My Heaven

About finding new ways/ peace with one self

26.10.14

My Heaven

(Prologue:

I dug my way out of the dark thicket called depression and now find myself in a  clear terrain.

The last phase ended with relief as it was what I would call hell and with that relief I jumped around foolishly without knowing what I was doing, which almost left me strolling down that awful road again.

I started carelessly celebrating my freedom, I was too eager, outgoing and light- headed. I thought now the worst part was over there was no need to be conscious. I was wrong.

The gates to hell will always be open for me, but now with the ability to travel this far I might as well go to heaven, no?

I must define what heaven means for me. Knowing the other side so well brings me in great danger to go back where I already know the way.

In life you mustn't go the way, you must be the way.

So to find new paths I must find a new me, redefine myself, the part that was hiding.)

My heaven.

My heaven is lonesome, my heaven is quiet.

It is a deep breath of cool, smooth fresh air.

The smell of earth in fall, the snow in winter, the flowers in the spring and the ocean in summer, all combined to fill my whole being with gratitude.

Keeping the air in as if, even though endless supply it was special.

And realizing with the next breath, that it is just as special, emotions rise.

I burst in joy and I can because I have no body to trap them, there is no need to squeeze them out of two tiny holes or give them voice to express.

I simply burst, I fly and spread in every possible direction.

I see all, I feel all, I am all with no force, nothing to contain it.

It just is.

And when I come back together at dawn I am not exhausted.

I am fresh and new.

The air is now warm and thick with the scent of wood in the fall, crackling fire in the winter, rain in spring and sand of the summer.

I am complete, I am all and none.

I am lonesome because there is no need to express.

The future does not matter, there is no need for another day, as there would be no need for another special breath.

(Epilogue: I never understood the concept of “you must work hard and some day if you earned enough you are allowed to be happy, you are allowed to enjoy and it seemed ridiculous that this is supposed to just magically happen after having proven yourself.

I never understood nor believed in that.

It seemed cruel to me that you must suffer first to demonstrate that you have a good and strong heart.

It seemed unfair.

It felt like it was a curse to feel.

I understand now.

As you cannot give a child a diamond and expect it to be much more grateful than if you had given it any other stone, for it will not understand the value and it will not appreciate the gift or even less know what to do with it.

In the same way, you have to know pain and prison to then feel the relief and joy and fully be able to appreciate and understand the value of the gift you’ve been given once you embrace heaven.

There is reason to be brave.

There is reason to be true.

There is reason to work hard on yourself.

And that reason is you.

It is never too late, at the end the only judge you have to face is yourself.

See that he is a forgiving one.

Neil Gaiman’s “The Sandman: Delirium”