Song of the Sea (Inspired by Bubo)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Song of the Sea

 

 

 

After my last sighs drift away and you fail to see my brown eyelashes quiver as the angels of daylight sprawl and stretch gently across the mist.

 

After my papercut hand falls by the flowers, which I do not know by the name, of white and yellow sweet smelling petals  you placed below my pillow.

 

After my mind bids goodnight and my heart complies, gradually slowing down, the crimson it impels resting in my vessels, congealing, the chill budding in the fabric of my skin.

 

After my spirit breathes to the surface and I become a foreigner without a voice or eyes that frown, smile, and talk or a heated tangible skin.

 

As I lay in my bed, appearing yet similar to those who are living, the long curls of light hair falling about my tranquil features, the sleeves of my pure white cloth slightly loose around one shoulder, and my cool summer sheets twisted and warped between my uncovered legs.

 

Do not scream or weep too loud, for I will still hear every murmur. Do not undress me or enfold me in neat cerement. Do not bury me in a constricted wooden coffin. I fear the dark and I dread the wretchedness of the earth underneath.

 

Carry me quietly to the shore.

Leave me on the sun freckled moist sand.

Near the seashells and pretty-shaped smoothed pebbles.

Where the sea speckled with bitter salt tickles my toes and makes me giggle, even when I look asleep on the surface, as the tips of my fingers slowly cease and crumple into dust.

 

Do not weep for too long.

Do not say I have died.

Do not bury me.

For I shall be someday kindly awaken by the singing of the sea, slowly approaching to whisper to m y essence and retreating back to await my unhurried reincarnation. 

 

Author's Note

I appreciate comments and corrections. Thanks for taking a look.

*Image by: *DemonMathiel
*Link: http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=§ion=&q=pure+blue+sea#/d21k0lo

Reviews

[Geralyn Miller]

YES! While I have no fears of dark or burial, I always thought it was a waste to bury an empty package, for this body will no longer be the holder of my spirit, it is so much worthless dross to be discarded.
Have you ever heard the Hopi prayer: When you awaken in the morning hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die."
Your poem is so beautiful and speaks to me in so many ways.

[Dante Balsote]

(-)
1. "by the name" should be "by name".
2. the clause, "of white and yellow sweet smelling petals/you placed below my pillow" is dangling.
3. "foreigner in stanza four can be changed to "stranger" with a totally different connotation but i think is more fitting in the context (though i understand that the author might have a strong philosophical attraction to the word "foreigner" if you have read one of her writeup, "power to the people")
4. "heated tangible skin" is confusing. every skin is tangible, and a heated skin may be a warm skin or a burnt skin. "heated" is a verb that denotes someone is deliberately heating skin for some reason.
5. "about my tranquil features" can be omitted. or, if it is necessary as an imagery, then the line that includes it simply is too long, simply because "the long curls of light hair falling" is a complete image in itself and the "added" phrase "about my tranquil features" (which in itself is vague) spoils the line's vivid imagery.
6. "...my cool summer sheets twisted and warped between my uncovered legs." "uncovered" is not appropriate as the sheets do the duty of covering. "naked" may be the term you are looking for.
7. "Do not scream or weep too loud" should be "Do not scream nor weep too loud"
8. i do not know what "cerement" actually is.
9. every coffin is constricted. it is absurd for the dead to move. "small coffin" or "a coffin small for me" may do the trick.
10. sometimes, it pays to make sentence as simple as possible: "I fear the darkness of the earth underneath." it is much more vivid and has much more force.
11. "sun freckled moist sand" is awkward, but the choice of word--"freckle"--is interesting to associate the image with the roughness of the sands. how about a little experiment? use "freckles" without the awkward part.
12. "pretty-shaped" is a bit too casual. "smoothed" should be "smooth". "smoothed" suggests the pebbles are artificial.
13. "For I shall be someday kindly awaken by the singing of the sea,/slowly approaching to whisper to m y essence and retreating/back to await my unhurried reincarnation" is an interesting thought, but the grammar is defective. it should read something like, "For I shall be someday kindly awaken by the singing of the sea,/which will slowly approach me to whisper to my essence and retreat/back to await my unhurried reincarnation. true, poems sometimes neglect any "formal" rules for an intended poetic effect, but here, there is no evidence that there is that intention.

(+)
1. The use of incomplete thoughts ("After my..." but not actually finishing what happens "after"), the speaker of the poem subtly presents an interesting internal experience.
2. "Where the sea speckled with bitter salt tickles my toes and makes me giggle," has very beautiful internal rhymes. a triumph of the author's poetic character. actually the whole line rocks!: "Where the sea speckled with bitter salt tickles my toes and makes me giggle, even when I look asleep on the surface, as the tips of my fingers slowly cease and crumple into dust."

[Deviant Works]

Oh my gosh, Wella... This is so enchanting...so beautiful that I...don't even know what to say. When I read the very first line I stopped, closing my eyes, wishing that I could somehow steal your brain. And then I read on, entranced as I always am, and when I read, "Carry me quietly to the shore.", I just broke down into tears. I'm still sniveling now, wiping my damp cheeks, completely choked up. For I am someone who wants to find my way back home in the end. Left alone on comforting, sparkling sands for my mother, waiting for her warm soothing tides to sweep in and carry me out to sea. Returned to waters embrace, where I am forever and gratefully at peace. I absolutely could not have loved this more. Brilliant and my dream.

[PaperDoll]

Beautiful. Wonderful imagery, and a serene flow to your words. :) I like it. x

[My Fair Lady]

I always love to review your poetry Wella... This one is truely one of your very best.

[Mauricio Montoya]

I like everything about this write for it revolves around nature accept the part about the paper cut hand, unless there’s a hidden meaning its out of place, otherwise excellent write.

[Madison A. Wright]

beautifully written.. and full of truth and passion. I love the last part.. "Do not say I have died" all i could think of was celebrate my life on earth and one day i shall return! Love the sea and the sun... perfect!

[Janice Ann]

Seriously, this was a beautiful piece. As I read every line I thought to myself, this is perfectly what I would say. Beautifully written, absolutely. Going into my favorites!

[iamkim]

Wow! This is so wonderful!

[Jeff]

Absolutely beautiful!

[Victoria Everly]

This is really great. It's a beautiful piece of work.