Bad Grammar

i am very physically sensitive toward people’s presences. there’s this beautiful quote by marya hornbacher “i did not like to be touched because i craved it too much. i wanted to be held very tight so I would not break.” this quote resonates with me like a second skin. some days i’d do almost anything to be touched, i become wild with it, but then i realise how i can barely kiss someone’s cheek without feeling like my lips are about to melt. despite wanting to touch you, sometimes i can’t lay my hand on your shoulder without my tendons tensing, or i’ll flinch if you lean in to hug me. i don’t mean to, i think i just need people to hold me very tightly, or not at all. i need the certainty of a kiss, i need a kiss with no doubt, no hesitation, otherwise the anticipation will be too much to bear, and i’ll shake uncontrollably.
how can i possibly describe wanting something so badly i tremble in the face of it. you walk into the room, you meet me on the corner where the lights are bright and dusk is hitting your face in a certain way, and i can’t control my knees. you haven’t even said hello yet. i’m afraid that i want love so badly that if i finally meet someone incredible, i’ll sabotage it because i have no idea what to do with it. have you ever been on a train with a beautiful boy and he puts his hand on your knee and you feel like it doesn’t belong there? have you ever been lying in bed with someone and your heart is thumping through the mattress so loudly you feel like the room could explode from your pulse alone? there are so many things that i want so much i can’t stand it. i’ve had glimmers of them, i’ve seen half of their reflection, and then i’ve run. my best friend says do one thing a day that scares you. my mother says that i’m not the only person that has ever felt this way. my doctor says inhale slow, exhale for longer. i don’t know what to do but shiver in the wake of every person i touch.