#002: You’re A Pathetic Swine Without Her

“Ferdinand can I draw on your leg?” Casimir said sheepishly sitting at the end of my hospital bed. I tried to steady out my breathing but there wasn’t much I could do. The pain was too much for me. My head was swimming with thought and it was quickly drowning out anything logical. I tensed my chest and my arms slowly and braced myself for another trembling fit but it came to pass faster than I had originally envisioned. “Yeah buddy… draw whatever you want.” I muttered quietly. My tongue was hoarse and bruised. Casimir gave me a short grin and came alive with energy. He grabbed at the assorted markers and pens and started to draw nothing but rainbows, balloons and trucks on the extent of my leg. Casimir kept flashing me hearty looks but I tried to ignore them. He was certainly happier than anyone else his age who’d gone through a car accident.

“Ferdinand.” he said sharply breaking the silence. Slightly started by the genuine concern in his voice I flashed him a look and sat up a bit straighter.

“Hm?”

“God saved my life.” he said triumphantly scribbling nonsense letters on my cast. I stared down at the A’s and C’s briefly before letting a hand wipe across my face smoothly. Casimir gave me a sweet look and leaned back against the protective railing lightly, digging through the bag of markers. I heaved myself upwards slowly not wanting to set off another monstrous migraine and reached out for him. He tried to protest but quickly saw my distress and gave in. I smirked boldly and locked him securely underneath my torn shoulder, ruffling his bright hairs.

“Oh yeah? How’d he do that?” I said trying to not give way to my very real sarcasm. He gave a short shrug at the thought and then looked up at me. “I asked him too. He saved me and you.” I grabbed at his sides quickly and started tickling him fiercely in hopes of disbanding the conversation altogether. “Ferdinand stop!” he choked out between laughing fits. I smiled deeply and pulled myself away from him feeling pain start to assemble underneath the deep staples in my arm.

He’s right you know? I jumped at the thought as it popped into my head. Slowly laying back against the cushions I watched Casimir play with the bag of markers, throwing them around and onto the floor as he spoke. “I asked him to make sure mommy would know too. I asked him to save you. To save daddy--”

“Casimir..” I stopped myself. He was only halfway listening but I knew anything I said would linger for days in his skull. “Thank you for that.” I smiled. “I really appreciate it.”

God really appreciates it too. There was that voice again.

“God really does you know.” it was a female voice actually. Throwing my vision towards the doorway Sally was standing quietly giving Casimir a deep compassionate smile. I couldn’t help but return it, even though it wasn’t directed towards me. “So you’re very brave for doing that Casimir.” she said lightly taking a seat next to the bed. Casimir gave a short giggle of excitement and started pointing to the drawings on my leg, and began telling Sally about the kind of cars he liked and how rainbows were nothing more than bending light. She was very good at entertaining children. She brightened her eyes and gasped each time he showed her a new drawing. She praised him for his efforts and made sure to listen in on everything he was saying without question.

Just like our mother did.

“Casimir, would you go get me an apple please?” I begged. He flashed me a childish scowl, slowly stuffing his markets back into the plastic baggy.

“That’d be nice of you Casimir! Do you think you’re big enough to get me one too?” Sally said lightly giving him a deep grin. He smiled at her and threw his arms out for a hug. She hugged him back tightly and swung him onto the ground, letting him disappear down the hall. Sally slid her seat closer to my end of the bed and exhaled lightly handing me a glass of water and some pills. I gave a faux smile and swallow them quickly. The pills scraped hard against my burning throat but it wasn’t anything unusual to me. I had been forcing myself to do it for nine days and counting now.

Sally leaned back in her chair and charted any changes in my monitors--thought there was never any and offered me a brief smile. I hated sitting in silence with her around so I always tried my hand at starting the conversation. “Nice outfit.” I gave a toothy smile but she hadn’t given any sort of reaction. Letting my self esteem drop my heart slowly started to palpitate nervously. Calm down. She’ll see it. I tried to tell myself but there was no use. Eventually I was laughing hysterically at the fact she COULD see my heart was starting to race.

“You know you and your brother are something else.” she started with a short smile after watching my heart monitor. She gently set down the clipboard of papers and turned to finally greet me with the same smile she’d given Casimir. “You two are both stubborn in your own ways.” she sounded as if she’d known us our entire lives. “In this past week you’ve both argued over nothing and cried over everything. Not at the same time no.. but I’ve witnessed it.” she exhaled, letting her hand slowly trace the bruises on my arms. I didn’t dare flinch away from her touch because I knew I’d regret it in the end.

“It’s quite interesting. You two have no one, but your bond is so strong it doesn’t matter. You two are good for each other Mr. Watson.” she giggled.

“I know. I’ve heard that my entire life.” I joked lightly letting my head rest against my pillows. My head was slowly starting to swell with pain but I tried to ignore it by pinching at the bridge of my nose.

“All the female nurses who’ve come to visit you think so too. They’ve all grown attached to your smile it seems.” she shot back at me heartfully releasing her own dainty form of a giggle. My heart slowly started to race once again but there was no use in stopping it. She was a catch, and she knew it.

“Thank you Sally.”

“So then,” she chewed on the inside of her lip. At this point she was leaning over the side of my bed, elbows pressed firmly against the mattress and her lips were only inches away from my cheek. I could feel the calming rhythm of her breathing as she exhaled hot air onto my face. She traced my facial features with her bright eyes as I often did with her, and then looked away to scan my bruises. “Tell me what you remember before your accident. What led up to the initial crashing of the car?” she sounded as if she was marching into dangerous territory and didn’t want to get shot.

I stopped caring months ago.

“Sally.” I said sternly. “Why do you care?” I said almost aggressively. She didn’t pull away from me or anything, she simply kept her eyes averted from my own. Lifting myself against my elbows I grumbled. She gave me a short shrug and pulled away from my bed. Straightening up she gave a quick nod and smoothed out her scrubs, heading towards the door.

“Mr. Watson-”

“Ferdinand!” Casimir came charging through the doorway. Nearly knocking into Sally he stumbled back against the door and offered her a sheepish grin. In his hands he was carry two cups; one with orange juice, another with water. Then underneath his armpits he was carrying a bag of chips, a sandwich and three candy bars. Sally smiled at him, ruffled his hair, and then left without saying another word. I groaned quietly and watched Casimir throw the food onto the bed. He dug a deep grin into his cheeks and started to clap lightly admiring the food he had brought me.

“Casimir..” I exhaled grabbing at the apple juice.

“Hey! That’s mine!” he barked. I smirked and took a long sip from the styrofoam cup before giving him a cheers. “Ferdinand!”

“Eh, Casimir. Thank you for the juice I really appreciate it.” I smirked, shoving him away as he tried to topple me. Taking another big gulp I set the cup down next to my bed and smiled lightly watching him rip open a candy bar aggravatedly. “This will suffice considering you forgot to get me an apple, hm?” I smirked. He gave me a puzzled look but refused to do anything more about it. Laying back against my pillows I exhaled roughly and felt another jab to my side.

“Casimir, what the hell?”

S**t.

“Ferdinand, you’re not supposed to use that word like that…” I saw the despair in his eyes but refused to do anything about it. “Ferdinand, Sally didn’t look happy. Should I go talk to her?” he smiled. “Yesterday she said I could talk to her about anything, and that she was happy you and I were so close. So maybe she can I can become close God-”

“Casimir, I swear…” I exhaled.

“She also said she’d teach me how to read y'know? You’re not very good at it so she said she’d help me!” he clapped his hands together, smearing chocolate across his face. I smirked and leaned over slowly to wipe his cheek. Casimir was something else. “But Dad would say I didn’t need to push reading.. it’d come when I was ready…” he said with a slight frown, stuffing more chocolate into his mouth. “But, I don’t-”

“Don’t speak while you’re talking Cass…” he gave me a short smile and turned to stare at my leg once again. Mentioning our father turned me nothing but sour. He had left us long before he had diagnosed, whether he knew it or not. Casimir didn’t seem to notice. Or if he did, he was doing a mighty fine job at hiding it.”Hey buddy, what do you remember from before the accident happened?” I said curiously. I kept my eyes covered in fear my headaches returning. I felt him straightened himself on the bed and then his bright eyes stare directly at my face.

“I don’t know.” I heard the shrug in his tone. “I just remember leaving the service. I remember being angry but I don’t know why… one of the nurses told me to try and think hard but it hurt my head. I just got mad. I didn’t like it.” he sounded a bit flustered as he smoke but quickly pulled himself together later on. “I’m happy though, because we’re both okay. I don’t know why we wouldn’t be” he shrugged again. “but I’m just glad we are. God told me to be happy Ferdinand.”

Casimir had clearly found his happiness, so where was mine?

* * *

I had broken clean through the bone in my calf and managed three other fractures, as well as a hairline fracture in my foot and big toe. The ripped muscle tendons in my leg only added on to the list of serious damaged I sustained. My arms were black and blue, I had a concussion, chronic headaches had arose, it was as if my body was shutting down and I had no choice but to let it. I was heavily drugged on all sorts of pain medication and forced into group psychiatric care in the hospital as a type of coping for my injuries and potential trauma.

Though worst of all was my inability to walk.

Rolling my way through the eerie hospital halls I tried my best to steer my wheelchair but it was nowhere near as easy as people made it seem. Eventually I had met my maker and to get a nurse to direct me down the hall and into the elevator. I simply didn't have the strength to push the wheels anymore. I trembled and twitched anytime I tried to exert a formidable force through my arms which was a hassle when trying to do anything that involved excessive use of your hands. The doctor said I could have potentially sustained nerve damage to my brain, particularly my motor skills and a cat scan was required.

Casimir liked to accompany me my physical therapy sessions whenever his new "primary" care giver, Sally, was nowhere to be found for the evening. He had been given permission-- scratch that, I was legally obligated to pass over some legal right over him, to have him stay in a more suitable childhood environment with a dependable and efficient caretaker until I was able to stand on my own two feet without assistance. I had a say as to who he could stay with, but my voice was only a whisper compared to Casimirs direct wishes.

Not to mention my inability to put up a real argument.

had no choice but to agree; with some relief in mind that it was the beautiful nurse. The hospital was no place for a child of his age and nature to be running around in. I knew he was tired of it as well.

He had stopped drawing on my new caste and telling me stories about scientific discoveries and cars. He eventually had stopped speaking altogether aside from the respectable phrases like "No ma'am" and "Yes sir." Sometimes even asking for something he couldn't obtain himself.

But that was rare.

Though he always gave a smile whenever he saw me struggle and "pitch a fit at God" as he called it whenever I let my temper get the better of me while trying to revamp my old range of motion in my leg.

Which I can't blame him for.

“Casimir do you think I’m going to do better today?” would be my usual question simply because it would always bring a tight smile to his face. He should shrug and nod his head slowly, refusing to make eye contact in fear of letting a laugh slip. I would nudge his side as the elevator doors opened and we strolled into the gym. Letting my eyes wander around the facility I gave a weak smile to everyone already using the equipment, as the nurse settled me in to my designated area. She asked if I needed anything while I waited but I said no and she disappeared. Casimir took a seat on a bench and kicked his feet through the air boredly, eyeing the other people. Rolling myself over to the side bar I rolled up my sleeves and wrapped my fingers tightly around the metal bar. Feeling the muscles in my biceps and chest start to strain I heaved myself out of my chair, and tried my best at balancing on my useable foot.

“Ferdinand I don’t think-”

“Shut up Casimir.” I snapped. He shrunk away quietly and swung his feet harder through the air. I raised my shoulders high and squeezed down hard on the icy metal bar. Looking down at the other end I tightened my jaw and applied a little bit of pressure on the mess that was my leg.

Nothing. I felt nothing… and just like that I came crashing down. My useful leg buckled underneath me and I felt a surge of pain traveling from my leg to my shoulder in only a moments notice. I felt pain in my chest as I tried to control my nervous breathing but there wasn’t much I could do about it. My head was already throbbing and the only thing in my head was You fucked up. repeating over and over again. I subdued to a loud groan and rolled over onto my good side quickly, facing a small number of people who had their eyes on me from a distance. Without having to ask Casimir had gotten out of his seat with pure discontent and ran over to the nearest nurse he could find.

Within a matter of moments, Sally was lifting me to a standing position and pushing me back down into my wheelchair. Great. Just the person I wanted to see. She gave me a startle look that quickly coiled into a thick smirk and made sure I was settled into my chair as Casimir ran over. He didn’t say anything, which was to be expected, but he just smiled at Sally.

So I smiled back for his sake.

“Casimir, could you go fetch me your brothers medicine bag?” he nodded and bolted across the room to go grab her purse. I tried to conceal my pain but there wasn’t much use. It showed through my fake smile more than my irritation did. “Ferdinand we got in touch with your aunt and explained everything that happened, and she has agreed to keep watch over Casimir while you’re in the hospital.” I felt my jaw tighten as I gripped the leather strapping on the arm of my wheelchair. Casimir handed Sally the bag and she started to rummage through for my pain medications.

“Casimir, Aunt Sylva is coming to look over you.” I tried my best at a real smile. He stared briefly before letting his excitement grow on his face. I slowly let out a relieved breath and covered my eyes. “Sally,” my voice cracked as I tried to rummage through the voices on my tongue.”I am sorry.” I winced feeling something sharp jab into my upper thigh. I heard her release a short giggle which I assumed was to accommodate the pain of my injection, as well as the pain inside my s**t apology. Uncovering my face she fixed a brief smile and placed her hand on my shoulder, and then quickly tapped her fingers against my pale cheek.

“ Don’t worry about it.”