Lying Through My Teeth

I haven’t properly articulated what I’m terrified of, but I’m terrified that I’m going to spend my entire life terrified of things that may not happen. Which is to say I’m terrified there will never be someone who runs their fingers over my arm like they are checking for dust. Which is to say it haunts me that some people will never feel safe in this world. Which is to say that I can’t protect everyone but I sure as hell want to. I’m terrified that my dreams are too much of a stretch, too far out of reach, that I’d need a thousand fingers to even grasp the tail of what I so badly want, and what I want is so difficult to name, what I want is real happiness, the kind that makes your belly hurt and your cheeks ache, what I want is excitement and spontaneity, what I want is to be wanted, which is to say that maybe all I want is to be truly understood. To hand my bloody heart over on a platter and everything is okay. A hug and someone telling me I belong here. A kiss and me saying it back and meaning it.