The Drive

 

"Right, get up."

"Why, where are we going?"

I watch him stand and turn, waiting for me.

"Alright..." I mumble

and wipe the moss from my jeans.

I stub my cig out

and we walk back to the car.

The sky is dark blue and it will soon become black

but I embrace the suns retire and I breathe in the colours of the sky.

"Where are we going?"

"The night is young, and so are we."

The drive into the city was the feeling of content,

the windows down, the biting wind.

The music was loud and ugly,

so ugly it was beautiful

and we started to sing.

I watch the streetlights

and I think about them stuck there,

watching us pass in this car.

I would be envious if I were not in this seat

and I had to watch this feeling of content

upon somebody else's face.

 

Author's Note

Not sure about the last paragraph- I think it's too long, any thoughts on this would be very appreciated!

Reviews

[Oberon Duke]

Really dig the rebelliousness of this. I felt the atmosphere from your excellent descriptions. It brings back happy memories for me. Also, I'd say leave that "f****n'" right where it is, it sets the tone perfectly from the start.

It should be "but I embrace the sun's retire," you're missing the apostrophe. I didn't notice anything other than that grammatically. The flow is a bit off in some places, but with some minor reworking I think it'll be smooth as glass. :)

Thanks for posting!

[Alex]

Thank you! I'm really glad you got the atmosphere from the piece, that is really flattering.
Wow it is rare to get that response from a swear word on here, I mostly get attacked by elders for it haha!
Thanks for the help, I will change that now-
appreciated as always :)

[Roshan Nair]

I think I liked the last stanza the best honestly!
Its a very descriptive piece about how we take each day, and you've beautifully paid attention to the little things and conversations..even mundane maybe to some.. and detailed them here.
Great work and imagery! :)

[Alex]

Thank you, I'm very glad!
Yes!! The mundane parts of life are the best in my opinion, its awesome you understood the piece so well.
Thanks for the review :)

[Saddam]

Speaking words...............................
Beautifully done friend.

[Alex]

Thank you for your kind review SSADD!

[Laura Lynn]

I wonder about the story behind the poem and the details. Of course, in that sense, I personally do not feel the last paragraph is too long.

[Alex]

Wow thanks Laura! I'm glad it made you wonder- that's awesome to hear. Thank you for your thoughts- the last paragraph is growing on me now! Much appreciated as always.

[Jesse Booker]

I enjoyed this one very much! You did an excellent job of conveying a felling of freedom and even a hint of rebellion. Good job!

[Alex]

Yes to freedom and rebellion!! I'm glad you liked it, thank you so much for your kind review!

[The Twin Arenas]

last stanza is good, but you should work on the flow. fifth line needs more in it, I think. It's a lonesome line, but because of the subject matter it could still balance with everything else as well as maintain all by itself-ness.

[Alex]

Yes I agree, I had difficulty with the fluency at the end. Thank you for your help!!

[Chain of Hearts]

As brezybaby3 said) I think that the cuss word at the start sortof gave a little of a 'eh' start. But the rest is very good, I love where you said, 'loud and ugly- so ugly that it was beautiful, and we started to sing.' I just love that phrase-so beautifully poetic!
Keep on writing!
-LK

[Alex]

Thank you- I'm glad those lines stood out for you! Yes I think I will change the start abit. Thanks again for you kind words and thoughts on this piece!

[Chain of Hearts]

no probs :) keep on writing!

[brezybaby3]

This brings back some very good memories of my teen years. It's good. I like all of it except the cuss word. that almost made me stop reading. I like the rebellious doing it my way attitude of the poem.
Great job.

[Alex]

Thanks! Yeah sorry about that, I'm glad you didn't stop reading though. I am happy you got the rebellious side of the piece, that's awesome! Thanks again for your thoughts and kindness- much appreciated :)

[brezybaby3]

Your welcome. Keep writing. Your good.

[Rene Salinas]

A piece of time, a fraction of Life. I could see you while I read the writing, going over to Portishead or thereabouts just driving. "Shut up and drive" sort of attitude. A moment of freedom, the night is young and so are we! City life reflects back becoming something. So imbued the feeling that "is a new dawn it's a new day it's a new life for me" right here right now and I'm feeling good.

Thank You!

[Alex]

Wow thanks Rene! Yes, I love your thoughts on this- and I love Portishead haha! I am really happy you felt the City life and the 'in the moment' images throughout the piece, that means a lot. Young and carefree eh? Thanks again for your lovely review and your time and effort! :)

[Rene Salinas]

Once upon a time if I may wind the clock back long enough just to share I saw Portishead in Portishead that's how old I am..... I'm only about 45 min away give and take ..... No worries mate.

[Alex]

Haha, age is just a number! Yeah we both live in Gloucestershire, do you know where Thornbury is? I live just outside of it, we're practically neighbours!

[Rene Salinas]

Probably and practically your grandfather as well. (reaches for the walking stick)

[Alex]

Haha! All the more experience, all the more enriched writing!

[wordman]

lagraph blended rght in a gret wrte inresting

[Alex]

I'm glad it worked for you! Thank you for your kind review- much appreciated!

[wordman]

you are welcome,great write