Until the Sun Sings [Again]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sputters and flutters

Around the almond-like wood

Slowly lifts my eyelids

 

Even the moon has departed

Having collected all the glitter

Admiring his tainted elegance

 

And the black blanket

rocking my boat

Has kept the horizon a secret

 

I have mistaken it for pride

But the sea was only coy

 

And so it breathed to the angels

A few that have eluded from

the moon's sliver throne

 

Blue and white and violet stars

surfacing with the humming whale

To guide me through the fears

As I unsurely sail

Until the dusk clears

 

Strumming a silent melody

that sailors disdain

 

Until the sun is reborn

to sing my story -again-

 

 

 

Author's Note

Whadya think? Comments and reviews are appreciated.

Reviews

[Time Crosser]

Lovely. Great use of imagery here. I like how you keep it dark, not letting us in on too much. You managed to describe where you are in this point in your life, how it translates your position and how you feel without literally mentioning what it IS that your going through. I must say, what beautiful imagery.
I do feel a slight tone of loneliness, "not so sureness" and dreariness in your expressions, but i also see sparks of hope and can sense an up beat vibe.
This was really a delightful read.
Bravo.

[Rikkevi Rue]

I think you are one with the waves, and the pulse of the Sea is laced through your heart and flows in your blood, which bubbles to the surface and effuses your ink with a magical thalassic touch. I love the breathtaking beauty and the fearsome raw power of the Ocean, actually any sizable or energy filled body of water, though the sea is the greatest. It calls to the sailor in each of us, and you have captured that aura in this piece. I felt transported and drawn into the experience as I read you piece, and that my friend is the definition of art, for you evoked an emotional response and impelled me to contribute of my own experience as I read your piece. You write well and should exploit the gift!

[Jeff]

Amazing piece. You spun an excellent poem.

[Japanese Cherry]

wonderfully written. you have great talent. I enjoyed reading it and loved the imagery that you used... pictures were painted clearly in my mind.

[YouoweYoupay]

THANKS. What an uplifting review! I like your display picture by the way. : )

[Japanese Cherry]

your very welcome ^_^ and btw: my display picture is of the gazette's bassist Reita

[YouoweYoupay]

Who is Reita? A character from a story?? The name sounds doesn't sound familiar.

[Japanese Cherry]

Oh, no, uh, The Gazette is a japanese rock band... I have a video of them on my page... Reita is their bassist

[kaylynnmelody♥]

great! all of your writing is abouselty amazing in my eyes!

[Morning Star]

Your words captured a stunning vividness and imagery
I like dark poetry I especially like this piece for I found it to be interesting
And it tells the reader the stage you find yourself in life
Fantastic writing hugsss :)

[Dante Balsote]

Whoah! You have matured as a writer. I see, I see! Hmm...There are a few technical difficulties I want to ask though:

"And so it breathed to the angels
A few that have eluded from
the moon's sliver throne"

A few what?

And, "strumming" can be changed to "I strum" to introduce eliminate any impression that the tense of the poem is "hanging" and proper use of long dashes should be observed:

"I strum a silent melody
that sailors disdain

Until the sun is reborn
to sing my story--again"

However I believe the line can stand even without the long dash.

[M.Babu]

This was as vivid as a HD dream :D
"Blue and white and violet stars
surfacing with the humming whale
To guide me through the fears
As I unsurely sail
Until the dusk clears"

Well phrased and the direction was subtle and pleasant. Superb imagery and strong diction. Enough to make any poem good, if you ask me.

Thanks for sharing.

~M.Babu~

[M Garcia]

liked this a lot

[Kiri Nells]

Fantastic imagery! I absolutely loooove this piece of art! Great write, my friend. You have an awesome talent shown here. :) Thanks for having me take a look!

[PaperDoll]

My favourite lines were

"I have mistaken it for pride
But the sea was only coy"

Wonderful imagery, and liked the way you kept it vague. This was a poem of things which were only inferred. Such subtlety is rare. Well done. :)