Dawn

A Poem by Mwarari

Calling out man to check his actions and join up the movement.

I follow no rules.

I say no to any conformity glue.

I pray that the world will have a clue

I pray they get my point of view

See a better world and make it new.

Look up and the see the clouds shrink

Feel it inside that we have to clean

She cries out with pain as she bleeds

Only a few care to put her at ease

Her hope, her will, her dream is just live.

I lost hope at once and got disappointed.

It felt like the fight had not even started

I thought I was alone and all could soon end

Brothers and sisters from all over were sent

We are the chosen ones, hop on

We ALL are the next DAWN.

© 2022 Mwarari

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Reviews

JayG

• I follow no rules. I say no to any conformity glue. I pray that the world will have a clue

So, as a reader: Someone unknown is talking about themself as if the act of ignoring unstated social norms is, in and of itself, a virtue.

So...obeys NO RULES? BY DEFINITION, this person steals, flunked school, craps on the market's floor, shoves people out of the way, cares not at all for the views or feelings of others, etc., etc.

Not what you meant, of course, but given that the reader has no clue of who you are, your background, or, your intent, and, no way to know them. So it is what you just said, from-a-reader's-viewpoint. And that highlights three problems;

First, the need to always do our editing from the chair of the reader, knowing only what they know and having only the context that's either inherent, or, what we supply as or before a given line is read.

Next, is that to the reader, we, and everything about us, is irrelevant. No one on this site is saying to themself, "I wonder how Jay feels today? Nor are they wondering about you. So simply giving them a report, without making them WANT to know, is doomed. Talking TO the reader is never a good idea because it's author-centric and fact-based, which is the definition of nonfiction-writing. You, the narrator, lecture the reader on facts and events. But fiction and poetry are emotion-based, with the emotion in question being the reader's. They hope to have us make them feel and care, not become better informed on our lives and needs.

And finally, when we talk about things meaningful to us, because we begin writing already knowing the backstory, motivation, and objective, we'll leave out things that seem obvious, but for which the reader lacks context. Look at:

• Look up and the see the clouds shrink

I just did that. I saw the ceiling. Then I went to the window and did it. No change, Did you have intent for a less literal meaning? Sure. Was I privy to that knowledge?

• She cries out with pain as she bleeds

"She?" And why is she bleeding? Could be a skinned knee or a death-wound in Ukraine. You know. She knows. But who did you write it for? Shouldn't they know?

My point? Instead of saying something like, "I cried at the funeral," give the reader reason to weep. Instead of talking about your pain, use it as a theme to involve emotion in the reader. Don't talk TO them, draw them in. As E. L. Doctorow puts it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

In our school days, they trained us to the needs of employment, and most employers seek nonfiction writing from us. So dig into the skills of the profession, You'll find them eye-opening, and interesting to learn. And with more options and greater focus, you'll find the act of writing even more fun.

A great jumping-in point is the Shmoop site. Log in as Student, then find the little button next to the mid-page search window. Use that to select Poetry. They have many successful poems there, analyzed deeply, to show how and why they work so well.

And for a better idea of structure and prosody, read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. The man is brilliant.

And finally, you might want to download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook from the link below. Lots of people swear by that book.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

But...whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 2 Years Ago

• I follow no rules. I say no to any conformity glue. I pray that the world will have a clue

So, as a reader: Someone unknown is talking about themself as if the act of ignoring unstated social norms is, in and of itself, a virtue.

So...obeys NO RULES? BY DEFINITION, this person steals, flunked school, craps on the market's floor, shoves people out of the way, cares not at all for the views or feelings of others, etc., etc.

Not what you meant, of course, but given that the reader has no clue of who you are, your background, or, your intent, and, no way to know them. So it is what you just said, from-a-reader's-viewpoint. And that highlights three problems;

First, the need to always do our editing from the chair of the reader, knowing only what they know and having only the context that's either inherent, or, what we supply as or before a given line is read.

Next, is that to the reader, we, and everything about us, is irrelevant. No one on this site is saying to themself, "I wonder how Jay feels today? Nor are they wondering about you. So simply giving them a report, without making them WANT to know, is doomed. Talking TO the reader is never a good idea because it's author-centric and fact-based, which is the definition of nonfiction-writing. You, the narrator, lecture the reader on facts and events. But fiction and poetry are emotion-based, with the emotion in question being the reader's. They hope to have us make them feel and care, not become better informed on our lives and needs.

And finally, when we talk about things meaningful to us, because we begin writing already knowing the backstory, motivation, and objective, we'll leave out things that seem obvious, but for which the reader lacks context. Look at:

• Look up and the see the clouds shrink

I just did that. I saw the ceiling. Then I went to the window and did it. No change, Did you have intent for a less literal meaning? Sure. Was I privy to that knowledge?

• She cries out with pain as she bleeds

"She?" And why is she bleeding? Could be a skinned knee or a death-wound in Ukraine. You know. She knows. But who did you write it for? Shouldn't they know?

My point? Instead of saying something like, "I cried at the funeral," give the reader reason to weep. Instead of talking about your pain, use it as a theme to involve emotion in the reader. Don't talk TO them, draw them in. As E. L. Doctorow puts it, “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

In our school days, they trained us to the needs of employment, and most employers seek nonfiction writing from us. So dig into the skills of the profession, You'll find them eye-opening, and interesting to learn. And with more options and greater focus, you'll find the act of writing even more fun.

A great jumping-in point is the Shmoop site. Log in as Student, then find the little button next to the mid-page search window. Use that to select Poetry. They have many successful poems there, analyzed deeply, to show how and why they work so well.

And for a better idea of structure and prosody, read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. The man is brilliant.

And finally, you might want to download Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook from the link below. Lots of people swear by that book.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

But...whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Rating /100