Pancakes and Chocolate Ice-cream

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pancakes and Chocolate Ice-cream

 

 

"No." I inhaled in a broken tone, "I couldn't do it." I stared at the ground between my wobbly feet even though I knew he couldn't see my pathetic tear-edged eyes and trembling lips; it was too dark for either of us to see anything except for the two windows illuminating the slightly disturbing portrait hanging over his head against the wall behind his desk. That was the only thing I liked about his clinic; the dead silence and the dimmed lights. My sessions according to his schedule were arranged late at night. People told me he was mad; that I could simply go there and never return.

 

"Why couldn't you?"

 

"I've already told you!" my head jerked up as I retorted, "Tsk..." I stared back down at the floor, lightly shaking my head, "How in the world will you be able to help a person like me? It's hopeless."

 

"What exactly is hopeless, Lyla?"

 

"This whole life--I mean…I'm too scared to kill myself and I'm too scared to breathe another minute. What the f**k are you supposed to call that?"

 

"Do you think living is hopeless?"

 

"Yes, I do."

 

"Then why are you still alive?"

 

"I don't. f*****g. know." My voice grew cold between clenched teeth and impatience triggered more pointless words, "I mean, seriously…" I sighed, "I live. I study. I work. I love. I get married. I have kids. I grow old. Then I die. Why bother go through all that in the first place if it's always death in the end?"

 

"Do you believe in God?"

 

"Yes. And I'm so mad at Him. It's like--"

 

"Then you must believe in afterlife. Isn't that something to live for?"

 

"F**k afterlife."

 

Silence. A male sigh heaved, and a sound of a pen skillfully scribbling down notes.

 

"Very well. This session is almost over." His voice never wavered from the neutral composed level. I wondered if it sounded the same at home, among his family, which he surprisingly had outside this eerie work zone.

 

"I told you I'm crazy." I shrugged.

 

"Although we haven’t progressed much, I can assure you that admitting the problem is halfway to the cure." So, he did agree I was crazy.

 

Yeah, right…admitting…and s**t, I've been doing it for ages. Your session was useless, you money-sucking four-eyed man.

 

"There has to be something that's keeping you here among us."

 

"Not that I can think of."

 

My best friend and my two sisters; the only people who could make me laugh whole-heartedly and they loved me for who I am; raw form; not a single sting of pretend. But even when they were by my side I suffered. I slowly burnt in this invisible, impossibly addictive pit of hell.

 

"Alright," he finally told me as he stood up, "Last question. What makes Lyla happy?"

 

Okay…so pancakes and chocolate ice-cream were a good reason to stay alive…?

 

"Think carefully of five things that truly make you smile. Write them down. And bring the sheet to me next week."

 

When the hell did you decide that?

 

"Thank you, miss." He politely said. Stupid politeness…"I look forward to our next meeting. Salaam." I politely 'salaam'd back as I pulled up my little hand bag and headed to the door.

 

 Who said there was going to be a next meeting, you a*****e?

 

--- --- ---

 

I wished I hadn't gone near that clinic. I did not feel any better. Infact, the only feeling that overwhelmed me and tackled me down with a loud jeer was: weakness. I exposed some of the deepest, fragile parts of me to a person with a wise look and a commercial degree in understanding what people think and want. S**t…and now that I've thought clearly about it I felt worse. I felt like punching someone and just screaming out loud how f*****g stupid they were, even when I didn't even know their name.

 

I stood by the mini market on the right and a narrow black street greeted me with the constant cricket sounds and fading 'vrooms' of cars. The night seemed serene…too serene, I thought, my eyes twitching in anger preceding a vicious rage.

 

"Stupid night…stupid cars…" I mumbled my breath getting tighter and shorter every second, "Stupid doctor!" I groaned my foot kicking the brick wall on my right, "STUPID PEOPLE!" thinking they know everything… I yelled randomly glaring at the air around. A woman stared at me briefly as she passed by on the sidewalk across. I still didn't feel good though. Now I felt I've announced my weakness to the whole world. I wanted to go home…yet another place I was sick of.

 

I turned to the left and ran straight; my feet racing against the pavement too fast I almost eluded my shadow behind.

 

I wasn't crazy…I told myself, I was just f*****g tired…and I needed rest…a rest from everything, especially the sight of my reflection in the mirror.

 

I slammed the door behind me and I leaned my back against the wardrobe, feeling more trapped than I was at that clinic. Tears flooded generously as I slid down on the floor and my chest grew too tight I almost chocked on anger and vulnerability. After the tears and the loud, pitiful weeping, came the dreadful headache and then the blackness and the weird dreams.

 

My eyes opened to the active sounds of the city outside my half open window and I slowly shifted aside with a deep groan, sitting up in between the twisted sheets. All the frantic memories of last night were merged and consumed by the weird dreams and I wiped my face turning to one side.

 

Having mirrors near your bed prevents a peaceful sleep, they say. It also provides a hilarious picture of yourself as soon as you wake up. I hurriedly tied my hair in a bundle, washed my runny-mascara face, and walked to the sunlit kitchen. I was hungry. Pancakes sounded good. I opened doors of the freezer, fridge, and cabinets. I needed new ingredients. I hadn't gone to the market in a month. Where did I put the honey? Nevermind, ice-cream works too. Did I still have some butter left?

 

Author's Note

Comments, corrections, reviews are all appreciated.

*Image: Pancake Stack

*by =freddofroggy

*Link: http://freddofroggy.deviantart.com/art/Pancake-Stack-172014052?q=boost%3Apopular+chocolate+pancake&qo=5

Reviews

[tshigg]

Good stuff. Your dialogue is great. As a therapist I love it. It makes me smile when I hear dialogue like this about therapy. You are wise beyond your years! And YES I agree Pancakes and chocalate ice-cream are woth livng for. So are snickerdoodles (cookies) and peach cobbler (pie) but that's just me, lol!

[legendary lugia]

Liked the plot of your story... :)

[Brook]

I'm going to include a list of mechanical errors and how to fix them, then I'll get to my comments. Hope this helps!

First off, I'm personally, not a big fan of bolded dialogue, but that doesn't change the quality. It just doesn't seem to add anything to the story other than differentiating it from the text around it, which quotation marks already do. That's just my opinion, though. You certainly aren't the first person to do it, nor will you be the last.

"People told me he was mad; that I could simply go there and never return."
This semi-colon should be a comma.

"I've already told you!" my head jerked up as I retorted, "Tsk..." I stared back down at the floor, lightly shaking my head, "How in the world will you be able to help a person like me? It's hopeless."

"I've already told you!" my head jerked up as I retorted, "Tsk..."
This could go a few different ways.
"I've already told you!" My head jerked up as I retorted, "Tsk..."
"I've already told you!" I retorted, my head jerking up. "Tsk..."
"I've already told you!" My head jerked up as I retorted. "Tsk..."

I stared back down at the floor, lightly shaking my head, "How in the world will you be able to help a person like me? It's hopeless."
"I stared...shaking my head" should end in a period.

"What exactly is hopeless, Lyla?"
I think the stress in this sentence should be on "exactly" rather than "is".

"I don't. f*****g. know."
Maybe capitalize the f and k? This is more a style thing, I think, but I missed the period after f*****g and thought the one after "don't" was just accidental. Capitalizing would help emphasize the pauses she's taking between words and boost the readability of the sentence.

"My voice grew cold...more pointless words" should end in a period.

I sighed, "I live. I study....it's always death in the end?"
Are you trying to say that she sighed and then spoke, or that she sighed what she said? If you're trying to say she sighed before she spoke, then the "I sighed" should be followed by a period rather than a comma. If not, then it's fine how it is, but may need a bit more clarification.

A male sigh heaved, and a sound of a pen skillfully scribbling down notes.
The second half of your sentence is incomplete -- the sound of the pen did what? Treat the second half of the sentence as it if it's another sentence entirely and read it out loud. There's no verb for the sound; it's a fragment. However, you could change this part so that it read something like:
Silence. A male sigh. The sound of a pen skillfully scribbling down notes.
Then, it's an issue of style rather than grammatical correctness.

"So, he did agree I was crazy."
This could be condensed to, "So he agreed I was crazy."

"My best friend and my two sisters; the only people who could make me laugh whole-heartedly and they loved me for who I am; raw form; not a single sting of pretend."
This sentence took me a couple readthroughs to grasp, particularly the parts in the semi-colons. Also, "who I am" should be "who I was" (conflicting tenses). I like the "not a single sting of pretend" bit but it may interrupt the flow a bit while the reader thinks about what exactly it means. Maybe change to something like:
My best friend and my two sisters: the only people who could make me laugh whole-heartedly and loved me for who I was in my raw form.

"Alright," he finally told me as he stood up, "Last question. What makes Lyla happy?"
"...he finally told me as he stood up" should end with a period rather than a comma, since you start a new sentence when he speaks again.

Okay…so pancakes and chocolate ice-cream were a good reason to stay alive…?
"were" should be "are"

"Thank you, miss." He politely said.
Should be a comma rather than a period...
"Thank you miss," he said politely.

"Infact, the only feeling that overwhelmed me and tackled me down with a loud jeer was: weakness."
"Infact" should be "in fact"
The colon is unnecessary.

S**t…and now that I've thought clearly about it I felt worse.
"I've" should be "I'd"

The night seemed serene…too serene, I thought, my eyes twitching in anger preceding a vicious rage.
This seems like an odd thought for someone to have. Do you sit around and think, "The night seemed serene...too serene"? Because I don't. That internal dialogue doesn't come across as believable. Consider changing that sentence to something like...
The night seemed serene...too serene. For some reason, the calm only aggravated me; my eyes twitched in anger, and then I exploded in a vicious rage.

You say that it precedes a vicious rage, and there's a build-up, but instead it escalates gradually. I'd like her to be suddenly overcome by her anger, all at once. That would emphasize her self-proclaimed insanity. Lots of people get angry and then furious; very few people are instantaneously furious. If you were to cut out her mumbling and instead make her instantly start screaming, it would highlight that "crazy" characteristic for the reader and really show the reader that she was crazy rather than simply tell them. Rather than going calm, irritated, angry, furious, it could simply explode from calm to furious.

Now I felt I've announced my weakness to the whole world.
"I've" should be "I'd"

I wanted to go home…yet another place I was sick of.
When she's thinking things, she should be thinking in present-tense. You don't think about your day-to-day life in the past tense. Think of thought as internal dialogue. When people speak in stories, they speak in present tense. Thought is just speaking that's not out loud. The exception is when a character is thinking about something in their past. So if Bob is eighty at the time of the story, he could be thinking, "When I was twenty I was never this tired," or something like that, no problem. But he shouldn't be thinking, "I needed to go to the store tomorrow."
So, this sentence should not be italicized, since it's narration rather than thought.

I wasn't crazy…I told myself, I was just f*****g tired…and I needed rest…a rest from everything, especially the sight of my reflection in the mirror.
See the above and correct or leave this accordingly.

Tears flooded generously as I slid down on the floor and my chest grew too tight I almost chocked on anger and vulnerability.
Should be...
Tears flooded generously as I slid down on the floor, and my chest grew too tight; I almost choked on anger and vulnerability.

After the tears and the loud, pitiful weeping, came the dreadful headache and then the blackness and the weird dreams.
It's repetitive to say "the tears and the loud, pitiful weeping" because weeping implies tears. So you could simply change it to this:
After the loud, pitiful weeping came the dreadful headache and then the blackness and the weird dreams.

Pancakes sounded good. I opened doors of the freezer, fridge, and cabinets. I needed new ingredients. I hadn't gone to the market in a month. Where did I put the honey? Nevermind, ice-cream works too. Did I still have some butter left?
This all works if it's left as simply narration, but you italicized it to indicate thought. You can either un-italicize it, or you can change it to present tense.

------

This story was pretty awesome. I love the pancakes and chocolate ice cream bit, and personally, since I've never been a big fan of going to therapy, I definitely enjoyed her rage and insults. Having stormed out of a therapist's office in fifth grade, I can definitely identify with her furious thoughts.

There is a bit more that I'd like to know (which is a sign of a good story!) -- why is she in therapy? Did she do something? Even vague references to an event would be a good set-up for context. And what didn't she do that she was supposed to (at the beginning of the story)? What about her makes her think that she's so crazy? Why IS she angry at God (since her therapist interrupted her, I didn't get the answer to that question)? Did something happen?

I'd love to see this story go further! (Really, I probably just want my questions answered..but any time you leave your readers hungry for more is a good thing, and I see from other reviews that I'm not the only one who feels this way.)

[Erin]

You maintained a nice balance between dialogue and description. I liked the use of italics, bold, and regular font, and I don't say that often. I really liked it, nice job.
PBP

[Calypso]

Wow well done. You were able to only give us a small taste of who your character is. I would love to see this become a book. I know I would read and review every chapter.

[Daydreamer54]

wow, well u made the narrator ound realistic and thewy came alive with their angry emotions. it's sad that they eat away their pain with food. that''s why u have to find something to keep u motivated. i don't eating when ur sad is very healty. :( oh well, great write!

[Short.Nerd]

Chocolate Ice Cream is worth living for:D Great job

[Chris]

Great short story. I liked it. Like I said in the other reviews, your sentences flowed nicely. You use colorful words that add a nice touch of description to the story. The description itself was pretty good, too, in the opening scene. The opening lines adequately provided a hook into the story, and it ended pretty nicely. One thing you could maybe do to better the story is give your character some background, maybe through some flashbacks; it would be nice to get a feel for what her past was like, especially if it has anything to do with the way she feels currently. That way, the reader might be able to relate to her and sympathize with her more.
And now for some technical stuff:

"That was the only thing I liked about his clinic; the dead silence and the dimmed lights. My sessions according to his schedule were arranged late at night. People told me he was mad; that I could simply go there and never return."
The semicolons are used wrongly in this passage. Semicolons are used to join two independent clauses that are closely related to one another. This isn't the case in both instances. The first semicolon should be replaced with a colon, because the bit after the semicolon has no verb to make it a sentence. A colon would be most suitable because, one, it's grammatically correct, and, two, the part after the semicolon explains why the protagonist likes the clinic.
For the second semicolon, this is also wrong because the part after the semicolon is not an independent clause. The word "that" marks it as a dependent clause, so instead of a semicolon, you would use a comma.

"I've already told you!" my head jerked up as I retorted, "Tsk..." I stared back down at the floor, lightly shaking my head, "How in the world will you be able to help a person like me? It's hopeless."

Capitalize the "my" before the first use of the word "head" and replace the comma after "retorted" with a period. Also, the comma after the second "head" should be a period. There were a few other mistakes like this throughout the read, but you did do some of them right.

My best friend and my two sisters; the only people who could make me laugh whole-heartedly and they loved me for who I am; raw form; not a single sting of pretend.

Like with the first passage, the semicolons are wrong here. For the first semicolon, I would say get rid of it and put "were" there because of the way the sentence currently stands. OR you can replace that semicolon with a comma, put a comma after "whole-heartedly," and get rid of "and they." That would work, too. For the second semicolon, replace it with a period. As for the third, I'm unsure, because that bit did not make too much sense to me, so I don't know how to correct it. Oh, and I think you need to change "am" to "was" since you're telling the story in past tense. All verbs need to match the tense you're using to tell the story.

Infact, the only feeling that overwhelmed me and tackled me down with a loud jeer was: weakness

Get rid of the colon in this sentence. Colons after a linking verb are illegal.

Overall, the story was good. I enjoyed reading it.
Hope this helps. :)

[qaralynn]

great write!!

[Coyote Poetry]

Food always make a good story. I like the discussion and feel of this story. A lot of good questions were ask. Most with no real logical answer. I like the complete story. Food is my favorite thing. A outstanding poem. Thank you.
Coyote