Pity Prayers

[excerpt]

"Your family aren't the only people who can love you" he said without looking away, "different types of loves exist and they are just as real for you as they are for everyone else".

I'm not sure how being loved works, but I thought it was more. With that I formed my response.
"I thought that the people who loved you didn't want to see you crying or hurting. Love is all about care right? Love is supposed to be about someone actually giving a s**t about what happens to you. It's about going above and beyond for someone and not because you have to, because you want to". I looked down when I said this.
"You look like you have more to say."

I paused.

"I don't think I have that. I mean I'm sure my mother would do that and all, but she's my mother. It's because I'm her child that she does that, it's not because I'm me. She's obligated to love me. And I know for a lot of kids their parents don't follow that obligation, but I know they seek love too and what can I say? I'm selfish. It's despicable and I know that. Still, does that mean I..." I took a moment to make sure I wouldn't cry, "Am I that unnecessary? Does no one need me? Want me?"

I just wanted someone to truly love me and not out of obligation or sympathy, but just because that person feels happy with me. To want to be wanted.
"it's pathetic," I said, "but I can't help it if I crave it".

"It's not pathetic. Everyone wants to be loved, and you are just as capable as all of those around you. You just haven't found it yet."
He said it in such a straight forward way that I almost believed him. But I know better than most, that almost isn't good enough. It's almost good enough. There's a difference.
"I can't be loved".
"That's an excuse".
"Does that make it any less true?"
"It never was true."
"Oh but it is. Love means letting someone get inside you and get to know you, but knowing that they will accept everything about you. I'm too damn scared to let anyone do that so nobody is going to get a chance to love me."
"So you are in your own way?"
"Seems so."
"Then that's a problem you have to fix. I can't make you open up, that's up to you. If you want something then you are going to have to make the first step. You have to do the work."
"If i thought I could do that, don't you think I would have?"
"Sometimes you have to convince youself to ignore your thoughts, and just do it. Because even your head can't always know how everything will turn out in the future. You have to try."

I really did not like him being right. I didn't like it all. I was the only one f*****g my life up, but that's why I needed help. People aren't supposed to destroy themselves, but that's what I'm best at. I don't try. I don't get better. I don't live happily. Survival is how life has been for me, living is a loose concept which I can't really execute. Sometimes I think it'd be better if I just broke and crumbled. Then the wind would blow me away. Sure people might miss me for brief moment of time, but it's the sadness associated with death that'll make them cry, not specifically me. They won't really miss me, because no one really needed me in the first place. No one will lose their mind when I'm gone. But I'm losing my mind as I stay here. And in the end, they comfort those suffering from a lose and never really the person that they are about to lose. Maybe that's how they lose them. Maybe that's how they'll lose me.

"You still here?"
"What?"
"Are you still here? Still with us?"
"Maybe, well for now. Probably not much longer." I smiled a tiny bit.
I'll never forget the expression he made at that moment. It was that of intense fear and confusion, like I'd said something he couldn't even comprehend. Like I'd said something that came down upon him like an anvil and completely shattered
him; he was in pieces.
"You aren't..you can't truly believe..." He stopped and rubbed his face with hand. He was looking down. So was I.

-The Pity Prayers