Cotton Candy and Gravel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cotton Candy and Gravel

 

 

I've cheated

My feet thrusting against

The pebbles of the crumpling cliff

Before my heart cries against me

Defying the frosty air

Eyes closed and senses

Peeled and polished

So that I can clearly see

 

I'm falling

And the voices of the downhill ghosts

Beckon yet another unfortunate soul

 

Unfortunate. Maybe

Shaking hands with a Shadow

And swapping the kind, soft grey days

For the luscious spectrum of a utopia he reflected

In the glass frame of my sight

 

I'm falling

Faster than the rain

And more furious

Than the electric blue thunder

 

I'm falling

In my hand I had painfully clutched

A worn out silver eye frame

With a fading blue pupil

The more rapidly I dive down

The colder my fingertips freeze

But the silver eye is melting

And I am beginning to forget

what it once symbolized

 

I'm falling

Now what to believe

Now where to tumble and decease

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is beautiful for the moment

Despite the anxiety

The serenity of seeing nothing

But fog and grey-sprinkled cream white

The slight rays of the ancient dead sun

Seeping through

Like a cotton candy

That has slipped off

Small baby-skin palms

Smudged by street gravel

And the child's tears

 

I'm falling

My breath evading

Tearing away from me

But my hate

Still trickling in streams

around my forehead

Stitched into a crown of karma

That makes my limbs quiver

Sickens the pit of my stomach

A crown of thorns, needles,

And the flesh I impatiently tore off

Your neck with my bare teeth.

Author's Note

*Image(1): Dream about falling down
*By ~bucz
*Link: http://bucz.deviantart.com/art/Dream-about-falling-down-62582604?q=boost%3Apopular%20falling%20into%20the%20dark&qo=9

*Image(2): Cotton Candy
*By ~Missmidnight666
*Link: http://missmidnight666.deviantart.com/art/Cotton-Candy-128886396?q=boost%3Apopular%20cotton%20candy%20cloud&qo=17

Reviews

[Brook]

"A crown of thorns, needles
And the flesh I impatiently tore off
Your neck with my bare teeth."

That ending is probably my favorite part. It's so intense, and contrasts so much and so beautifully with the mostly dreamy mood of the rest of the poem. A very nice complement to the rest of it, like a dark, twisty punchline. Nice job with that.

[YouoweYoupay]

Thank you, Atael. What a beautiful review. Appreciated. I'm glad you stopped by my page. Please, come again. : )

[Brook]

I'll certainly do that :) I reopened my RRs so hopefully I'll be doing more reviewing and I'm trying to come back from a long hiatus and do some writing!

[TL Boehm]

I'm falling
Faster than the rain
And more furious
Than the electric blue thunder

I think that part is my favorite, but the entire poem is intense and well written.

[M Garcia]

liked this a lot

[A.E. Surdam]

Very deep. I enjoyed reading your dream. :)

[Dante Balsote]

Suggested revision of the first line:

I'm stumbling,
My feet thrusting against
The crumbling cliff
That is crying against me.
Eyes closed and senses peeled,
I can clearly see.


Tips: Every word must have something to say. What did you mean by "I've cheated"? It has no relevance to your other words and so does not help in developing the imagery (dreamy image). Pebbles can be omitted; it is already suggested by the word "crumbling". Crumpling suggests that the one "crumpling" the cliff has enough force to make a cliff collapse as in "crumpling a paper" but you cannot realistically crumple a cliff. So the proper word is "crumbling". "Eyes closed and senses peeled" is poetic, but this is nullified by "...and polished so that I can clearly see." Rather clever way of exploiting a contradictory state (eyes closed but is able to see) but very awkward. Why not make the reader think for himself how you can see with your eyes closed? Thus, "eyes closed, senses peeled, I can see," is a very nice revision of the statement. A similar method can be done with the other lines. Your works has a future. Keep writing.

[Rodney Russ]

Very dreamlike. The end line is great.

[hannahspelledbackwards]

"I'm falling
Faster than the rain
And more furious
Than the electric blue thunder"
This is so incredibly deep. I love this so much. Despite that I write long poems, when I see a poem that is long I usually just disregard it. But your first three lines captivated me and drew me in. I really enjoyed this piece. You have a gift

[PaperDoll]

Awesome. The whole thing did indeed feel like falling. I could almost feel it in my stomach. :)

[An owl on the moon]

Everything works like magic.. Your intriguing title.. that chosen image.. the stunning word choice that pounds into the mind... Brilliant phrasing and imagery that is hard to forget.. We fell with you.

[Morning Star]

WOW I like this write very very much
it goes beyond depth to an eerie excellence
Visual descriptive of this dream are fantastic
Awesome write Hugssss-----Yolie