"Sacrifice" rewrite.

This is the Rewrite of my opening chapter "Sacrifice" from my book, "Last Stand."

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LAST STAND

"Sacrifice"

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“Last stand! Hold the line here men!” Reverberated the words of our commander in our radios. I fired my M-16 assault rifle trying to hold off the advancing enemy forces. I slouched down behind cover to reload as a bullet tore through the guy next to me. He fell to the ground, a gaping red hole where his eye used to be. Bright red blood was pouring out of the wound. I immediately knew he was dead, there was no need to call the Corpsman. I peered up above the low wall and fired my weapon, hitting and knocking down several men. The guy to my left fired his weapon, his mouth wide open as he seemed to be yelling as he fired; empty brass spewed out of his machine gun. A rocket whizzed past my head.

The small market place behind us had over one hundred UN and Red Cross workers still seeking cover from the onslaught behind its thin walls. Our job was to hold the line at all cost so these people could escape. The wall I was behind chipped and shattered as bullets pounded it. Grenades exploded and rockets made a screaming hiss through the air.

An enemy combatant vaulted over the wall and started shooting. I drew my pistol from it’s holster and let loose, firing rounds into his neck, back and side of his head. I reloaded my pistol and re-holstered it. I peered cautiously above the wall again, peeking just long enough to drop another few soldiers. Sergeant Evan Kade, one of my friends from back home, fired his M249K S.A.W into the advancing combatants. A round slammed into him, knocking him to the ground. “Kade!” I yelled. He rose to his feet and started firing his weapon once more. Another round hit him, followed in close succession by several more rounds. He crumbled to the ground. I crawled behind the wall over to him. I grabbed his dust covered IMTV and pulled him over to examine his front. The front was covered in dust and blood. He was bleeding from a neck wound and several holes in his vest. The rounds had done devastating damage as they tumbled, wobbled, and smashed their way through him at 900 meters per second. He was riddled with bullets. I looked my friend in the eyes for one last time, his bright green eyes now opaque. I brushed his eyelids closed and lay him down. I pulled a grenade from one of his MOLLE pouches and pulled the pin. I leaned up on the wall and threw it, hitting a man directly in the chest with it. Stunned by the impact he had fallen to the ground. He fumbled for the grenade and attempted to throw it back. The grenade detonated in his hand, next to his face. Half of his arm and face were torn off by the blast.

I sunk back down behind the wall in time to see a soldier ripping his knife out of an Israeli. He started towards me, I raised my rifle and pulled the trigger. “CLICK.” ‘D****t’ I thought. I dropped it and deflected his strike. With my free hand I pulled my KA-BAR knife from its sheath. I felt his knife blade slide on my arm, slicing it open. My vision went completely clear and my mind honed in on him. I rammed the steel point of the KA-BAR into the side of his neck. Warm blood sprayed onto my forearm and soaked the knife. I reached down and drew my M1911. I pulled the trigger, sending the .45 caliber round directly through his face. Blood sprayed back and coated the blued metal of the 1911. I withdrew my knife and wiped it on my pants, then re-sheathed it. I repeated this step with my pistol and then my hands. The man's lifeless corpse lay on the on the ground, covered in blood and motionless.

I bent down and retrieved my M-16. I hit the magazine release and loaded in a fresh set of rounds. I began shooting again, sending rounds into the advancing masses of soldiers. I stood on empty magazines, spent brass and pieces of machine gun belts.

I slouched down behind the wall to reload again just as a massive UH-1y Venom swooped in. It was carrying Israeli reinforcements and Marines. The Mini-guns hammered away, spewing thousands of fiery rounds into the enemy. The men inside the chopper dropped ropes and started fast-roping in. The Venom cut ropes and started to ascend. An RPG sliced through the sky and slammed into the tail boom. The tail bent down into an awkward position as the chopper lost control and went into a downward spiral. Fire spewed from the boom and was beginning to flood the fuselage. The chopper careened into a building and ricocheted off, slamming with tremendous force into the ground. Fire was rolling out of the twisted heap of a helicopter. I observed in complete horror as the door was violently kicked open by the pilot. He emerged from the Venom, his flight suit burning and his once gray helmet melting. He withdrew his pistol and fired several rounds before the fire consumed him.

“BOOM!” the helicopter exploded, sending flaming bits of metal hurling through the air. A fellow Marine to my left suddenly started screaming. I looked over and saw a flaming piece of helicopter metal protruding from his side. “MEDIC!” He screamed. As I attempted to move towards him bullets began punching right through the wall. He was cut down by the rounds before the medic even made it too him. A new sound had joined the mix of small arms fire. I racked my brain, attempting to pull the name and match it to the sound of the weapon. I was going into sensory overload but finally my mind found the words. It was a .50 caliber machine gun. I pulled up my radio and yelled into it. “Someone drop that SOB on the fifty, d****t!”

It wasn't long before my order was answered. “Firing, firing, firing!” Came the call. Corporal Etts peeked over cover to my right and fired a SMAW. The rocket obliterated the machine gun position.

“Can we get some f****n’ airsupport!” Cried Desavo into the mic.

It was as if God himself reached down to help us in that moment because two AH-6 Little Bird’s raced in overhead, pod rockets firing and mini-guns spraying away. The weapons of combatants fell silent. The brief moment of relative silence was interrupted by our joint commander coming over the radio.

“The line is crumbling on the South-west side! WE NEED UNITS TO HOLD!” He beckoned.  

“Roger sir. Alpha squad on me, push to South-west side. Double-time.” I called back.

We hauled a*s, moving as quick as we could to other side. We took up defensive positions behind anything we could find. The volume of enemy fire was incredible. I looked back and saw a .50 caliber machine gun laying on the ground, rounds chambered. I ran over and halfway fell to it. I picked it up and propped it on a large concrete potter. I racked the tremendous bolt back and started firing. The weapon spewed massive shell casing out of one side. Every fifth round was a tracer, making it easier for me to see where I was aiming. A man appeared in front of me wielding an AK-47. I angled the .50 and let rounds fly. Rounds literally cut him in half just above the knees. He fell to the ground looked up just as one of the rounds slammed into his forehead tearing his head off. I continued shooting at other targets until the .50 clicked and I was out of ammo. I dropped the weapon and pulled up my rifle. I returned fire, trying my best to hold the line.

“Everyone, fall back and consolidate at the fail-safe point. We will hold the line here at all costs. These civilians must survive, even if we do not...” His voice trailed off but everyone understood. We fell back within thirty meters of the civilians and aid workers. “Hold it here everyone.” I said into the radio.

We took our spots, I looked over and stared into the eyes of Etts and Desavo. Of the eight man squad I come to Israel with, they were the only original members left. Bleeding, scared and battered, they looked like they were thirty years old but they were only eighteen.

“Lets do it for Kade.” Etts mumbled spitting up some blood.

“Roger.” I grimly replied.

We muttered our final goodbyes, loaded our weapons and prepared to stand against the militants one last time. ‘Lord, even though I walk in the shadow of the valley of death, I fear no evil for thou art with me’ I assured myself. I clicked my last magazine into my M-16 and hunkered behind cover. I set my grenades down in front of me to make it easier to grab and throw. The abrupt silence was in the air of Eilat was broken again, as thousands of Hamas militants and Palestinian extremist charged our lines. ‘This is it...’ I murmured to myself. ‘We live and die in this moment, we will save these people.’ I aimed down the sights of my rifle and started shooting. ‘If the ultimate sacrifice is what it takes, then let it not be vain...”

Reviews

[Austin Jolly]

This is a great re-write on the chapter, although I spotted some things that clicked for a minute.

1st, Israeli and Marine reinforcements? Its a good addition into the read, but Israeli soldiers and Marines wouldn't travel on the same vehicular platform, if you wanted to make this a realistic read.

2nd, when the main character used the last of his magazines, it doesnt give any indication that he goes in for more ammunition. In reality, on a combat deployment, depending on the size of the patrol, the patrol will hold at least one guy carrying a big pack all full of ammo fit for the fireteam/squad/platoon, depending on whoever is on the squad/platoon leaders sh-t list.

3rd, whats 100 Red Cross guys doing in a combat zone? Usually, Red Cross will not be present in the field where there's a potential to die, even for 100 of them. The Military has units attached to Infantry regiments that do basically the same thing as the Red Cross, usually theyre from the Army or the Navy (If we're talking about the Marine Corps, its always gonna be the Navy)

4th, on a normal basis, UH-1Y's arent armed with miniguns if theyre being used as transport, especially for reinforcements. If you wanted a helicopter that did both transportation and suppressing fire, use the CH-47C "Sea Knight", a Dual-rotor chinook transport helicopter thats standard equipped with either an M134 Vulcan (minigun) or a Mark-19 automatic grenade launcher on the doors. If youre using a CH-47C in the story, please make sure theres an attack helicopter escort, because chinooks never leave without attack helicopter support...usually from super cobras or AH-60 Apache gunships.

5th, I saw that the helicopter pilot apparently kicked open the door of a burning helicopter after a hard crash landing. A common misconception, nobody would have survived that crash, much less a burning helicopter if it blew up in a pillar of fire after crashing into a building then slamming into the ground, lol. If the pilot DID survive, he wouldnt draw his pistol to send out a few rounds only to kill nobody, he would be trying to put out the fire with the help of some of his allies to put out the fire so he can stay in the fight. A common misconception, nothing too bad.

6th, still saw the main character pull his pistol and shoot the assaulting enemy in 3 different places instead of using his bayonet. Marines are trained to use their bayonets more than their pistols in CQB training, and i'm assuming the main character is a Marine. Even still, any normal soldier would use a bayonet in that kind of situation.

now, finally for some good feedback, lol

I love the use of the AH-6, its very common that someone mistakes an attack littlebird to be able to do the same thing as a transport littlebird, and you seemed to have done well with that. usually people would say "the littlebirds came in and shot some rockets from the rocket pods, then landed to deploy the troops they were carrying". Its always one or the other, its never both, because if theres an attack littlebird, the rails that the troops sit on are replaced with rocket pods and miniguns, and you did a good job seeing that difference. Nice!

Sensory overload with the enemy .50 cal, wow! XD that was awesome! Anybody would freeze in their tracks if they heard a .50 coming from the other side, I love that!!

Love the use of the SMAW, although the operator would yell "clear backblast!" when hes about ready to fire. But even still, the usage of the SMAW to take out the .50 cal emplacement was genius!

A .45 from a 1911 would definitely rip a massive hole in the guys face, especially at point blank. Everyone else would say "the .45 round went into his skull, but didnt come out the other side", and that always bothers me to no end. You did a good job with the imagery too!

Some suggestions:

Theres sometimes some kind of Sniper team with a clear LOS on a Marine patrol, and there would definitely be at least a nearby recon team (consisting of snipers, spotters, and assaulters) in the middle of a big firefight as the one described in your rewrite. The use of some Sniper support would definitely add an awesome edge to the story!

"Arty, Arty where ya been?" hahaha thats from a Marine cadence! Anyway, in a firefight as big as that, Marines would definitely call in some kind of fire mission and munitions support. Use some Artillery or mortar support, and you might have yourself an awesome(er) read!

Wheres the spooky support?? Usually, some kind of AC-130S Gunship would be on sight in a firefight as big as that, get some rounds on that platoon!! hahaha

Keep up the good writing, youre doing great!!