Pantoum (needs revision)

experimenting with different forms so i tried to write a Pantoum poem. I really want to know how to improve it.

I will think of you today and maybe tomorrow

Things will never be the same again

I hope you enjoyed the brain you borrowed

From now on we are barely friends

Things will never be the same again

That part always seems to be left out

From now on we are barely friends

These tear ducts will experience drought  

That part always seems to be left out

“Trust me I will always be there for you”

These tear ducts will experience drought

because those lies i can see right through

‘Trust me I will always be there for you’

I hope you enjoyed the brain you borrowed

because those lies i can see right through

I will think of you today and maybe tomorrow

Author's Note

what do you think i can improve to make it flow better, something seems like it could be better.

Reviews

[kitty blur]

I really REALLY enjoyed reading this. Using the second line of one stanza to begin the next was something that I've hardly seen utilized in a way this beautiful. And in the middle of all that cleverness, you rhymed. I tend to just write little brainthoughts, and much of those thoughts don't rhyme, so I can really appreciate it in others' work.

I could easily commiserate with the feelings expressed in this piece. Although I've never been in this situation myself, I watched this happen to close friend. Because of the closeness between us, I empathized pretty deeply. Two lines really stuck out: "I hope you enjoyed the brain you borrowed" and "these tear ducts will experience drought". The first lines make me think that the person you were close to took on most of your qualities and then left. Quite a feeling - close friends tend to morph and adopt parts of each other pretty often, so I can understand the resentment one could feel when your counterpart disappears with parts of you still in them. The second one was just a fun little piece of imagery for me. Cool.

A small critique I noticed is that in one line you used double quotation marks and in the repeating of that line, you used single quotation marks. But nice job overall. :)

[WayneJr]

Thank you so much for checking out my work, your comments are greatly appreciated

[William Liston]

This is a nice poem. As far as the flow is concerned, all I can say is that in my opinion, the line "I will think of you today and maybe tomorrow" would sound better if it was written, "I'll think of you today, maybe tomorrow..." There is a poet on this site named Richard. He teaches poetry and gives very valuable critiques to poems. If you want this poem to flow better, you should message him. Just copy and paste this: http://www.writerscafe.org/RichardJ

[WayneJr]

thank you so much for your advice. Much appreciated.

[William Liston]

No problem.