throw a fit. He flashed me a short look and gave the cup another determined look. He would be fine for a night. He wasn’t accustomed to sleeping alone after our parents had left but it was something he would have to ween into eventually. For once I wasn’t in the mood to have him in my room either.

He’s not going to be alright. I bit down hard on my tongue and dismissed the fowl words completely. Hurling myself onto my feet I slowly hopped into the kitchen without my crutches and grabbed a rag to wipe up his mess. "Aunt Sylva," I paused. She brightened a bit at the sound of her name and got ready to speak  "knows you can do it too. But you don't have to rush things."

"I know but I need to this time." he said between gulps of orange juice. Sylva smiled at patted his head.

"Says who?" she argued playfully, but Casimir took it seriously.

"God."